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Adult Stepson Making Our Marriage Miserable

My husband & I have been married for 12 years.   When I met him, he told me he had 2 children from a previous marriage -- one boy who was 10 at the time & one girl who was 8.  Their mother was (& still is) uninvolved in their lives & was negligient in their care.    They lived with her in another state.    My husband is a recovering alcoholic who missed alot of their formative years drunk.    Fast forward 12 years later & MANY MANY stories, arguments and problems with our new blended family.   My husband & I have one child together who is now 7. 

My stepson is worthless & 23.  He is employed (a job my husband got for him) making $45k a year & paying $600/month rent.     List of his issues since I've known him -- He is constantly struggling with losing his license or his job, making excuses for all of his problems.  Single, in debt, does not pay his bills, dishonarable discharge from the Air Force, dyslexic, ADHD, issues with his mother & her neglect, disrespectful towards me, problems in school not doing homework, not wanting to do chores, not participting in holidays because he doesn't like them., etc. etc. etc.   The list is endless but these are just a few "issues" that come to mind.

Him & I do not get along at all -- never have, never will.  REason ?  While he lived with his mother she treated him as an equal, & confidante.   When he had to live with us because his mother abandoned him, he never accpeted me as a parent or his father's wife.   He argued with me, did not listen, challenged everything I told him.   His father did not consistently back me & is plagued with guilt over his own neglect when he was drinking.  As such, his son nor daughter can do no wrong.   They walk all over their father & do not help him at all -- neither of them live with us now.   The son has no relationship with his half-sister (my daughter) and is rude to her when he is aroudn her.

When we do have family events, such as Father's Day, it is tense & miserable to be in the same room with his son.   There is almost always a battle between him & I which ruins the day.  Today was no exception.   We took my husband out to breakfast & apparently my husband, stepdaughter & stepson all knew that my stepson had no money & my stepdaughter was paying for him.    They did NOT communicate that to me though in fear of me getting angry over the fact that he did not bring any money nor gift for my husband.  When the check came, I asked my stepson & stepdaughter if we could split it 3 ways.   My stepson did not immediately answer so I asked again.   Both my stepson & stepdaughter heard me ask.  My stepson replied yes, sure.   HOwever, my stepdaughter only handed me her money & I gave her change, expecting my stepson to pay his portion.   When I handed her change, she then said that she was paying for her brother.    I asked my stepson why he was not paying & he became rude & said he was broke.   I then replied I thought it pathetic since it was Father's Day.   My husband begain glaring at me immediately & my stepson abruptly excused himself.  

Now I'm being blamed for "ruining" anothe rFather's Day & to be honest, I am so sick of this.  Why does my husband continue to feel that their behaviour towards him is okay, when it is so obvious they treat him poorly?  Why did they lie to me about my stepson not having money?  Does a fear of me being upset excuse collaborating & lying to me & then blaming me for ruining the day?  

I'm ready to separate from my husband over his lack of support for me & his drivign guilt that steers his relationship with his children.  Most unattractive of all is the lack of his own self-worth to allow himself to be treated so poorly.   I am most sick of being blamed for every battle with his stepson.   SHouldn't my husband be supporting me & addressing his son's lack of respect for me?  

I truly dislike his son & belive me if I had a crystal ball when I had met my husband & this kid I would have RAN like crazy in the other direction.  

So what now?   Do I do counseling first?  I doubt my husband would even come?  We've tried this befoer & the counselor suggested I try to focus on one quality his son has instead of the negative ones.    Didn't work -- too many negatives .    We are like oil & water because this kid is always given a break or is allowed to find ways to avoid responsiblity for his actions.    Its my husbands fault too.

Help!!

 

 

 

 

fedup12 fedup12 41-45 71 Responses Jun 15, 2008

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Wow, I don't know where to start... I can say with a certainty is that I'm headed exactly where you are all now... I'm 27, my husband's 47, He has four sons, three are grown, and the 16 year old lives with us, for now. I'm only having issues with the 16 year old so I'll just call him Stepson through out the rest of my comment here. I have two beautiful daughters ages 5 & 6 with my wonderful husband. We are both at a loss as to what to do. My husband and stepson's mom had a falling out when stepson was 8 years old. Long story short my husband went to jail, wrongfully, and stepsons mom got a five year protection order and moved to the other side of the country. Before this my husband had never had to spank stepson or reprimand him as he was an angel child. Fast forward three years, we're married and have two children of our own. Stepson's mom breaks the order and pleads with Husband to take the 11 year old, at the time stepson, she can't deal. So we take him in. He's lazy, fat and refuses to do anything to help around the house. I'm new to this stepson business at the time and he's such a pain in the *** that I don't know how to deal either... We get into it a lot. Physical altercations that I'm not proud of but whatever, that's in the past. My husband was working third shift, 12 hours, at the time so he was never in the picture and would get mad because he wasn't there to see what was going on and couldn't punish stepson because he didn't believe either of us. Fast forward again. We move to another state and I get a job, stepson doing horrible in school, he's in ninth grade at this time. Husband is home collecting unemployment from getting laid off that night shift job he was working for twelve years. I can't handle the stress of taking care of all of them after getting off work and making dinner and cleaning the house all while still having a lazy, smartass, indignant, disrespectful, instigating, entitled stepson who physically attacked me for taking the tv out of his room. So I left. Stepson was sent back to his mother's and over the course of a year my husband and I worked out our differences and got back together... Fast forward again to a month and a half ago. No warning whatsoever, I hear a knock on the door. Guess who? Stepson getting dropped off by his mother. She flew 800 miles and rented a car just to drop him off and flew back home. We're surprised and happy to see him because even through all the bull he can be a nice kid. He doesn't do drugs, he doesn't rob people, we have been getting along for the most part. Until two weeks in. He starts being a pain in the *** again. We call it biting the hand that feeds him. We are the only ones who he treats this way. He's an angel in everyone else's eyes. You can't even have a conversation with him about any of it because he thinks extremely highly of himself and argues argues argues down to the last bit. He can do no wrong. He sits on the laptop or PlayStation all day. We have a roommate who has his old bedroom so the demon sleeps on our couch.We can't tell him to go to his room we have no escape. He's getting worse. My roommate just told me this morning that stepson has been beating my five year old daughter when I left the house this week to go find a job. She cries when I leave the house and then he smacks her. I'm trying not to go apeshit and wait for husband to get home from work so I've locked myself and my kids in my bedroom and looking for help and found this. So thanks for listening and I will be getting the police involved. Just waiting for my husband.

update 2015. (I can't believe this post is still going since 2008!!) The stepson I describe above is now married and going to be a dad! He was involved in a long term relationship for the past 3 years and then suddenly last spring he and his girlfriend ended it and he was asking if he could move back in with us. He was 29 at that time. Believe it or not, my husband agreed with me that it would not be a good idea. His stepson posted on FB that he had "alot of ***-kissing to do" with me trying to convince me to let him move back in. I did talk to him about why it wouldn't work and his only response was that he wasn't a teenager anymore and that I wouldn't see him at any family dinners or anything. He would be more of a boarder. Long story short, he told me he never felt welcome in our home anyway and that both me and my husband rejected him. Boo-hoo. one month later, he meets another girl online. She quickly moved in with him to help him with his rent, and 6 months later, they are married and she is expecting. They had a justice of the peace wedding and lunch at a pizza restaurant. On the way home after the pizza, we followed him to the highway in his car and suddently, he rams into a snowbank. When we pull up next to him to see if everything was okay, he is screaming at the top of his lungs about how someone cut him off in traffic and because his new pregnant bride was pleading with him to stop chasing this other vehicle in traffice, he decided to angrily ram his car into a snowbank. OMG!!! I am convinced he will ruin the life of his new bride and their child. And the circle of madness continues. All these divorced parents need to go to counseling and deal with their guilt instead of defendign and giving these kids of broken homes everything instead of teaching them responsibility. Hopefully one person will read this and see the future if they don't change.

I'm in the same boat. My stepson is 18, a senior in highschool. He is so apathetic and unmotivated - no job, no license, no permit, semester grades included 3 incompletes, 2 fs, and a d. His dad spends so much time defending him and shielding him from responsibility that it drives me insane.
Last week something happened that REALLY bothered me and I don't even know how to get past it. I'm sorry in advance for sharing this but I don't know who to talk to. (Except my husband who doesn't seem to get why it's a big deal)...
I walked into the hall bathroom to see a mess on the outside rim of the toilet. The mess was obviously *****. I can't believe that he just left it there like that. Where is his self respect or his respect for me as the woman of this house.
This isn't the first time his sexuality has been pushed in my face. I had to talk to my husband about him leaving a bottle of lube in plain site in his room. Also, we had a problem with the tub drain being blocked with hair and some other substance - I think I know what it was. I know ************ is normal but I don't think it's normal to make it such an in your face thing for the household. Am I overreacting? I can't even stand to look at him now let alone hear the shower running for an hour at a time.
I honestly don't know what to do.

I keep biding my time til he moves out but I don't think he will graduate and my husband already said he thinks 300 rent is too much even if he does stay for awhile after school ends. I can't deal with this much longer.

My husbands 31 year old stepson has moved back to our home again. This happens about once a year, sometimes more often. Husband says he "talked" to this kid about getting his **** together blah blah blah...so over it. Last time this happened I actually looked at apartments for ME to move into. This adult/child only calls or comes around when he needs something and no matter how many times it happens and I point it out, my husband always lets him stay. I get accused of picking on himWithout even discussing it with me, my husband bought this adult child ANOTHER car because his last 2 cars were repossessed. Seriously I'm just ready to take the dogs and just leave. If I knew how to drive our 40 foot RV, I would be writing this from a campground somewhere. I need help too - if nothing else, just a place to vent. Sorry that there are so many of us in this boat - let's all move to **** Off Island ;)

Wow! I am watching an 8 year relationship fall before my eyes because of two wretched stepkids, one femal 19 and one male 18.

The female left the house @16, hooked up with a 27 year old who knocked her up and left her. My partner had enough brains to get her the hell out of our house after 2months and into her own apartment. Her welfare collecting *** is being subsidized by her mother to the tune of $600 a month.

The real problem is the 18 year old male, this dolt it in his first year of college and is doing the bare minimum, he cuts class and plays video games 10 hrs a day during the school year, close to 16 hrs a day when he is off. He is on his head set for 6 hrs a a time, he is loud as hell, never shuts up. He shakes the ceiling bouncing on the bed while he plays,. this kid is 5' 11' and @ least 180 lbs.

His mother makes all kinds of excuses for him, it is the thin walls, the bed is squeaky, the walls are thin, on and on. It has driven me from the house.

I am at this point, and you should be to, most of us are divorced. If your partner/spouse or whatever you want to call this second relationship, lets their kids **** on you and make you miserable. You need to go.

I dont care how much hardship this causes me financially. If I don't get away from this "kid", I will be miserable forever.

I can see his future, working @ EB games making minimum wage living off his mother and I for the rest of his life.

JUST LEAVE! That is my 2 cents.

Boy does this sound familiar. My stepson is 35 and lives with his mother. When he gets mad at her or needs money, he comes to his dad who lends his credit card to him. (BIG MESS!) Neither parent tries to make this boy grow up but aids in his laziness. He gets social security because he can't keep a job. Wonder why when he looks like a bum, has a criminal record, and has to have a cigarette break every 15 minutes.) Most places fire him the first day. His parents cater to his lack of respect and fill him full of false facts. He needs a swift kick to wake up. My problem is his constant lies and his mooching. He feels he can eat anything in our house, even if I have it planned for a meal. I hate the actions of this boy and will not stand for it so needless to say his dad and I have a lot of words. What does it take for them to take the blinders off?

No accountability, that is the problem.

It's interesting how we are all going thru the same thing. The stories are different but the results on our own mental well being are the same. My Dad insisted we grow up in our teens. Four boys. He came right out and said he would not support our laziness or stupid choices. We'd have to live with those choices. - Enter my stepson who is 38, divorced, two sons 18 and 21, and who lives with his mother and I in an 800 sq ft two bedroom condo in the back bedroom. He works only enough to support himself and pay for some groceries. No rent. Studies at the local community college and uses that as his excuse for not finding another woman, not getting full time work and using drugs and alcohol whenever he wants. He has been with us 8 years. Still no degree. No full time job. Bought himself a brand new car when I have to drive a ten year old beater to pay the mortgage and bills. He's had huge drug and alcohol issues and is better in that regard but my wife and I have no relationship. Between him stealing her time and worry, and his father (from the grave), her ex, having made her pathologically jealous by cheating on her, there's not much left after ten years of marriage. She never grew to be able to fully love nor trust. Take care of yourself people. Others won't change.

