Manipulative Step Daughter
I have been in a relationship with a my partner for 9 years how. I have lived with him for six of those years. On and off it's been rocky due to the kids. I have a 12 y.o. son who is on the autism spectrum - high functioning. I've done a darn good job of getting him all the help and support he needs on my own with no support emotionally or physically from my partner. He has two children. One is 16 and the other is 20. The other one is a girl. In the beginning of our relationship, my partner made an effort to have the kids do things with me and ask me for help with schoolwork etc. However the very day I moved in and sat down to talk with my partner about how we should figure out how we'd all 'work' together under one roof - I was shot down with a very loud, "you are not allowed to tell my kids what to do or to ask them to do anything. Otherwise you can just move right back out of this house!" It was such a departure of what seemed to be his effort to blend the family prior to my moving in.
Of course if I were to forget and ask something as innocents as 'hey, could you open that door for me so I can put these heavy dishes away?' to a child standing between me and the cabinet...they would actually run from the room, find thier father, tell him I asked them do help with the 'chores' and dad would come running to again chastise me for asking them to do anything.
Every August there's an issue. it's like clockwork. one year the oldest wrote a letter to her father saying she and her brother didn't want to come to our house anymore because of me. And they didn't like that my son paid so much attention to their cat (who by the way has never been fed by either of them. really. I don't exaggerate. Even when we go on a vacation and the oldest is around, the neighbor has to come feed the cat.) Anyway - dad decides that I have to leave the house because his kids don't like me anymore. He then takes his son on a two week vacation to Wash. D.C. because son wanted to see the Declaration of Independence in person!!! So off they go. Dad returns and tells me that I can't leave and he'll talk to the kids.
Next summer comes and grandma visits. Grandma and Grandpa dislike children with disabilities. Think they are 'dirty.' To be honest...Dad is an ex Nazi. Really. German. Both he and his wife moved to the US just after the war. They are both nasy people. They live far away. But grandma visits once a year. So she shares eye rolling and dirty looks with her son, every time my son is around. This prompts another bout of 'you have to leave, this is not working.
He takes it back asks me to stay
Next summer. We go on road trip. myself, dad, his two kids. We're gone for two weeks. The entire trip I was the 4th wheel. Dad couldn't even take a walk with me without both of the kids hanging onhim and injecting what they wanted to do 'at the minute' and of course, he would do whatever they asked.
I could go on. It hasn't changed. I did get a load off my chest though last summer when this came about and I'd had it. I was waiting for Aug 2nd to come 'round and for him to 'kick me out.' It's always about my son.
His kids do not have to do anything at this house. NOTHING. They leave dishes in the sink, trash wherever they choose, lights on, slam doors when everyone is sleeping, and ask for the moon financially. Dad just says yes. Daughter calls from school cuz she wants a new camera...dad gives her his credit card and tells her to get whatever she needs. Son decides he wants yet another surf boad, so off they go that very minute to buy one! He just got a new bike. His second. He now wants a third. Dad is looking for one now. Son wants to go on a 10 day bike trip up the coast. Dad says, 'sounds great! when do you want to leave?" Oh, I forgot to tell you. Dad is not working right now and hasn't since December of 2008. : ) Kids don't seem to care...they just want what they want. Kid needs to go to surf camp this summer. One month was $2000. That's a mortgage payment. Dad doesn't care. He's exhausted his retirement due to alimony and child support - that was just reduced to nothing 0 thank god. But he's got nothing. Next thing to go will be the house equity.
He treats my child like I don't even know what. He rarely talks to him and when he does it's to say something mean or snide. My son ame to me one day and said, " I know he doesn't like me. I think he tries sometimes. Can we pelase not live here?
I have to say that I look around and I see opportunity for a better life if I could leave this city and move back to where I'm from. I think I stay because now I have a good job and since I don't pay to live here I have put the money away in savings and have saved quite a bit. well over six figures right now.
Daughter is here this week from college and she and her brother are really coming up with the nasty attitude toward me and the sweet as honey tude toward dad. I really don't know what to do. I am so sad sometimes but then grateful that we are not married. I wish I could find the nerve to move out of here and find happines somewhere else. My son is such a generous human being. It's such contract to my partners typical kid.
tomorrow is the 16 yos bday. I asked last week what we should do and was told that they'd get back to me. Well, I overheard them talking yesterday that they were going to spend the day at Disneyland and then the three of them would go out to a nice dinner on Wed. when I'm in class and my son is at his dads. I've decided not to say a word and will definitely not be participating in buying the boy a gift. All of this is so far removed from the way I was raised.
oh, and no..they've never spent one birthday in 9 years with my son. : ) not one. I've gone from giving them great gifts that they threw away or hid in closets and drawers, to gift cards, to less generous gift cards, to now nothing.
I think my partner has definitly been the instigator in how his children treat me. I think he's done the same damage with how my son in treated in this house. When his kids aren't around he's sullen and mopey and it's all about money worry...yet they bounce in and bam! he's a different guy..spending money like a drunken sailor. He took everyone out to dinner last night and I held back what I wanted to eat and drink and went for something reasonable on the menu. His daughter (who eats like a freakin bird) ordered an appetizer and a $17 entree of meatloaf and a drink. She ate 4 bites of the meatloaf and then had the nerve to order a dessert. I ordered a 10 dollar dish, no appetizer, no cocktail, an ice tea and no dessert.
I see this pattern, that I let my son and I be the victims, the house keepers, the pet feeder (my son feeds the cat every day and night) the lawn keepers, the grocery shoppers and buyers.
ugh. just writing this makes me feel sick.
Thsi is so not the life I thought I'd be living at 53.