My Single Life

        I guess my story is a little complicated, I have written and erased it many times finding it hard to express. At this moment in time I feel like I will always be without a mate. I am finding it hard to drop my guard, every other time I have dropped it  I have been betrayed. My ex-husband, I trusted blindly and that made the fall so much harder since I was not really expecting what he did to me. After him I never really let any one into my heart. Yes I had boyfriends but it seems like I spent most of those relationships trying to get away form them. I seem to have some type of psycho magnetism. They would do something to make me decide I was done there and they refused to let go. It seems like no matter how I try to keep drama out of my life, it just seems to find me. If they aren't  trying to force me to say I love you, they are fighting someone, or hurting themselves to get my attention. One rolled in an anthill the day I threw him out, another almost bled to death out in my back yard. I always started off a relationship letting the guy know that I would leave at the first sign of drama, but I guess they don't believe me. I don't know what is going on in this world. Every one wants to jump into "forever" right away. I want to get to know a person, see what they are really like before making a decision, but every time I try that , they are decided in a week that I am the "one". How am I supposed to trust that? How do you know the last three girls he met weren't also the "one"? 

     I tried having secret relationships, but they never stick to the plan. Well actually I only did  that once, and now I have a one year old baby girl, the only good thing that came of that. I can't lie and say I had no feeling for him, I did love him and maybe every time I hug my baby I still love him a little bit. But it doesn't matter does it, he is not here and I am doing what i always do, just going on with my life.

     I guess my life is like a car without brakes on a highway with no stops. I just go forward, I threw the rearview mirror out the window a long time ago. It takes talent to jump on this car and keep a grip. Now that I have the baby, it's that much harder, since I won't let just any guy near her. I wish I could stop sometimes and let someone in, but it's too hard. I don't think I know how anymore. If you are having a hard time understanding me, welcome to the club. If you understand it, well, clue me in.My single life

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Feb 8, 2010