Oh fedup. I feel your pain. l2 yrs of marriage . 2 stepsons. Thankfully the oldest is in the Air Force. The youngest is 23. Has 2 failed rehabs and has stolen pills and money from us and his mom and stepdad. Kicked out of National guard, no job, arrogant and entitled. Wrwcked several vehicles. Daddy buys another. Tickets for many violations. My husband and his ex baby him. He abruptly took off to his brothers a few weeks ago thank God. Was just back for a week and in a drunken rage beat up on a girl this morning. She won't call the police cause her parents would be mad at her for seeing him. He of course lied and said he never touched her but I'm hearing he threw her out of a truck and choked her. He's laughing all the way back to VA right now, cause he got away with it again. I feel my house is tainted with negativity now. I'm just sad he's ruined everybody's life around him.

I am worried about your post retiredarmygirl. One difference with my story is that there was never any violence. You can't allow this to continue. Can you talk to your husband and explain that you are concerned for your and his safety? Is there a chance that he could return from VA?

I can only tell you how my husband and I deal with his children. My stepson came to live with us for awhile after stepson's divorce. It worked for a time until he started disrespecting both myself and my husband. I told my husband that stepson had to go. Husband said "what do you want me to do, put him out in the street." I said " No, but he needs to find a job." Guess what, he found a job in California. Thank you God. My husband thankfully backs me up. Since then things have gotten better. You have to demand respect from stepchildren and don't let them get away with anything. It does to some extent work both ways. We all make mistakes. One thing you have to be careful of is not embarrassing them in front of others. Take one aside both of you and if they continue to disrespect they are toast. Give them a warning but do not allow them to visit until their behavior improves. My husband backed me up on this and it worked, thank God. They are almost angels now. I say almost. You need a supportive partner or none of this will work.

wow, ive read all of these post and I already knew I wasn't alone. now I know I am a statistic. Been with my husband 7years. two boys in their early teens, now 19 and 21. Both have been manipulated by their mother their entire lives. She turned them against my husband at an early age. Also they never stayed together so the kids don't even know what its like for them to be a family. Go back to the beginning and both kids moving back and forth playing each parent manipulating them both. All the while Im feeling bad for them and trying to provide some stability in their lives. Have done everything for them and I mean everything. Im the one available and I basically have been raising them. Of course in my mind I thought they would grow to appreciate me and realize that I do care for them as my own but sadly that is not the case. Both live with us over 2yrs, mother doesn't exist to them because she no longer has child support. Live here rent free, do nothing and I mean nothing. In their minds its my job to take care of everything in the house and I get no backing from my husband at all. Not because he doesn't see what they do but he has no coping skills whatsoever and just wont deal with them. would rather walk on eggshells around them then to deal with the issues of disrespect etc. After reading all of the comments I know what ive already known. It is not going to change. Im the bad guy even though because of me they both graduated and have jobs. They can do no wrong in their fathers eye and its killing me. Seriously I just expect them to clean their rooms and put dishes in dishwasher. way too much to ask. not even worth it while I take care of entire house, dogs ,shopping, etc. Either I run like hell or live in hell...

ok I know its only been 16 minutes but would someone reply to my comment from me.. so I don't feel so crazy..thanks would like feedback

Hi --- in my experience, I took the bull by the horns. I stuck to my guns and demanded the kids do weekly chores which were written down every week. We had family meetings once a week where there were ground rules and open discussion. That being said, my stepkids were 13 and 10 when they moved in with us --so perhaps fighting the battle when they were young helped? In any case, would your spouse consider going to counseling with you?

Thank you fedup for responding. All support is greatly appreciated. When the kids were younger I did make lists and sometimes it worked. The problem is im still making lists because if we ask anything from them we get nothing but disrespectful excessive backlash. Its very sad that at their age they still have this sense of entitlement attitude because my husband doesn't make them responsible for any of their actions. He pays for their cars, insurance, cell phones everything. While they get to save every cent of their paychecks and contribute nothing to the household as far as chores or even cleaning up after themselves. I pay for all groceries, dog food for their dogs etc. and just feel like a full time care provider. My husband would not be willing to go to counseling because to him its just kids being kids. He cant deal with them on any level but to be their friend. Ive explained to him that they need a father right now not a friend and he is only making it harder for them when they do leave the nest. As always he changes the subject. I even told him this morning how I posted a blog that I have to run like hell or live in hell and of course I know this hurt him. again the man of many words had nothing to say. I don't doubt that he loves me he is a hardworking kind man but I can no longer live in this environment.

First, not to be too judgmental here but you've kind of made your bed on this one and now you can decide to sleep in it if you wish. How could you not expect possible step-child problems involving an alcoholic father who was not there during the "formative" years, and why would you want to have a child with this person?

Your question is a valid one and I have made the choice to "sleep in my bed" for the long haul. I guess your inferring that I should have seen warning flags and ran the other way. In my opinion, life and who we choose to love is not that simple. No one truly knows what they will do in a certain situation until they are actually in it. It's very easy to judge someone else's actions by what you assume your own would be, if you were in their shoes. But we only know what we THINK we would do, not what we WOULD do.

Of note here is my husband has overcome the odds in staying sober 22 years this year. Despite his battles with alcoholism during my stepchildren's formative years, both of his children (the two mentioned above) are out of our home, working full-time, supporting themselves. Our daughter together (now 13) is a self-confident, honors student who is extremely close with a loving, caring father. I couldn't have picked a better man for her father. He has learned so much from his mistakes and is determined to get his one chance at full-time fatherhood right!

I agree with you fedup. No one can truly give you negative advice without walking in your shoes. No one understands until they experience the things in life that are frustrating and hard to deal with, easy to give an opinion until you are the one with a problem. its great that you have come as far as you have and the support that you are giving to your husband and daughter is what any good parent would do.

Having just read through this thread, it kind of made me realise that I'm not at fault in my thoughts towards my step-son. My wife always makes me question my feelings towards him and naturally enables and defends him all the time. Whilst this is a natural mothering instinct, it doesn't help him progress in life.
Basically, the stepson left school early at 17 because he felt it was pointless; he wouldn't go to college because again he thought it was pointless; he wouldn't create a CV to help him get a job; he had the chance to earn some money once and never pursued it; he always challenged me whenever I pushed him to do things with his life; he refused to help around the house because he was always TOO busy doing stuff, and by stuff I mean (watching tv in his room, in the middle of playing online multiplayer, talking to friends on phone) just excuses. He gradually started putting on weight because he never did anything. When he turned 19 he moved to Scotland with his girlfriend with the talk of going to college or university. Again he never did it, but the girlfriend did. He just spent his days in the flat doing nothing but play games.

Fast forward to present day, he is now 25, overweight with IBS, no job, no girlfriend, never done a hard days work in his life all because of the choices he made, and now he has moved back in to our house. I refuse to watch him sit around the house being a bone-idle lazy couch potatoe and continue this way of life. His presence just frustrates and irritates me... Everytime I come home from work, he is just sitting there in front of the TV with his laptop and the wife just seems to let it happen. This in my opinion is just enabling his lazy attitude and I only see it getting worse; he now has his meals prepared for him; his washing done for him, he now basically has no responsibilities. I have discussed all these frustrations with my wife, but she refuses to back me up and just defends him purely because she doesn't want to be in the middle. I will not just roll over AGAIN! and agree to her way of handling this. It isn't helping him at all....

You're in quite a difficult position! Your wife needs to wake up and realize that she is the problem...until that happens nothing will change. Your ss isn't going to wake up one day and be a responsible, productive member of society because he wasn't taught to be. Maybe some reverse psychology is in order here? Does your wife work?

Thanks for reading karma...

Yes, my wife does work, but only 3 days a week, 8am-2pm. Why you ask?

Just wondered if you could possibly use that as a tool. If she didn't work, and you were paying for everything, then it certainly is a lot more your call as to where the money goes and what help your ss gets. I know it's a stretch. Guess I was just thinking out loud.

I'm so glad I've found this forum this morning...I feel so alone in my own house right now and it's very painful. My stepson has ony been living with us for 6 mos. He decided last yr that he wanted to move in with his dad. I was very excited for my boyfriend (we are now commonlaw) as I knew it thrilled him to have one of his kids living with him. Jump forward to the past few months and the 16 yr old boy that I used to get along with so well has now said he wants to move back with his mother and has put all the blame on me. My spouse, who up until 3 days ago was as frustrated as I've been with his laziness and disrespect for curfews, rules etc, is now taking his son's side and saying this is all my fault for expecting too much of a teenager. Here's what I expected - bed made, cat litter cleaned and cat fed. That's it- those were his chores. I have done them 99% of the time and most of the time haven't even told my spouse and then I'll hit a wall of frustration and let him know that I'm actually the one doing everything. The son has failed a course in school this year, is almost failing summer school and is the most unmotivated teenager I have ever met. He does absolutely nothing. He will be17 next month and still has not gotten his learner's permit for driving and why would he since he dad jumps, even in the middle of our evenings together, to pick him up as soon as he calls saying he needs ride home. His mother is coming to pick him up at the end of this week and I am now sitting in our home, being completely ignored and blamed for everything. I had so many ppl warn me about this living situation and I honestly didn't anticipate any problem. I thought that when an adult lays out rules in the home, a child, as was the case in my home growing up, did what was asked of them and when they didn't, consequences were given. I am now the evil stepmother and my spouse refuses to listen to my side of anything. It is a lonely place to be and I'm fairly sure after his son leaves, he will be leaving shortly after. I'm almost relieved in all honesty, becaus in my books, your spouse has your back or, in the very least, is open to discussion and listening to your thoughts on a subject. This has opened my eyes a lot. What I'm learning most is that yes, the stepchild/stepparent relationships will almost always come with issues BUT if the partner doesn't support you or discuss the issues with you fairly about their child, they probably won't have your back in any other situation either.

Hi --- I totally know the feeling of being alone and abandoned by someone you thought was your soulmate. However, speaking from experience, when it comes to their flesh and blood, the reality that you will take a back seat is all too real. I do think my husband "has my back" in other situations, but in the past he has felt that his children needed him to defend them from ME, more than I needed him to support me. What I have learned is that the power of GUILT combined with a need to be the hero are personal issues that my husband had that, in a way, I felt were selfish. They were selfish on his part because they fulfilled a need within him, but did not benefit his child in the sense that he was not teaching them respect, obedience, hard work, self-sufficiency, teamwork and overcoming conflict. All of these things are things that we are supposed to teach our children. Maybe your husband is filling some personal needs of his own right now that he feels he has neglected in some way. Have you tried talking to his son directly, as you say you used to have a good relationship with him? (at least you had that :) Unfortunately, I could not help "heal" my husband of his guilt. It has taken years for him to forgive himself somewhat. I hope all turns out okay for you

Unfortunately, sounds like a familiar stepparent situation. I am married to a woman who I love, and I do love her son, but we have problems due to the son's lack of respect for me. He is 18 and living at home, which is fine, but I request that he does what should be obvious, like keep his room clean. However, he often does not keep things clean, and then when I ask him to come home and clean things (he spends a lot of time with friends), he will ignore my text message of voice message. So, when he comes home, I ask him why he ignored the message. He pretends he didn't get it, when I know he did. He has been ignoring me for months. My wife says that he doesn't want to be at home because I get onto him about things when he comes home. But, if he would just keep things clean, or acknowledge me, then I wouldn't have to say much. So, it's as though I'm in the wrong for asking an 18 year old, living rent-free, in my house, to keep things clean. In sum, the step-son ignores me, and his mother makes excuses. Since this isn't the first time she's back him, or his sister, up for completely irresponsible behavior, I've learned that a parent will almost always side with their children against you, regardless of how illogical it is.
If you weren't already married, I would advise not to get married, but that isn't the case. Honestly, I've seriously considered divorcing my wife multiple times because of her siding, illogically, with her children on self-evident things. I guess my advice (and I am really trying, albeit hard, to take my own advice) is to try to "unjoin" yourself - in the scenario you explained, you could have just handed your stepdaughter the change and said "ok, then, you and your brother take care of it." In my situation, I plan on ignoring my stepson the next time he needs any help from me. I also plan on ignoring my wife for the next 24 hours - maybe they can see how it feels when someone ignores you.
It's hard - very hard. I'm amazed any marriages with stepchildren work out. In the end, I made a commitment and I will stick to it, but I have to realize that I cannot control what they do, but only what I do and how I respond to things. This means also that I may have them be upset, but I have to be able to respect myself and have the confidence that when I'm right, I'm right.
I have no idea if all this helped you at all, but I wish you the best.

