Adult Stepson Making Our Marriage Miserable
My husband & I have been married for 12 years. When I met him, he told me he had 2 children from a previous marriage -- one boy who was 10 at the time & one girl who was 8. Their mother was (& still is) uninvolved in their lives & was negligient in their care. They lived with her in another state. My husband is a recovering alcoholic who missed alot of their formative years drunk. Fast forward 12 years later & MANY MANY stories, arguments and problems with our new blended family. My husband & I have one child together who is now 7.
My stepson is worthless & 23. He is employed (a job my husband got for him) making $45k a year & paying $600/month rent. List of his issues since I've known him -- He is constantly struggling with losing his license or his job, making excuses for all of his problems. Single, in debt, does not pay his bills, dishonarable discharge from the Air Force, dyslexic, ADHD, issues with his mother & her neglect, disrespectful towards me, problems in school not doing homework, not wanting to do chores, not participting in holidays because he doesn't like them., etc. etc. etc. The list is endless but these are just a few "issues" that come to mind.
Him & I do not get along at all -- never have, never will. REason ? While he lived with his mother she treated him as an equal, & confidante. When he had to live with us because his mother abandoned him, he never accpeted me as a parent or his father's wife. He argued with me, did not listen, challenged everything I told him. His father did not consistently back me & is plagued with guilt over his own neglect when he was drinking. As such, his son nor daughter can do no wrong. They walk all over their father & do not help him at all -- neither of them live with us now. The son has no relationship with his half-sister (my daughter) and is rude to her when he is aroudn her.
When we do have family events, such as Father's Day, it is tense & miserable to be in the same room with his son. There is almost always a battle between him & I which ruins the day. Today was no exception. We took my husband out to breakfast & apparently my husband, stepdaughter & stepson all knew that my stepson had no money & my stepdaughter was paying for him. They did NOT communicate that to me though in fear of me getting angry over the fact that he did not bring any money nor gift for my husband. When the check came, I asked my stepson & stepdaughter if we could split it 3 ways. My stepson did not immediately answer so I asked again. Both my stepson & stepdaughter heard me ask. My stepson replied yes, sure. HOwever, my stepdaughter only handed me her money & I gave her change, expecting my stepson to pay his portion. When I handed her change, she then said that she was paying for her brother. I asked my stepson why he was not paying & he became rude & said he was broke. I then replied I thought it pathetic since it was Father's Day. My husband begain glaring at me immediately & my stepson abruptly excused himself.
Now I'm being blamed for "ruining" anothe rFather's Day & to be honest, I am so sick of this. Why does my husband continue to feel that their behaviour towards him is okay, when it is so obvious they treat him poorly? Why did they lie to me about my stepson not having money? Does a fear of me being upset excuse collaborating & lying to me & then blaming me for ruining the day?
I'm ready to separate from my husband over his lack of support for me & his drivign guilt that steers his relationship with his children. Most unattractive of all is the lack of his own self-worth to allow himself to be treated so poorly. I am most sick of being blamed for every battle with his stepson. SHouldn't my husband be supporting me & addressing his son's lack of respect for me?
I truly dislike his son & belive me if I had a crystal ball when I had met my husband & this kid I would have RAN like crazy in the other direction.
So what now? Do I do counseling first? I doubt my husband would even come? We've tried this befoer & the counselor suggested I try to focus on one quality his son has instead of the negative ones. Didn't work -- too many negatives . We are like oil & water because this kid is always given a break or is allowed to find ways to avoid responsiblity for his actions. Its my husbands fault too.