Hi -- my original post was 5 years ago and I still get comments !! I am still married (18 years this summer) and can say that the situation with my stepson is still strained. we are able to have "civil" infrequent family gatherings and this past Fathers Day was not without incident. He avoids spending time as a family with myself, my husband, our daughter and my stepdaughter (his full sister). He is often angry and this year, took out his frustration about going out to dinner for Fathers Day vs. a breakfast. He explained that breakfast would have been much more convenient for him, as he has other people to see in the evening. However, interestingly enough, his anger was directed at his sister, not me this year. The one thing that has changed is that my husband has become less defensive of him. I do believe he is beginning to see the monster that he has helped created.

Hi - you probably still get comments because there are a lot of stepparents that are frustrated. Congratulations on seeing things through - it probably took more will power and patience than most people can imagine. It seems that Father's Day is a sticking point for the family for some reason. I think your husband is starting to see that you are not the probable, but rather that his own son is the problem and maybe (whether you know it or not), your husband is starting to realize that by making excuses for his son, he hasn't helped him.
I can tell you that my wife used to make a lot more excuses for both the children, but it's become less as they have grown older. Maybe it's just paternal instinct - I don't know.
I can tell you that since I wrote what I did about two hours ago, I feel better and, actually forgiving. I probably won't ignore my wife once she gets home. If anything, reading your post made me understand that others go through the same pain. So, thank you!!!
Also, thank you for taking the time to write back. I hope that your stepson will change, but if he's 28 and still acting that way, he may or may not. I do believe people can change and I will hope that for you. Thanks again.

I'm so glad I'm not alone. My stepson just turned 18 and just moved in with us full time. I met him at age 6 and used to have a good relationship. His mother didn't either didn't care what he was doing or was abusive (one extreme to the other). We had half custody until we relocated to another state. Before we left, there we behavioral issues at school, failing grades, sneaking out, "I do what I want" attitude. Things got worse the 3 years we were gone and he started using drugs, failing school all together and completely out of hand. He asked to live with us to better his life. There was a chance he wouldn't graduate, and he wanted to improve his social life as well and get away from drug use. My husband and I had long conversations, we made agreements that he was here for school and that was to be his first priority before earning other privileges. He also promised to be a father and not a friend (he has guilt issues and tends to coddle). Stepson also agreed that there would be no drugs use in our home and that he would have no privileges until there was a change in his grades. Well, now age 18, he's been with us for 6 months and all the promises and agreements have gone down the toilet. His grades are horrible (even though he's a brilliant kid - total lack of any effort), we've caught him using drugs and upon confronting him, he says it's what he does for fun and no different than us having a beer in the evening and points his finger at us. My husband makes excused for him and coddles him - not really ever giving consequences. My husband lets him go to concerts and out with friends even though proven grades were to come first. He makes me out to be the bad guy. I feel betrayed, and my marriage is suddenly at a complete breaking point. We also have a 6 yr old daughter together. He has showed no interest in her and has all his attention on his son. I'm frustrated, hurt and I'm about ready to walk out!

I thought I too was alone. I completely dispose my step son. When I first met my husband. His son at 9 years old would throw himself on the ground and cry till he got his way. He would punch things, scream, run around pulling his hair. He also stated that he fuc@&$ hated me. This went on for a while. We started counseling and my counselor also said for me to focus on one positive. I can't. I have so much hatred I can't find anything good. When he eats he chews with his mouth open and lays his elbows on the table. My husband for 5 years now say "Zach" come on buddy sit up. I want to scream stop!!! How many times do we have to tell you this? So now we are at the point that I can't even say anything to my husband because he gets mad and blows up. I am ready to walk away. If I would have known his son was this bad I would have not have married my husband.

I cannot believe the number of responses! For almost two years, I thought I was alone in the issues my husband's sons inflicted upon us.
I wish I would have found this forum three years ago.

Anyhow, I've been there, done that with his criminal, deadbeat, lying, manipulative, uneducated, jobless sons. I no longer speak to any of them, they are not allowed in my home, and I do not ever want to see them or have them near our daughter, ever again.

My husband and I fought constantly over his sons. And, he constantly defended them, or excused their criminal behavior, lying, stealing, manipulation. They youngest has tried, over and over, to separate us through lies and manipulations. He actually stated his father used to hit him as a child. What he doesn't know is that I recorded our conversations towards the end of our relationship. When his father confronted him, he outright lied (as usual). His Dad now knew. Especially after hearing him lie to me about numerous things, on tape. That was my final straw. I had one final conversation with him where I outright told him his and brother's BS weren't overlooked by me, and that they were a total disappointment and embarrassment to their father. What does this pathetic, fat **** do? Do what he always does-tried to throw his half-sister under the bus by saying she "wasn't the angel we think she is" and that she does illegal things, yack-yack-yack. I dropped him off at his psycho Mother's house, and I've never seen him, or his equally pathetic brothers since. After all three of them stole from us, lied, manipulated, caused strife and drama (with the help of their emotionally disturbed bio-Mom). My story has drugs, felony larceny, Grand Theft Auto, neglect of one of their own children (the oldest had visitation about two years ago with his then 4 y/o and was growing, smoking and dealing pot out of his apartment. With his two brothers, who were complicit in the neglect and abuse. ******* POS!), bad-mouthing me so badly to my husband's mother and sister we no longer speak.

My husband will have to financially provide for his youngest and middle son in some fashion for the rest of their lives. And, for his grandson that his oldest son abandoned, doesn't pay child support for. Because they're druggies, with felony and misdemeanor convictions, minimal education, cannot conduct themselves within socially acceptable boundaries, lie, can never be trusted. I despise what they have done, all the trouble they have caused (with the help of their bio-Mom. She must be so proud that all three of her sons, under her care and custody when they were toddlers and young school age children are now jobless criminals), and their negative intentions. Even if these disgraceful human lots supposedly turn themselves around, I will never trust them, and will still refuse to have anything to do with them. They are adults, and chose to do the things they did, and to continue doing it. I don't give a damn if they're family or not. If they want to **** up their own lives, have at it. Just not on my dime, in my time, at my or my family's emotional expense.

There's only two solutions to a situation like this: leave, run as fast as you can if your husband or wife won't do anything about it. Or, remove the step-children from your life (as the step-parent) COMPLETELY, and let your spouse deal with them on different turf. I can't see any other way, particularly if they're adults.

lucky you my stepson is 19... no job.... still in high school... barley passing... problem to do chores.... his bedroom looks like it needs aid from FEMA... very disrespectful to his mom... I cant take it anymore.... I need help too !!!! atleast he has a job...or even goes thru jobs.... my stepson is yet to find one ever.... I want to throw him out... but my wife (his mother) wont let me ..... this kid is destroying my happiness...

Hi to all, I found this page while looking up songs about freeloaders! Lol....my story is pretty much like everyone else's....I've been married for 15 years. We have 3 children together and hubby has a son who's now 21. He had a rough life growing up, mother moved and hubby didn't know where his son was for 9 years. She calls up one day, apparently she could get ahold of him somehow all that time, but she calls up...having trouble with the dea. Hubby went and got sS that night...we live in indiana, she was in Virginia! Well for years he wud tell hubby's family all the cruel things I wud do, the unfairness, the I don't like him cards, etc. I tried, and tried, and tried. I was the bad guy...every time he came back...yeah, a lot of back and forth...I wanna go home...I don't wanna be here...and it was easier and easier to let him go with the turmoil he caused. My hubby knows how he is, sees it, but we always welcomed him back with open arms. Turns out he was pulling this in virginia too. Now he's 21, he asked to come home...he was about to be homeless...we couldn't say no. He brought his girlfriend, now both have no jobs 2 months in, neither past a 10th grade education, neither trying for GED, neither trying for drivers licenses...they run through the house, break stuff, torment the other kids...who are now 12, 14, and 15. The other kids wanted them back here so bad...now want them to go to. They do nothing to help...not even their own laundry. They have on occasion did a few things to help, but only when they hear we're sick of it. And now, I've come to find out, he's starting the talking about me again crap behind my back...not only to mother and sister in laws, but to my own kids! My boys are sleeping in the dining room so they can have their own room....he's on probation, but don't pay his fees. We've went extremely in debt, had our 60" tv broke, amongst other things...not only by them, but the younger ones too....it's just chaos here...has been since they moved in. I work 6 days a week, 2 shifts, hubby works too, my father just passed away in April, my son found him on his bathroom floor. Things were already hectic, but now....it's ridiculous! I've been saying I'm going to move and that I can't take it...hubby says he's going to say something, but he hasn't yet. Family lays the guilt trip on my hubby...but there's only so much a person can take. I don't want to leave either, but I'm done being he bad guy, the wicked step mother, the b****. If I ask him to look for a job, he yells at me, or gets pissed. Oh and the gf....she was teaching my daughter, her friend, and a 6 year old how to twerk, saying this music brings the hooker dance out of her! Then proceeded to dance for my sons when her fb, my ss, was out mowing lawns with his aunt. She stole from the store within a week of moving in, and just meeting me....she won't do anything, and keeps going into my daughters room when she even posted signs for her stay out when she's at school. I could go on for days, but this is how my sS story is....

Enough is enough. Tomorrow I'm having a talk with everyone...setting a move out day for sS and his gf...and if they don't go, I will. I'm done!

After reading all this it just confirms that my situation will never get better. Been married for 20 years, husband is 14 years older. His adult children are 51 and 52. They live in a home we are paying mortgage on. They are supposed to pay $250/month each for rent. THEY NEVER PAY. We always make this payment. All my husband will say is that he’s not going to put t hem out and he’s not going to lose that house. They know this is a constant source of problem in our marriage and still nothing. They both have productive jobs making good money and still refuse to pay rent, taxes or water bill on that house. He often complains about the money I spend knowing that we have that house payment. I am fully employed making a great salary. He is finally retired, well deserved he worked the same job for 35 years. They won’t even buy him a decent birthday present. Really infuriates me, but they are not the problem, he is.

I know this is an old post, but curious where you ended up. This is so similar to the last 6 years of my life. My ss and his father, now my ex husband were always focused on their friendship instead of being a father. My ss would be a complete *** to me, treated me like a door mat and I would get absolute no support from my ex. I think anyone in this situation should run like hell. Worst job of my life being a step mom to a manipulative, lying, bi-polar, mood disorder, bad student, bad mannered, and both bio parents enabling him to death. He is now 20 and running his own life, but his goal of dividing us is complete, so he is happy.

I have a teenager still recovering from being uprooted and is very angry with how his life was affected because of ss selfishness and sf not doing anything to control the situation.

I don't think very many blended families actual work. It's a lot of work and no rewards. I tried over and over to get my ss healthy and happy, all to no avail. Due to the lack of support, we parted ways with no love for each other.

Now, to the funny part that makes me laugh. This was both of our 2nd marriages. Our divorce will be final shortly and he is engaged to a woman with 5 kids and this will be both their 3rd marriage. LOL Better him than I!

Been there, done that. my conclusion is that many blended families don't work and never will. My step kids constantly argued with me and after 7 years my wife refused to back me up anymore and actually started blaming me for all of our problems. When councilors would told her she needed to do things differently she said they were crazy and kept doing the same things over and over, expecting different results - it doesn't work. I finally got fed up and told her I would stay out of their arguments as long as our daughter was not hurt or things did not get damaged, and if that happened I was going to call the police and charge the kids and her and insist they be arrested. I walked away from her emotionally and refused all forms of intimacy with her, after all why would I be intimate with my enemy. I told her if she wanted to save our marriage she had to change the way she was doing things. Our marriage got worse, but my hands were tied. The two boys left to live with their dad our third year of marriage. The older girl went to her dad's to "take care of him" (even though he didn't near it) when she turned 14 and the youngest left five years later (at 16) to live with a friend.

Things did not improve with my step kids until their mom got cancer and died (18 months from first diagnosis). They saw how I treated them and cared about their having closure in the way she was "buried". She had chosen cremation, but the kids wanted to see her buried, so I chose to bury her. It was a harsh lessen for them, but if not for that my marriage was doomed and I was prepare to divorce my wife after our daughter turned 18. After 15 1/2 years of marriage, my wife was dead and I had a 14 year old daughter to finish raising. She's 21 now and turned out good. The two younger step kids (girls) and I have a decent relationship now and I help them when they need it.

The chances are that you cannot save your marriage and as long as your husband continues to enable his kids to be abusive, things will keep getting worse. They're grown up, I would suggest you don't allow them at your home unless they treat you with respect and and maybe even divorce your no-good husband.

Loss and pain such as divorce can be hard to deal with and many people.e are mentally and emotionally scarrewd and can affect what they do and say. Yes I am not a mother(I should hjope not) but I have best wishes for the future of your relationships:) xx

Your step-son is going to take advantage of the situation,he deams he has been put apon by the parental discord and is using you and your partner to get back at.You and your partner must act in unison and use tough love by saying to him that untill he learns to pull his weight then he is no longer welcome at your home or out with your family.

My stepson, is yet another useless *****. I met him when he was 4, he became a teenager and suddenly, he was making my marriage difficult and unbearable. He left school in grade 8 and numerous inventions to talk to him to stay in school failed. I was treating him the same way as his 3 other brothers, but according to his mom, my wife, I didn't like him. In April 2012 I couldn't handle it no more and asked for a divorce, which she agreed upon. She told me to change my attitude towards him and maybe we could try again. I was then living with my 2 younger boys. Well I didn't, but a year later she came back to us. He's 23 now and he came back with her, still full of crap and playing his mom with the guilt game. Well I recently threw him out, he don't want to work and now that he has 1, don't pay the rent in full and don't buy his own toiletries. Needless to say, my relatinship that was booming with my ex, is also over. But I refuse to let him dictate my happiness. I have 2 minors I'm raising and I need to teach them right from wrong and with him around, it was going to be a daunting task. Twice he wrecked my love life and my ex just don't see it. I'm sorry to say it, but I mean it, I HATE THAT USELESS brat

Wow! I thought I would find some advice or solution to my step children problem but I have discovered there is none. I have to just get the word out to other "would be victims" no matter how strong a person you are (which I always have been) it has been the most regrettable decision I made. That being said, we also a an 8 yr old daughter together who I love more than anything in this world. I have only put with all the family drama because I want her to be raised with her father. I have been with my husband for 12 yrs. He has (3) sons who were 9, and twins 14 and a daughter who was 4. Fast forward now twins 26, both of which have been in and out of jail for drugs, dui, etc. One son is in jail right now! Their mother has been in and out of jail for drugs and arson for setting fire to hers mothers home! It's not what you might think... they were raised in an upscale home and community getting everything and every opportunity money could buy. The reason they are lazy is because they had a housekeeper cleaning up after them and no one made them do anything for money. It was all just handed to them. Now the mother has tried getting her life back together and I was always cordial with her, however now that the daughter is (15) she wants a closer relationship her mom and has decided that she doesn't have to listen to me. Keep in mind all the children have lived with us all along. I have raised her since she was (4) while her mom was busy with men, drugs and oh yeah... jail! Soooo long story short the daughter and friends discovered twitter and well so did I. The things these kids were saying would shock most parents to discover their "little darlings" would say. Wait it gets better... imagine my shock when I read my stepdaughters post "one day I'm gonna bet the s**t out of my stepmom" What!? Why me? What did I ever do to deserve this? The answer is simple: no good deed goes unpunished. Apparently, me telling her to clean her room and her bathroom, yes, she has her own bathroom, makes me the "bad person" and her mom who left her in a car alone at night while she was doing drugs in some guys house is the "cool mom". Needless to say, this has all put a strain on my relationship whith my husband. He doesn't even tell me anymore when the (2) 26 year olds who live with grandparents get in trouble. He is so stressed out, he is not the same person I married. The boys don't seem to care about the stress this has put on my husband. His legacy is being destroyed. There is hope in the (22) yr old son. He has a job and his own apartment struggling the same as I did when I was his age to make ends meet. So, I guess my life is not the way I envisioned it would be when I was in college and making a career for myself. Now, my sole focus is sheilding my (8) yr old daughter from all the drama and making sure she has a good upbringing. I guess now that I think about it... I AM STRONG! So, I guess the answer is we have to live with the decision we make and DO NOT miss the opportunity to warn others so they won't make the same mistake!

My partner has a "stepson" from a marriage that ended 20 years ago-he is not even his biological son! He never adopted him and his mother supposedly didn't care about him so my partner felt guilty. This ex-stepson is 28 now-he was arrested for heroin recently-of course nothing is his fault-it was the police etc. We battled so much about this that we are now separated, trying to reunite. The biggest problem for me is that this isn't even his son. I also have 2 sons of my own-my 32 year old is doing well, finishing school, and is a great dad. My kids father was a mental case that abandoned them when they were 11 and 14-so all they have is me. My 28 year old is not doing so well, low level job, didn't finish college (yet) and he is extremely intelligent. My partner started to criticize my 28 yr. old son harshly because of these issues and comparing the 2. Meanwhile his son was a drug addict who stole from us for years. He is supposedly 60 days clean-and if so I don't begrudge him that but I am so sick of the major role he has in our lives. His own mother doesn't want to hear from him. He calls his stepfather all of the time to get money and to make it worse he works for him. He is the most manipulative, arrogant, stupid person but my partner has a blind spot for him. He remembers him as a blond child who played hockey. I believe everyone deserves another chance-but this guy, beyond being an addict, is a thief and had his last chance thousands of chances ago (no exageration). What I do now, is avoid the subject of him. He is such a parasite, he is constantly looking for large amounts of cash that he blows and lives the lowest of lifestyles. I believe that I, my sons and my family should come first but my partner just can't see the codependent role this guy has in his life. My only hope is that he will go away but so far no luck with that. Sorry this may not seem like I am responding to the story but my point is that a person in a committed relationship needs to put their partner first and also undertsand how we feel about our own children (they are part of us). I have found that I really want this relationship to work so we are taking some time apart. I found myself wishing the stepson would go to jail just to be rid of him and because he deserves it. Now I take a different approach-believe in God or karma-justice will come eventually...just remain calm and non-judgemental and see if the results are different. Good luck.

Hi everyone, I am a man and I know where you are all coming from I have a stepson that is now 19 years old and boy what a useless adult ss this has turned out to be, lazy a mouth that you wouldnt believe when things dont go his way or he is told what to do he will get mouthy with his mom, school drop out since 16!! no ged nothing , has had 2 years since being 17 to get his driving license does not work go to school NOTHING and he hasnt even taken his written dmv test!! what a waster, says he wants a job YEH!! easy to say to his mom ,does not hit the pavement to look for work think he has filled 1 application in 2 years, has a baby now 2 who mostly lives with her mom that works , everything about him got me soooo angry and a mom my wife who tryed a little to put her foot down but its all back to norm with his lazy ***.
Anyhow I left months ago as i could not stand this lazy pot smoker who talks like a ghetto hood any longer , still see my wife but dont know how that will work out as I can never really see this ss really letting go of her teat!! its so hard when a single parent brings up a kid and has to play both mommy and daddy , and as a step dad to adult step kids it is extremely difficult to deal with when you have step kids like this , if he was mines his ultimatum would be get up in the morning look propely for a job get your license or GET OUT and find your own place No one pays my way he is an adult no one owes him anything.

I understand what you are going through-your stepson sounds like he needs mental health counseling. It may be hard for your wife to feel like she has to choose between the 2 of you. I hope your relationship works out-someday, somehow this stepson will move on and get a life of his own. he is young so there is hope. good luck.

OMG... I will not start with all ins and outs... but a few simple facts. My partner is 30 years older than me but we are madly in love, he has divorced his wife (not for me btw) and he is rich :)))...good comb u would think...not... I now live in this 7 bedroom amazing house with park like garden... with his daughter and her two children and her partner living in the cottage 40 yards away and his son and his girlfriend living with us. Now me and my partner have a three year old between us. His ex wife has got everything-house, car etc. she live two miles away :))). Great-she has got a life and her kids out of it too :)...Nice... Now me and my partners kids never had a cross word... but it is only because i just swallowed a lot of rubbish when i would have been right to just say--OUT!!! So... the daughter comes in and out when she wants to- no warnings! She also BORROWS anything...without asking, of course...The sons friends do too :). Oh and his son runs a business from this house too... So privacy...what is it??? No boundaries at all...and my partner thinks we are so lucky to have this amazing no arguments relationship with his kids (thanks to ME) that he thinks i should keep picj=king and tidying after them and just be nice... We will move in the next 18 months for that reason only-his kids... But with him expecting me to just 'swallow'everything I do not think I will last... It is just never ending.. the waiting bit ...

There are no easy answers. I'm in the same situation with my husband and his sons. The only difference for me is that the kids have moved out, and over my dead body will either of them EVER move back in. Told my husband next time one of them wants to come home and he okays it, they're all getting a place of their own. I think the bottom line is that our husbands are not confident enough to believe that if their kids fall down and hit pavement that they'll be strong enough to get back up, so they keep throwing mattresses under them. At some point we've all kissed asphalt....that's what we needed so we could learn.

Oh my goodness, this is so depressing. So many people with the same problem but no answers. And quite honestly now I'm really beginning to think that the only hope is to leave. I so do not want to start over at 47 years old but I truly don't know how much more I can take. My 32 yr. old stepson is even making up lies to try and make his father mad at me. I was feeling guilty for believing he was trying to break up our marriage until I read all of this, now I'm in shock at how many other people have the same problems, and somehow we are all labeled as the bad ones, and jealous of our husband's own child.

What I really don't get is what makes these fathers like this and having these abnormal relationships with their sons. I know my children are not perfect but my goodness I can get in their face when I need to and flat out tell them when they do something stupid. Bad thing is, my SS has 2 children he's not taking care of either and my husband won't even say anything to him about that. He really is a chronic liar and I am going insane.

In effort to offer a little something here, I did find a book I think I may read. It's called "Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children by Allison Bottke. The exerpt looks like it could be helpful if I can get my husband to read it.

Wow and all this time I thought it was just me!

14 years ago I married a man with a son from a prior marriage whose mother was a real wack job! I embraced that child accepted him completly my husband was a great father always paid support when he was laid off I always made sure support was paid in 2002 the wack job up and moved out of state long story short I stood by my man and fought to keep his son. Here with him a stable environment the courts agreed with us and we got full custody that ended up being the biggest mistake I could have ever made I should have let him go.... He is always the center of conflict in my home 23 still living under my roof! Does nothing around the house a lying lazy ***! My husband does not support me in any issues I have suffered a stroke at 43 I feel is due to the stress I had between work and my unhappy home life situation, when I try to talk to my husband it just ends up in an argument and me hurting again when my husband tells me I should leave! Well this anniversary you may get what you want but then my income stops upon my death I hope you and your lazy *** son figure out how to pay the bills I have contemplated my own death many of times trust me this is not something I take lightly as I do have an 11 year old son as well and I don't want to hurt him but the way things are at the housei often wonder if it won't really be the best for him in the long run

to Wiwdead: Please do not be so hard on yourself. You took a chance in caring about a troubled child (your stepson) and it did not work out the way you thought. PLEASE do not do anything drastic like taking your own life. Think of your son. He needs you and loves you. Your energy and focus should be on him to ensure he grows up to make the right choices. He will turn into a fine young man with you by his side and someday you will reap the rewards of your love and devotion to your son. I have a friend whose wife recently took her own life and left behind two sons, 16, and 13 and a daughter who is 8. Believe me if you can imagine looking into the eyes of those children at their mother's wake you would not give suicide a second thought. You were granted a gift by having your son. Cherish him and do what you need to do to provide him with the best chance in this world. If you want to talk live, please let me know. Thank you for coming here and sharing!

Please think of what your suicide would do to your son-it is devestating. It is a forever decision and nothing is worth it. Divorce is not the end of the world-it is hard but it may be the only answer.

Why does everyone stay in a hopeless situation? If the husband or wife doesnt care how their children live then it's time to break free of the torture! I cant see waisting my life away with someone who doesnt stand up to their children! And if it's the house or whatever he has that your waiting for when he dies you may have a very long time of torture waiting for something you may never get! Set yourself free and be happy

I am so sad to read all of these stories, but they have opened my eyes.

I found this site, looking for support in my decision to stay with my husband, but reading all of these posts, I just want to tell everyone to leave, why stay in a situation where you are being treated so poorly?

By removing myself and seeing all of your situations from an "outsiders" point-of-view, I see my situation all the more clearly. I am finished pleading with my husband, setting deadlines, that whoosh by and trying to give respect to his two grown children, one of which lives with us, just to be treated poorly. I am leaving within the next month. It would be sooner, but I've got to pack and find a new place.

Thanks for opening my eyes everyone! Good luck, all!

I left my husband eight years ago after watching his son destroy our home, our lives I had always hoped once this child matured things would change. I thought that once I left ...things would change. They never change..they never will and I have lived seperately from my husband for many years with no hope in sight. Once a parent creates a dysfunctional relationship with a child..it rarely changes. The only change can come from us. The only solution for me was to leave but their relationship went on and they became more deeply co-dependent. I will always be on the outside looking in. I will be moving on with life and letting go. I'm just sorry I wasted eight years.

I have to ask: why do you stay. I am having issues with my 29 year old stepson living with. He is unempolyed and stays in bed all day. This is not how I raised my children and would never put up with it from them. My man doesn't seem to have a problem with the way things are but, I do. I am no longer happy ay home and don't want to be here. Think it's time for me to move out. I love my man and I know he loves me but, a relation takes more than love to work. I don't to to end our relationship, I just think it would be better if we didn't live together anymore. He can deal with his son, and I can be happy at home.

You have the same plan I had. I love my husband and do not want to lose him, but I love myself too and I have come to realize that if I leave, but remain married, I am losing not only him, but any chance I may have at happiness.

Has anyone out there moved out, but remained married and had it work out okay in the long-run?

Yes - we lived separate more than together for the first 7 years of our marriage! All because of that kid of his and that we could not agree (also related to husband's addiction issues at the same time making it impossible) but we eventually re-married...and SS is NOT in the picture of OUR family. Husband sees his son separately regularly without us because we STILL cant come to any agreement on the subject. Its' the only way we could move forward for OUR 2 daughters to have a "normal" family life with a mom and dad who want to be together. Outsiders could NEVER understand how this works but it does.

I have a 22 year old step-son. Rude, liar, thief, druggie, alcoholic. Swears worse than a sailor. Has threatened to throw a small pot of boiling water in my face once. Calls me an f'ing *****. Tells his dad to f off, or f you, f'ing idiot, so on and so on. Steals money or anything worth money from us or his brother to sell for drugs. Gullible as hell. Thinks he knows something about everything, then when he starts talking he ends up looking like an idiot. May possibly be Fetal Alcohol, don't know how to get him diagnosed, but he probably wouldn't go anyway.<br />
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He used to live his mom and step-dad, but they kicked him out when he turned 18, due to all the damage he has caused in their apartment. Also done damage in our home too. Scares our pets, then laughs.<br />
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I'm too the point now where almost every day I think about leaving. But when I think that, it hurts like hell because I do love my spouse.<br />
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There is absolutely no where for this boy to go. His mom won't let him back for more than one night. He won't go to a shelter. Won't go for counseling. Won't listen.<br />
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Every time I think about it I want to cry. The worst part. I have bipolar (manic-depressant), along with anxiety and panic attacks. Wow, can he ever trigger me. Lost my voice for a week, just this month, after a big yelling match between him and myself.<br />
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I know this board is mostly for ranting, and every one of us is hoping someone will come along and be able to give us an idea that just might work.<br />
<br />
Is there anyone out there with any ideas. I am in Ontario, Canada

It doesn't matter that he doesn't have a place to go. That needs to be HIS problem, not YOURS. Maybe a week or two out on the streets with no help, no food, no nothing will wake his sorry arse up. It's not your concern that your stepson WON'T go somewhere. Truth is, he says that because he doesn't HAVE to go. I'm fighting this very battle with my husband right now....he always wants to provide his son with a safety net. No. These kids need to know what the pavement tastes like so they'll be motivated not to ever taste it again.

Wow! I am not alone. I finally married my husband one year ago this month, thinking after nine years of dating his kids wouldn't be a problem (both boys 20 & 22 yrs old). I was wrong. The holidays were a disaster - neither SS bought their dad a gift or anyone else after they were showered with some nice things. The total lack of respect for their dad amazes me. The oldest is a pig & lives in filth, the youngest helps out somewhat, but he doesn't have a job, a license, a GED, or a clue. He just plays video games all day long. The oldest has a job at a pizza place and comes and goes as he pleases, leaving a pile of trash in his wake. I avoid talking to both of them because when I do try to ask them to clean up or take garbage out, I get the whole attitude crap with my request. I told my sweet, ineffectual husband who has raised them since they were 7 & 9, (deadbeat mom), that he has two months to straighten them out or I will have to leave for my sanity. I glossed over the gory details because I just get mad all over again. My husband won't or can't make them do anything and I also think he is afraid of their wrath when thwarted. I have no savings and work 50 a week to help maintain the household. I would rather live under a bridge then deal with those two spoiled rotten brats.

Hi All,<br />
<br />
I am glad that I started this blog as I can see that there are so many people out there in the same situation! IT is truly sad that there are so many troubled kids out there. But worse, is that it would seem that the parents of these kids (our stepkids) are incapable of standing up and being a parent for fear of alienating these kids out of guilt. We the step-parents are thrown into a hopeless situation with little training or preparation on how to deal with these step kids or our spouses for that matter. I think that counseling may help them, but the question is, should we attend? or stay out of it. I doh't know anymore. My ss just up and freaked out and quit his job of 6 years last week. Of course, this threw our household into turmoil as my husband was targeted as the cause of it. My ss claims that my husband "traumatized" him as a youth by divorcing his mom and he is unable to cope with anything. He started yelling at work because he was supposed to report for work at 8 a.m. and didn't show up til 10 a.m. When his boss questioned him, he stated he was being micro-managed and quit. My hubby was so distraught and called me to vent. Of course, I said what a stupid ***. Now he can't even get unemployment. My hubby says I have nothing but "hate in my heart" for him and that if I loved him, I would stop being so judgemental about his son. sigh.... I give up. This ss is 27 years old. I don't think this will ever end. This "kid" will continue to be a source of conflict in my marriage forever. I give up. I don't hate my ss, I am just sick to death of him and his antics. Oh - did I mention that we went away for a 4 day camping trip with my dogs and my ss and hubby arranged to have my ss stop over to "take care of the house"? Without asking me. Mind you, my ss NEVER comes to my house when I am there for anything -- holidays, birthdays nothing. BUT he can come over when I am not there & WATCH my house? Turns out he slept there & invited 4 or 5 frineds over to use my pool and lord knows what else. I found out my seeing them on FB via pics in my pool, etc. I wAS FURIOUS! My hubby & I argued for 2 weeks that his son is completely trustworthy and I was ungrateful because he helped us out by watching a house (that was empty). So you see -- it NEVER ends.

OMFG! Wow...Im glad you started it too...I could totally see my husband doing this and me being just as furious, and him defending it just like you describe! SS is not welcome at our house EVER and never comes around if I'M there...total disrespect toward ME which is completely allowed by my husband (cant stand that). But as long as SS stays out of the picture, it's like our lives are as perfect and normal as can be, and everything I ever wanted. Just every holiday and milestone, that kid seems to find a way to ruin everything (thru my husband of course) but since nothing I do can fix my husband's guilt, I give up. So my SS is turning 18 and support is ending soon...so I had all this "hope" that he might get a life and get out of ours?? But this blog is sort of shooting that down. This is never going to get better is it? God help me. For some dumb reason I had all this hope around the 18th bday? I dont know why? I'd gotten rid of this kid (mostly) for the last 10 years basically...as in he doesnt come to our house or anything. But will he ever get a life and do something productive with himself? Or will he just stay a loser forever? What a disaster.

Ladies i can truly understand your situations, am a man in the same place, 2 ss, one is 28 and the other is 32 and STILL LIVE AT HOME, i had kids of my own by then in first marriage. Don't know how or what to do any more. Love her but just cant deal with dead beat, drug addicts.

Hi All,

I am glad that I started this blog as I can see that there are so many people out there in the same situation! IT is truly sad that there are so many troubled kids out there. But worse, is that it would seem that the parents of these kids (our stepkids) are incapable of standing up and being a parent for fear of alienating these kids out of guilt. We the step-parents are thrown into a hopeless situation with little training or preparation on how to deal with these step kids or our spouses for that matter. I think that counseling may help them, but the question is, should we attend? or stay out of it. I doh't know anymore. My ss just up and freaked out and quit his job of 6 years last week. Of course, this threw our household into turmoil as my husband was targeted as the cause of it. My ss claims that my husband "traumatized" him as a youth by divorcing his mom and he is unable to cope with anything. He started yelling at work because he was supposed to report for work at 8 a.m. and didn't show up til 10 a.m. When his boss questioned him, he stated he was being micro-managed and quit. My hubby was so distraught and called me to vent. Of course, I said what a stupid ***. Now he can't even get unemployment. My hubby says I have nothing but "hate in my heart" for him and that if I loved him, I would stop being so judgemental about his son. sigh.... I give up. This ss is 27 years old. I don't think this will ever end. This "kid" will continue to be a source of conflict in my marriage forever. I give up. I don't hate my ss, I am just sick to death of him and his antics. Oh - did I mention that we went away for a 4 day camping trip with my dogs and my ss and hubby arranged to have my ss stop over to "take care of the house"? Without asking me. Mind you, my ss NEVER comes to my house when I am there for anything -- holidays, birthdays nothing. BUT he can come over when I am not there &amp; WATCH my house? Turns out he slept there &amp; invited 4 or 5 frineds over to use my pool and lord knows what else. I found out my seeing them on FB via pics in my pool, etc. I wAS FURIOUS! My hubby &amp; I argued for 2 weeks that his son is completely trustworthy and I was ungrateful because he helped us out by watching a house (that was empty). So you see -- it NEVER ends.

Hi ruegar- your husband asked him to leave... did he?

Wow, I came across this site after another episode with adult SS. I'm not alone. My husband of 20 years begged me to give this 23 year old another chance at Christmas. We got custody of him at 10. After many in and out move in, back with abusive mom when he was 16, back here at 22 where he lost his job, did nothing around here and disrespected Dad and myself I told hubby he had to go. He finally found a nice girl, they had a baby, things were looking up and I made the effort. Last night out of the blue he lost it AGAIN and I became the B**** <br />
The C**** and everything wrong in his life is my fault, not Moms not Dad ME. His Dad did ask him to leave. My other Step-Son who is 22 now still lives with us and calls me Mom. Nothing but respect. He thinks he brother is bi polar. I'm Done and I feel sorry for hubby as he so despereately wanted his grandson to be able to be here etc...But how many times can he ask me to turn the other cheek?

Reply by prayinjesusname May 23rd, 2012 at 10:03AM<br />
Hello, to all. I feel all ya'll pain. I have lived the same miserable life you all have. To (fedup12). My blood sister have done the same to me. Then she said she thought we had a close relationship. LOL I have gone through this life 21 years of hell. I started raising this boy since he was 2 years 9 months. He is now 24. He has been to juvi, jail, and prison. In dads eyes I was always the liar. SS never did nothing wrong, dad always believed him in EVERYTHING. EVERY time I confronted my husband it was a huge argument. He would not believe our children nor me. Everything I told my husband about his son was true, husband never believed me. SS went into a coma due to overdose. I was devistated cause my husband couldn't except his was wrong and I was right all along. SS fake heart pain all the time cause dad would believe him. Till one day I said this is it. Your son or the three kids and me. (Son 20), (Daughter 19), (Son 15). My husband never, never, never believed us. He finally told him he couldn't live here no longer. SS lies continued. Then I was told my 20 yr old was using drugs. Told husband maybe his son provided it to him. Another huge argument. My husband always said I just hated his son. That to me SS was always the bad guy. I had always told my son that if he has problems with drugs he can go to rehab or get his own place, cause drugs will NOT be aloud in my home. Till one day I cleaned his room and found that he is using drugs. I told him he had no choice he will be going to rehab cause I love him so much, I can not see him go to waste and be no good for society. When I made the turn to take him to rehab, my son jumped out the truck, my husband chasing him down the main street, my son crossed the street and by a little ALMOST got ran over. Finally my husband tackled him down. MY son started crying to me saying that SS was the one providing it to him. Husband immediately said LIAR. After all the cumosion, my son left with my nephew, then he was picked up by someone one else. He has not answered any of my phone calls tell this day. I told my husband I DO NOT want to see his son around our home anymore. Next day he picked up his son to go to work and let him have. He told his son he continue to work for him but does not want him around our home. <br />
This is just a bit of my story. I am hurting to know that my son is not home. I know that one day they will marry and move on. But I know at least that way they are in a good relationship. Not wasted cause of some idiot who chooses to live their life different. I am not the cause to SS parents breakup. One man said once a crock always a crock. Please pray with me that our God will put his angels to camp over my son to guide him and protect him.

Hi Danceman50-<br />
Sorry to hear about your situation. I know about trying to keep the peace, but that can kill you. I haven't had major heart problems yet, but i have done the stress test and an echocardio because of palpitations/dizziness. My stomache is constantly in knots. My husband notices and just says, "why are you still so uncomfortable with this?" Living with adult children is less than ideal under the best of circumstances, just because of money issues, boundaries, privacy, etc. Never mind adult stepchildren with a propensity for drugs/stealing. I don't know how long I can do this, but I love my husband. Which just causes more anger, anger for him not caring about the position he's put me in. He's too blinded for his hope that "this time" will be the time his son gets his act together. As long as my stepson doesn't apprear drugged up my husband will pretty much tolerate anything. And part of me feels guilty for feeling otherwise. But I didn't realize I signed up to live with a 22 year old who just doesnt feel like getting a job or a life. It's like I am married to both of them. It's one thing when he was a minor, but this is getting ridiculous. I believe in backing your spouse also, but on this issue the favor is not returned. Where is my husband's outrage that someone stole from his wife, went through her underwear drawer, brought drugs into a house with an 11 year old girl??I don't really have any advice either. But just know you are not alone, and please take care of yourself, put your health first. You have to make that a priority even if your wife does not.Take care.

I feel all the pain that all of you have been through, but it not only women that have this problem it is men too. I will not bore you with a lot of details, but I have 2 stepsons that have been in trouble with the law since both were 16. One is 18 now and the other is 22. I office out of my home and wife has to be at work 12 hrs a day. Their father does not want to be bothered for the most part. I try to have a rewlationship with them to no avail. I watch over the boys when they are home due to the things they have done. We vitually have keyed locks on most doors in the house due to hiding drugs and guns. I find and remove, the boys will evetually try to bring more in. I talk to my wife about it or say something to the boys and and she gets mad at me. She will stay mad at me for days on end. while treating them as nothing has happened. I do 95% of the work around the house ( yard work, wash clothes, clean, take care of pets, ect) and work a full day and pay all the bills. The boys half the time are disrespectful to me and she says what is she to do. She will not let me kick them out as she has had me do with my girls (approx the same age). I have done it because I believe in backing up your spouse. She has never backed me up with the boys. I try to treat them as my own and spend as much on them as on my own children with no appreciation. To top it off I have a heart attack a couple months ago due to an argument with one son and wife was never told why . I am just trying to keep the peace. Drs still believe I can have another one but my wife when it comes to the boys she is very inconsiderate and I think at times cares less if I live or die. <br />
There is really no advice I can give I have tried everything to no avail. Just wanted to let all of you know that men are having the same issues. Good luck to all.

Thank you everyone for sharing your experience and stories, it makes me feel less lonely. My 22 yr old stepson came back to our house last after two years in prison for heroin/running from the cops. This was his third time in jail/prison, he's been in and out of rehab, stolen from me, goes through my purse, my bedroom. I also have my 11 year old daughter at home. I don't want her exposed to all of this mess, but my husband just won't see the light. I am so angry he's let his son back into our house. Plus I work at home, so I am the home alone with him all day, no privacy, ahhh! Don't know how many times I can do this.

Your main duty in my opinion is to protect your daughter because she is still a child-good luck.

Like many of you, I feel less alone reading your posts. I have two grown stepdaughters. The older one has been coddled by her father for years. Everytime she got in trouble, he bailed her out. I know he does this partly out of guilt, but her bad decisions never had repurcussions and now her life is in the toilet. Now he wants us to "buy" a house so she and her worthless husband and their three kids can "save" money. Huh? Why should I go into debt because this woman makes stupid choices. This may well end my marriage if my husband pushes this idea.

Like everyone else has said, how great to see your posts and and realize I am not the witch that my SS (27) fiance (26) and SD (29) say that I am. Like many of you I fell in love with my husband for his generosity but now experience the dysfunctional side of it when I see how he has raised his children, allowing things that I have taught my daughters (20 and 15) are not acceptable for healthy, responsible people. I am encouraged by humblpie, not that I'm leaving my husband but that in our 3 years of marriage I continued to insist that SS move out and finally, he has. The problem is, I thought that would solve all my problems, not having him underfoot, but he continues to "come to the well" for financial help, job help, etc., and I don't see this ever stopping . I worry we will have no retirement for supporting the stepchildren the rest of our lives.<br />
We have sought counseling over this ever since we dated and make small advances but nothing earthshattering. It seems the sad thing in all our situations is that our spouses set up these dysfunctional situations with their children out of a sense of misplaced guilt/love, and the selfish children simply feed off it and refuse to grow up and become the young men and women that they need to be. Some of you mentioned detaching and looking the other way, which is really the only answer if I truly love and want to remain with my husband, so I pray for the strength to do that every day---and surreptiously stash $$ away so that there will be something one day!!!

i to have had this same sitution with my 21 year old ss after 9 years of being the enemy and him being the victim and his dads resentment toward me not being able to stand up for my self without being ask to leave are without my husband taking up for me i left and let me tell you ladies this was the best decision i ever made the weight it took off my shpulders and the stress relief it has been and now my husband has actually took a hard look at the situation and has finally stood up to his son moved him out and he is actually standing on his own two feell tough love on my part and on his dads part i will say it wasnt easy probly hardest thing i ever did i packed my personal belongings took what pride i had let and left gracefully got me a cute quite apartment and now things are on my terms ladies dont take that diisrespect life i to short to be miserable.

I have the same problem with a small twist. It's not my stepson it's our son. He is 25 and has spent the better part of his life getting rescued by his dad. Now, this adult does not know how to get along in life without his dad. Today I am one week away from eviction because his dad has let him bring so much crap to our yard it's begging to be the next episode of Hoarders. I talk all the blame because now when we are down to crunch time and I refuse to go outside and help clean it up. I will divorce if we loose this house and I will not take the blame. I love my son but I can't stand him at the same time. Does anyone else have this issue?

My step son is 31 and thinks the world owes him a living. He was 9 when I first met his Father and I was then a single parent with a son the same age as this boy and a daughter 2 years older. My children worked hard at school and I was proud of the way they did their homework and how polite and respectful they were. I mocved in with the boys Father after awhile and we got married. We then had a son of our own, I was 41 years old and found myself incharge of 4 children, living in a new house and having a new marriage whilst this boy was running between his Father and my Mother In Law making up tales about me and trying his very best to split us up. He actually told me that he was going to 'get rid of me' and that I should 'Pack my bags and get out of HIS house'......this from a boy who by then was only 10 years old.<br />
When his Father was out at work he would play tryant from school and think I was going to put up with him lazing around the house all day and not tell anyone. I would then get a Taxi and take him back to school and this made him very angry.<br />
He pushed and pushed until one day he decided he was going abck to live with his Mother ( who had 6 other children all with other Fathers), I think he thought my Husband would ask me to leave instead but his Father told him that he couldn't keep going from one parent to another and he must stay with his Mother permanently if he left us. My Mother in Law was telling everyone she could find that I was 'picking on' the boy which I certainly was not, I just wanted him to shape up and get on in life and not spoil the chances my other children were workign hard for by his constant bad behavoiur and attention seeking. He would sit watching Kick Boxing Videos all day long if he could and neither my Mother in Law or my Husband could see that his was obsessed with violence and it was not good for him.<br />
After a couple of months at his Mothers home he left there and went to live with my Mother In Law, all this time he was phoning and visiting us and making ups tories about me and generally manipulating any adult he could find to think I was a horrible person.<br />
At 14 he started shoplifting and taking drugs, my Mother In Laws partner almost had a nervous breakdown because of the boy living with them and his behaviour..he had turned his attentions to trying to split them up by then and actually accused the boyfriend of trying to sexually abuse him which was not true.<br />
He was in and out of Young Ofeenders for Shop Lifting, Burgulary and other offences and became a Heroin addict. He is now 31 years old and is STILL trying to split my husband and I up and if we spend time with him the whole converstaion has to be about him...sometimes for as much a 5 hours at a time when he will go over and over how 'hard done by' he is and what a rotten childhood he had. I think he should get a pair of balls and get on with his life. He drives me insane and I ahve had a couple of panic attcks when he is in the same room as he is so manipulative.<br />
I would actually leave the man I love before I would have this grown up son of his to ever live with us again.

It is apalling to me, how the boomer generation, created the now "ME" generation. We all as parents did it out of love and not wanting them to struggle and at times suffer......so they became so dependent and we became the co-dependents. I have been with my husband for 15 yrs. and I have to say we have a very unique bond and unconditional love and respect for each other. We laugh every day together, enjoy our alone time, he is 50 and I am 52. We have ..one thorn in our side, his SS. He is 32 with 2 children. Have never once taken our advice in matters that we have experience and does what ever he wants, then when it all falls apart, not only asks, but demands that we relsolve the issue and pay $ to get him out of what we had told him to stay away from.He is the most egostistical person I have even know and walkds around like he owns the place when he is at our house. This was never his chilhood home. He is rude, condesinding and truly believes he is the smartest person in any room. He really thinks people buy in to all his BS and it is just a horrible embarrasment to have him here when we have guest, He is a little man (5'2) and has that little man sydrome...and has to out top any discusssion we are having and tell how great he can do it, would do it, and will amaze people with it.........in reality, he was kicked out or the Coast Guard, always coming up with this get rich quick schemes. I honestly can barely look at him anymore with disgust. My husband is so honest, trustworthy and a truly wondeful man and he doesn't deserve to be told what a bad father he was or now what a horrible grandfather he is. My husband's health is not great, 2 weeks ago they put a stent in the "widow maker" artery and said if I have not got him to the er, he would have had a massiveheart attack within the week. It was 99.9 blocked. I have expained to my SS that his father needs rest and calm....s0 what foes he do, bring the kids (5,8) over this weekend and wants us to watch them ALL weekend. He has never acknowledged that his father came so close to dying. He owes me $2100.00 from a car I sold him, in which I did not want to sell it to him, he wrecked it a week later and now claims he is not reponsible, that he car was a piece of crap (mint condition when I sold it to him -$100 a month No Interest for 36 months (kelley blue value at that time was 48000 in good condtion) He made a few payments here and there the stopped 2 yrs ago, no explantion. We held the title, lettiing him known, it was in his name but he had to pay before receiving the title. Recently be went to the deliership and told them he lost the title and then traded my car in for one he like (and now has big car paymnets......when I aked him when he would be givning us some money for the loan since he apparently had a good income tax refund............his exact reply...............nope, outta money, spent it all on my kids with a deff deserved vacation (yeah 5 days and night at a beach resort condo and 4 walt disney parks...took his mother (my husband's ex) and he also got a new laptop and some professional pic done. I could NEVER do that knowing I owe someone money. What a piece of garbage he is............ I just wish he would MOVE as far from us as possible and my husband should back me more since he is the one that talked me into selling it to that bum, IT IS NOT about the money, it is about the total disrespect he has shown me from day on. Now he tells me I am only hurting his kids by not watching them for free all week for them.<br />
I guess I just want someone to reasure me that It is not ME but him. I try so hard for mu husband sake and polite but I DON'T THING i can do that anymore, Any adive, opinion or just a comment would be great now..thanks

I also have a SS who is 32 with three children and a wife. OMG where do I begin...I have been with my husband for 27 years. Life was good when his son was young. But when he became a teenager he started abusing drugs and getting into trouble. His whole life since then has been bailing him out of whatever mess he gets in. The cycle never ends and I am so frustrated that my husband will not stop giving in. At present he works for us and has not come to work in 2 months, after the birth of another child that was not planned. He has for years made by husband feel bad that we ruined his life. We pay all his bills for he and his family (house, elec, phone, cable, car insurance, medical, childrens expenses). While the money he makes from coming to work (which he has very poor attendance) is used for whatever they want to spend for themselves. I also have two more children with my husband who are treated very differently. I am so sick of the double standard, my husband can say ugly things to our children, but you have to walk on egg shells around his son. Please talk to me I am so miserable so much more to say but can't write all of it.

You two need counseling. It is not right that your children are treated differently while this adult is enabled. I am not sure why people get stuck in thse behaviors but your husband needs a wake up call before he loses you and if he doesn't care then it is time to move on. It is hard but it may be the only solution.

I must tell you that my heart is crying for you right now. I am in almost the same boat right now. My husband sounds like yours,always feeling guilt about his other children's childhoods, because their mother was an alcoholic. My stepson is 24, never graduated, and although he has had three opportunities to get his Ged, never did. He has adhd also, and has been in jail 3 times. Now he is living with us, saying he is getting back on his feet. He is working at my husband's own business temporarily, although this is wearing thin. All my husband does is take up for him and I'm getting sick of it. I have two beautiful, intelligent daughters and feel that he is a bad influence Tonight my husband and I got in an argument regarding him, and my daughters and I are sleeping in our RV in the back yard. I honestly don't feel like I can go on much longer. I feel that I am expected to put up with more than anybody should. After reading your post, I was shocked to see how many other women are in the same boat. Well, I'm about to say prayers and go to bed. I will say an extra prayer for all of the others who have posted as well. Thank you for your post. Best of luck to all of you.

Thanks for your prayers! Since my original post, there are so many responses to this story that I almost feel I wish there were a support group somewhere where I could meet all of you :) Update: My stepson is now 28 years old. He was 10 when my husband &amp; I met. He does not live with us and it is a rare occasion that he will come to our home on holidays. I don't talk to him at all and occasionally my husband will speak of him either to tell me of a problem he has at work, or his latest achievement in putting together a car. I could care less and have learned to keep my mouth shut when my husband speaks of him. What I find extremely sad though is this kid's apathy toward his father. My husband was recently diagnosed with a health condition that prevents hijm from doing things in the yard that he loves. We are working on a patio and my husband actually gave his son a car in return for his help in the yard. His son showed up ONCE and did nothing to help. My husband has not held him to his promise to help and when I bring it up, there is instant hostility between us. Last night, my sister invited us to her home for dinner and my stepson was there. He cannot come to our home to visit with my husband for any reason -- not even his father's birthday, but can go to my sisters house. Now, I have to mention that my sister has been another problem with my relationship with my stepson. She feels sorry for him, and has befriended him, despite what I tell her about him. So, needless to say, dinner was very uncomfortable for me. My husband seemed thrilled to see his son. Pathetic that he will accept any crumb this kid throws his way. I could go on forever but I am glad there is this forum. What is really sad is that these kids obviously need help and their parents (our spouses) are enablers to really bad dysfunctional behavior. I have accepted that tihs is the one and ONLY part of my marriage that really sucks and will probably never change. THoughts?

Hello, to all. I feel all ya'll pain. I have lived the same miserable life you all have.
To (fedup12). My blood sister have done the same to me. Then she said she thought we had a close relationship. LOL
I have gone through this life 21 years of hell. I started raising this boy since he was 2 years 9 months. He is now 24. He has been to juvi, jail, and prison. In dads eyes I was always the liar. SS never did nothing wrong, dad always believed him in EVERYTHING. EVERY time I confronted my husband it was a huge argument. He would not believe our children nor me. Everything I told my husband about his son was true, husband never believed me. SS went into a coma due to overdose. I was devistated cause my husband couldn't except his was wrong and I was right all along.
SS fake heart pain all the time cause dad would believe him. Till one day I said this is it. Your son or the three kids and me. (Son 20), (Daughter 19), (Son 15). My husband never, never, never believed us. He finally told him he couldn't live here no longer. SS lies continued. Then I was told my 20 yr old was using drugs. Told husband maybe his son provided it to him. Another huge argument. My husband always said I just hated his son. That to me SS was always the bad guy.
I had always told my son that if he has problems with drugs he can go to rehab or get his own place, cause drugs will NOT be aloud in my home. Till one day I cleaned his room and found that he is using drugs. I told him he had no choice he will be going to rehab cause I love him so much, I can not see him go to waste and be no good for society.
When I made the turn to take him to rehab, my son jumped out the truck, my husband chasing him down the main street, my son crossed the street and by a little ALMOST got ran over. Finally my husband tackled him down. MY son started crying to me saying that SS was the one providing it to him. Husband immediately said LIAR. After all the cumosion, my son left with my nephew, then he was picked up by someone one else. He has not answered any of my phone calls tell this day. I told my husband I DO NOT want to see his son around our home anymore.
Next day he picked up his son to go to work and let him have. He told his son he continue to work for him but does not want him around our home.
This is just a bit of my story. I am hurting to know that my son is not home. I know that one day they will marry and move on. But I know at least that way they are in a good relationship. Not wasted cause of some idiot who chooses to live their life different. I am not the cause to SS parents breakup.
One man said once a crock always a crock.

Please pray with me that our God will put his angels to camp over my son to guide him and protect him.
I am so devista

When my partner had open heart surgery, his stepson never answered my phone calls because he only saw his stepfather as someone to use for money. This too was forgiven. As they say-"none are so blind as he who refuses to see".

I must tell you that my heart is crying for you right now. I am in almost the same boat right now. My husband sounds like yours,always feeling guilt about his other children's childhoods, because their mother was an alcoholic. My stepson is 24, never graduated, and although he has had three opportunities to get his Ged, never did. He has adhd also, and has been in jail 3 times. Now he is living with us, saying he is getting back on his feet. He is working at my husband's own business temporarily, although this is wearing thin. All my husband does is take up for him and I'm getting sick of it. I have two beautiful, intelligent daughters and feel that he is a bad influence Tonight my husband and I got in an argument regarding him, and my daughters and I are sleeping in our RV in the back yard. I honestly don't feel like I can go on much longer. I feel that I am expected to put up with more than anybody should. After reading your post, I was shocked to see how many other women are in the same boat. Well, I'm about to say prayers and go to bed. I will say an extra prayer for all of the others who have posted as well. Thank you for your post. Best of luck to all of you.

I must tell you that my heart is crying for you right now. I am in almost the same boat right now. My husband sounds like yours,always feeling guilt about his other children's childhoods, because their mother was an alcoholic. My stepson is 24, never graduated, and although he has had three opportunities to get his Ged, never did. He has adhd also, and has been in jail 3 times. Now he is living with us, saying he is getting back on his feet. He is working at my husband's own business temporarily, although this is wearing thin. All my husband does is take up for him and I'm getting sick of it. I have two beautiful, intelligent daughters and feel that he is a bad influence Tonight my husband and I got in an argument regarding him, and my daughters and I are sleeping in our RV in the back yard. I honestly don't feel like I can go on much longer. I feel that I am expected to put up with more than anybody should. After reading your post, I was shocked to see how many other women are in the same boat. Well, I'm about to say prayers and go to bed. I will say an extra prayer for all of the others who have posted as well. Thank you for your post. Best of luck to all of you.

Omg reading all this, I feel like I'm not crazy or possessive like they said to me, I have being with my boyfriend for two years, his son is 31 years old, married and 2 kids. He can't be without hangout with his dad he even told me "go and find your own friends that way I can spend the weekends with my dad" I ask myself what I supposed to do? I broke up with my boyfriend? Because my boyfriend call him "the kid" the kid? Give me a break he is married adult brat! why he is not having good times with his wife and two little boys? I'm just tired of this! I have a daughter she is 18 and she is independent young lady!

Thank you all for your shares. My wife and I have been married for 10 years and my SS is 19. My SS is making little improvements everyday but tends to back slide. I believe that I tend to focus on the negative things he is doing rather than the positive that he is attempting. I made the mistake of telling them both how I feel which may drive my wife to become overly protective of him. She struggles with being an enabler for his negative behaviors. I just want him to grow up and start doing things for himself. He often gets terminated from jobs and recently had some trouble with the law. I have resentment towards him because I feel like all the hard work we do is sabotaged because we always are having to bail him out of the situations he gets himself into. He doesn't want to talk to me anymore because I basically told him as far as I'm concerned he is a house guest. My wife thinks that I'm crazy that I could be so cold. I never intended to hurt either of them but now I stepped in it. I really wish I would have talked to my wife about my feelings before the resentment got so bad.

I am surprised to find that I am not alone. My husband of 5 years enables his children ( all over 30) way too much & they are so codependent ( not alcohol wise) just a sick financial & other dependence. I tell it like it is & my children accept that, but his say I am harsh. They are manipulative & disrespectful of their dad when they din't get handouts. I've never experienced such distinction & thank you for allowing me to vent.

Thank God, I found this page because it confirms that I'm not the only one living with this problem. In January of this year (2012) my husband helps his 18 year old son get his first car. Within 2 weeks the the car was totalled!!!!! My husband immediately decided that it was time to move his son from Lynchburg, VA to where we live in Portsmouth, VA. I was told that the SS would be living with my mother in law and I asked by husband SEVERAL times if that was what was going to happen. 12 hours before my husband left to go to Lynchburg to pick up his son, he decides to tell me that he has decided that his son is moving in with us!!!!!!!!! I nearly had a nervous breakdown on the spot. It been almost 2 months now. This 18 year old weighs 300 pounds, works nights as a stocker at Walmart, has no car, no friends, no social skills, and is so lazy it absolutely drives my through a wall. I have cried, prayed and begged God to work a miracle. I have tried to talk to my husband and he just doesn't get it. I work 40 hours a week and have a 90 commute to and from, but I have to pick the SS up every morning at 7 am and then go to work. The SS does NOTHING in the house. My husband does everything for him short of cleaning his butt when he goes to the bathroom. So since my husband gets hom 2 1/2 hours before I do at night, I've stopped cooking dinner, and I feel like that in all the years we've been together, my husband has never done 1 piece of laundry, but now that his son is here, he does all of his, so therefore he can do his own as well. My days are 12 hours minimum everyday. I also have been taking care of my father who had cancer surgery in Oct last year. So recently I've been speng quite a few nights at his house just to get away from home. My house is not home anymore. My husband won't listen to anything I have to say. I've really tried my best now to say the kind of things that you can't take back, and I've really asked God to give me the right words to say, but my husband is so happy to have his son here that he just gets mad at me. I'm at my wits end and ready to move back home with my father. I foresee that this child will be living in my house until he's at least 30. No ambition, no home training, eats everything he can get his hands on and does nothing to help around the house. He's home alone all day, why can't he pick up the vacuum or empty the dishwasher. Is that too much to ask???????

Im reading your comments and i can really relate. I have a step son from hell he is a 25yr old worthless bum he refuse to work sells drugs get drunk every day i cant stand him i tried to deal with him let him stay with us and tolerate him because each time he get out of jail he lies and tell me and his dad that he's going to get a job. he never does and we wind right back up in this same situation. His father act like he don't want to say anything. we just had a really big falling out on christmas day about something horrible his 25yr old bum son did. so he told him he had to leave. I think my husband he mad about him leaving but he's pretending not to be at this point i dont care his son can never again step foot in a house that i occupy if my husband have a problem with it then he can move out and rent a apartment to house his 25yr old looser *** son. this situation has gotten me to the point where i just want to say to hell with the marriage and not have to see neither of them again because im tired of the same problem repeating itself time after time. i mean this person is no good and he thinks his father owe him something that there problem im not dealing with it anymore for all of the step moms with step children from hell that are over the age of 18 tell your husbands to either honor the marriage if they wont divorce them because knowone deserves to be mistreated or disrespected by there spouses children.

Im reading your comments and i can really relate. I have a step son from hell he is a 25yr old worthless bum he refuse to work sells drugs get drunk every day i cant stand him i tried to deal with him let him stay with us and tolerate him because each time he get out of jail he lies and tell me and his dad that he's going to get a job. he never does and we wind right back up in this same situation. His father act like he don't want to say anything. we just had a really big falling out on christmas day about something horrible his 25yr old bum son did. so he told him he had to leave. I think my husband he mad about him leaving but he's pretending not to be at this point i dont care his son can never again step foot in a house that i occupy if my husband have a problem with it then he can move out and rent a apartment to house his 25yr old looser *** son. this situation has gotten me to the point where i just want to say to hell with the marriage and not have to see neither of them again because im tired of the same problem repeating itself time after time. i mean this person is no good and he thinks his father owe him something that there problem im not dealing with it anymore for all of the step moms with step children from hell that are over the age of 18 tell your husbands to either honor the marriage if they wont divorce them because knowone deserves to be mistreated or disrespected by there spouses children.

OK must chime in... 6 months of nursing my boyfriend through multiple health issues, hardcore construction on his parents broke down house that we share [drywall, rebuilding 25% of the building, removing moldy plaster - insulation and bags and bags of trash] and his children are compalining about my attitude towards them. They have posted facebook status saying they hate their Dad and wonmt have a relationship with him until he gets rid of me who they hear have dione every guy in the bar. I have been warned to watch my tone in front of the eldest daughter or she will knock me out [she's 22, moved in with us and does NOTHING to help - not evn picking up after herself]. and NOW his eldest son has told me he wants to spit in my face and called me a bad name by text. The daughter called me a useless ******* ***** who is driving a wedge between him and his kids. Every time I lose patience and faith he says - you see this is why my kids hate you, this is the side they see. It's all my fault. they see 3% of our time when he is stressed and I am stressed feeling like they could attack me at any moment and I have no right to defend myself against the onslaught he doesn't see even when he's in the same room. I have to get out of this.... they will never support our relationship and without their approval i am just a passing household servant for him. He told me he will never make our relationship official [engagement, real commitment from him] if they don't approve but he does nothing to correct them when they abuse or criticize me. all i ask is that he tell them that i take care of him, make his life better and he loves me so they should treat me with kingness and respect but that's not happening. Game, set, match they win... they can have him and he can go back to let the garbage pile up, dirty sheets and the rut he has become so comfortable in before i arrived. He has become a comfortable victim of their taking taking taking and i an overlooked and unappreciated... so much for true love.

sorry 'bout the typos... venting!

Wow, sounds like my life. I live with my boyfriend and his two adult kids. They do absolutely nothing to help, always get their way and of course "they can do no wrong" in the eyes of their father. They don't clean-up after themselves, they don't contribute to the household and they could care less about my well being. If I do ask them to help, I get such an attitude. It's amazing that he lets them act this way. Seriuosly, these adult kids need to move on with their life or at least help support the household. I'm at my wits end with it and I fear that it's going to create a serious problem if things don't change soon.

I know how you all feel. I have a 27 y/o stepson that in my wife's eyes can do no wrong. He is totally dysfunctional and cannot keep a relationship or roommate for more than 6 months at a time. Of course, then it's time to move back home because it's free here and he needs to save money for the next place he will move into. Then when he moves out he comes to our house every week to do his laundry for free and hang out all day playing video games and cursing at the game so loud that the neighbors can hear him and complain. This is all going on while the 17 y/o daughter and 12 y/o son we have together are around. I can't offer any criticism whether constructive or otherwise without reaping the wrath of my wifewho fights for him tooth and nail against me because, well, I just don't like him. Of course I don't like him, who the hell would? I've supported him financially since he was 7 y/o, shouldn't I have some say in the matter? I told him today that all I ever wanted for him was to grow up and be a respectable and responsible member of society. I explained that all he ever does is look for the easy way out of everything. I told him that if he truly wants his mother to be happy ten he needs to stop using her to get his way all the time. So how does he respond? He tells me I'm delusional. I told him he is a disrespectful *** and will not be allowed to step foot back in my house until he changes. In all likelihood it will probably lead to a divorce from my wife of 18 years.

I can relate to all of your stories. I have been with my husband for 18 years. He had 3 children, 2 girls and 1 boy, and I had 1 daughter when we got together. We then had a son together. The stepson came to live with us in January 2011 and its been constant fighting for my husband and I ever since. The stepson who just turned 18 dropped out of jr. high, does drugs daily, drinks every day, doesnt work, doesnt life a finger to clean up after himself, has thrashed part of my house, is expecting a kid and just got married. He continues to cuss at me, fights with my son who is 16 and it's getting so bad that they are on the verge of fist fighting, (and he already swung at my son before), because my son doesn't tolerate his step brother talking about me the way he does. My husband gets mad at me when bring something up about the situation. He says he talks to him bout obviuously his son doesn't give a damn about what his dad says. And then my husband has the nerve to say he can't live like this, maybe my husband should tell his son to shape up or get out, but all he does is get mad at me for the situation and then we don't talk for weeks , while him and his son act like nothing is wrong. We as husband and wife would never tolerate our girls to act like this or be disrespectful like him and all 3 of them turned out great, so I dont know what happened with his son. Well I am in the process of finding a house for my son and I. If my husband wants to let his loser son control him and destroy our marriage then maybe they are meant for each other. Its just sad that my husband is willing to sacrafice his 16 year old son who has been in his life constantly, for a son that doesn't respect my husband or his family. I blame my husband for this mess because he should of put his foot down the first time his son started calling me and our 16 year old a stupid ***** and saying he hated us. I cant stand him now

I think I also have the stepson from HEll. He is so disrespectful to me. He is 17 now and thinks he runs everything. He calls me dude, comes in and out when he feels like it, eats everything I cook with nothing as much as a thank you . He will call me a Bitc. .or stupid when he is on drugs. He has admited to selling drugs , skips school. But of course little prince has his own car that daddy pays for. Meanwhile I have daughters his age and would NEVER allow them to talk to our dog like he does to me. His father does NOTHING. says NOTHING. Its like he is afraid of him. I will get upset and cry and my hubby will just blame me for " upsetting and starting it" with his son. <br />
I wanna send this kid off to the military so bad where he has to actually listen to someone. I pray everyday that he gets pulled over with drugs in his car so Daddy can't bail him out anymore and takes it serious. This kid is a walking ticking time bomb. Everyday I wanna leave but stupid me stays.

I am so sorry for posting so late to your post, but I do know how you feel dealing with problematic stepchildren. After a nasty divorce from my 1st husband, I was truly blessed to have met my 2nd husband. We used to work together and we just had this chemistry that I just knew we were going to be together. He was not going to let me slip away from him. There is a 27 year difference in our age. Many people did not approve of our relationship because they thought I was going to be used and taken advantage of by him, and he is nothing like the way people described him to be. He is an amzing man and we will be married 3 years this upcoming July. My husband has a child who is 8 years older than me, and she started off pretending that she liked me. I started noticing how she would act fake and two-faced towards me whenever her friends would come around. My husband and I had a child together, who will be 2 in September. She tried everything in her power to take over our child, and she would buy gifts and dictate to us when he should wear the clothes and calling asking us if he wore the clothes, and would get an attitude if we did not put the clothes on him that day. Then I find out she has been badmouthing me to my sister-in-law telling her she does not approve of my relationship with her father, and my sister-in-law told her it was none of her business and to stay out of it. She would talk to me like I was a child, and she started totally disrespecting me when she talked to me, and to add insult to injury, her 17 year old daughter started doing the same thing to me. It got to the point she is not allowed to step foot in my husband and I's home. I told him if he wants to see her, he can go to her house alone, that I or my baby will not go out there. She call herself checking me and her father because we refused to display her disrespectful daughter's photo in our home because she spent a lot of money on the pictures, and then the way she would talk to my son was ridiculous. My son picked up a pair of designer fr<x>ames she owns and she takes the glasses from him saying "don't grab these glasses these are D&G's!" And on another occasion, my son was messing with her hair and she tells him"no, no don't grab my hair I'm the only one in the family with good hair and everyone else has nappy hair, don't pull my hair." She gets jealous whenever my husband does something for me and my child. His daughtet is over 30, he is not going to buy things for her when he has a 2 year old with needs more important than hers. I cannot stand my stepdaughter or my stepgranddaughter. You do not have to put up withhis children treating you in that manner. You deserve better.

wow..this sounds familiar...my husband thinks his 27 year old daughter can do no wrong..she does not pay her bills..has 2 very young daughters that pretty much have to take care of themselves while she sleeps..she does work 3rd shift but that was by her own choice of schedule...heaven forbid if someone mentions her cleaning house...she has even stated that she wants to break us up...on the other hand my 18 year old daughter lived with us for several years and moved to another state when she turned 18 because she was tired of the constant criticism from my husband and all the drama his daughter creates...he says horrible things about her but i can't say anything about his daughter without him going on a rampage against me...

My stepson has who is 33 years old have moved back in with us several times in my husband and my marriage, this time now with yet another girlfriend and her 2 year old. He has never paid rent our contributed financially in any way. Actually yesterday the girlfriend moved out after she got sick and tired of him drinking and taking Xanax everyday. I of course got the blame for it. I actually called his biological mom after the girlfriend left to see if she had heard from him (I was worried about him) and she blamed me for making them feel unwanted which according to her is why the girlfriend left. She said that I did more for my younger son (21) which is not at all true. She began to name off all the things I have done for one and not the other, helping him get a loan (not true) helping him go to school (also not true) I then told her that Jonathon pays his bills, goes to work everyday, buys his own tools for his job as an AC tech/installer. Which by the way is a new job since he lost his other job working in our AC business when the stepson came back. My son, Jonathon is planning to move out in January when he has saved enough money for a down payment on a house. My stepson on the other hand makes 1000.00 plus a week drives a truck his dad bought 3 weeks ago when he got here because he has basically totaled his. (The same one we made 90% of the payments on) The ex called my husband after talking to me and threw a fit with him about how horrible I treat their son and he didn’t defend me because according to him it would only make things worse!!! Jonathon (my 21 year old) has become a very responsible young man over the past year and I am so very proud of him. My husband has told me that he does not want to hear about all the great things he is doing anymore that it just draws attention to his sons failures. He says that if I am so proud of him that I need to tell someone besides him. I am at my wits end and ready to file for divorce if things don’t change soon. Any advice?

I can't belive it has been 2 years since I posted this and I still get replies. It is amazing because the problem is so widespread and we the stepmoms appear to be so isolated. To csteed69 I am a bit concerned in that your stepson appears to be very troubled and acts out in violent ways. My stepson was never violent (threatening suicide, spraying clorox, etc) but more or less just manipulative. I can honestly say that ist is a miracle I am not divorced because of this brat. btw he is now 25 years old, lives on his own and cannot keep a relationship with a girlfriend. They always end due to "she was not happy", or "she was a *****", etc. etc. but truthfully I don't think he knows how to function in a normal relationship. Also sorry to say that I don't think I'll ever be rid of him no matter how old he gets. For example, we were in London a few weeks back and he calls my husband to ask for his credit card number so he could bring his cat to the vet. Mind you, he does not have a credit card of his own because his credit stinks cuz he never pays his bills. An endless circle. My husband & I argued for hours over the phone call because I felt he should not give his son his credit card number. sigh.....I have to say that for the most part, he is not in my face and I can deal with only hearing his name once in a while, but unfortunately it is reality that he IS part of my live so long as I am married to his father.. Not sure if there is any consolation here but my advice is that if you are not "tied" to your man with another child, finances, etc. think long and hard about whether you can deal with a lifetime of this disfunction because unless your husband sees it as an issue, it won't end.

I just stumbled upon this site and felt the need to vent as well. I can so feel your pain. <br />
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My husband and I have been married for 2 years and living together for 8. I have no children by choice. He had 2 children. A daughter who died in a car accident as a young adult and his son, who is now 18. This child has been a constant sore spot in our relationship. When we first starting living together he would call and leave messages on my husbands phone demanding that he move back home. Holidays I always spent at least half the day alone while he went and spent them with his son. God forbid that the child come to our house, he lives 10 minutes away. This only stopped the last couple of years after numerous arguments. <br />
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He has continually done unexcuseable things that my husband just overlooks. Spraying clorox all over the school resulting in my husband paying for damages. One night while throwing a fit (age 16 at the time) decided he wasn't getting enough attention and threatened suicide. Out the door my husband went not to return for 4 hours. He couldn't understand why I was so upset, said that it has nothing to do with me. I recommended that the child be admitted but of course this would never happen, no action was taken. He has been in trouble with the law; reckless driving at the age of 17 and taking guns to school. Both my husband and his ex wife couldn't grasp the seriousness of this and fought like hell to keep him from getting expelled permanently. He was allowed back to school and graduated with his class. They have coddled him his whole life, the real world will bit him in his *** one of these days and I will sit back quietly and laugh.<br />
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It's just one thing after another with this child and I'm at a loss. I detest him! He is disrespectful, lazy and only interested in whats good for him and what he is going to get out of a situation. My husband always sides with his child and I have no right to any opinion with regards to him. <br />
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I'm ready to file for divorce because I can't live like this any longer.

I am in the same boat as you and after this weekend I am beyond advice. I feel for you, I really do. My anger is so deep now that I can not even find words for it. Good luck to you. ((hugs))

Greattt, my husband sounds the same as yours. No matter what, we're the ones who are to blame (NOT)..I am sick of this too. I've been married with my husband for 16 years raised his step since he was 3 he is now 19. He doesn't make him lift a finger and lets SS use my husbands car everyday instead of taking the free in town bus or walk the 10 min walk!! He has no bills because my husband won't make him get his own car ins or cell phone bill or his own PO box. I GOT SS his job at ACE, If it weren't for me he would still be laying around the house. Now my husband and I aren't talking again because of SS! I'm sick and tired of it, I work 40 hours a week and try to take ccaare of my 10 year old that Husband and i have together. I just wrote my husband a letter and said I'm not doing anyting around the house outside or in anymore!!!!!!! So, he's doing it. I never knew how far he would go to keep his son at home. I really don't think he wants him to move out and start his own life, I really don't at this point. Whenever I mention anything like he should save his money or maybe he should look for a roommate my husband just says don't worry it will happen soon enough you'll get your wish. What an idiot! SICK OF IT