Just Turned 40

~ I grew up wanting to be a wife & mother. That's all I wanted. While all my friends & classmates were talking about being singers, actors, firemen, & doctors.... All I wanted was to fall in love, get married & have a family of my own. Through all my struggles with depression, sexual abuse, bullying, & cruel pranks, that dream I worked hard to keep alive..... It was all for nothing though. I didn't get to fall in love, get married or have a family of my own. I'm 40 now & have been told by doctors that it would be extremely dangerous for me to even think about having a family of my own. With my diabetes, hypertension, & other ailments, it's just not a smart idea. I've come to grips with that for the most part. As I've learned in the last year or two that I really don't have the patience for being a mother. Children tend to drive me crazy. lol. Of course, it would probably be different if I'd had my own....... ~

~ So I had to give up that dream. I don't see myself falling in love & getting married either now as it's apparently more likely that I'd be hit by lightning, then getting married. What a depressing thought. lol. I mean, I stayed alive for nothing. I really should have ignored my mother & just done away with myself when I was 17 & truly believed I'd be better off dead. Now, I'm terrified of dying, so no matter how 'suicidal' I become I know in the back of my mind that I'll always be too chicken to actually go through with it. DAMN, it sucks to be me. ~
GentleTears GentleTears
36-40, F
8 Responses May 18, 2012

dont lose hope,,love will knock ur door soon :)

Keep the positive side , you have time to do things which married with children can only dream of :)

im kinda in the same situation, always just wanted to get married and have a family of my own, im nearly 40 and doesnt look like it gonna happen, feel like just giving up!!!!

I don't know about wife because that takes two so it's not just up to you, but you can be a mother. Many women have babies at 40 now. <br />
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It's expensive and it has risks but you can find another set of doctors that will help you have a baby, even without a man - if that's what you really want.

You never have to let go of your dreams! It is never too late to realize them. Please read my stories: "I Have Become Two People" and "How to Meet Your Perfect Dream Love". They may change your perspective on things.

Have you considered taking care of kids that are in state custody? There are a lot of them that need help and just to be treated like family. You have been through so much pain, this might even be a way to help heal yourself by helping those that need it. I have friends who have done this from time to time, one lady is in her late 70's, still taking in young teens as needed. Usually all of their expenses are paid by the state.

Hmm... Did I mention somewhere that my wife is in her forties. She's old enough to be one of my aunts. She has never married or found the 'one' until the day I started to pour my heart out to her. It was random. Her nick on the game chat was used by women, and she was older, both were enough for me to talk to her. Yet, we married. She found the love of her life. Whereas I'm still dealing with my loss, she's happy. I love her. :)<br />
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As for kids... define 'kid.' There are other ways to have children other than of your body. Would those half your age mind it if you helped them. The twenty+ group. I'm sure you can find something like a shelter for them or a soup kitchen. Volunteering is a good way to boost your mood. Talking to them probably result in some form of responsibility to/for those you like.. and since they are younger, they are your children.<br />
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The other way, is to get a pet or two. I prefer cats. Though a dog may be a better choice due to the fact it goes outside to excercise and that's another way to over come negative emotions. As for the dependancy issue... cats/dogs are totally trust worthy, always ready to forgive, often show affection when you're down.<br />
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Another way is become close friends with colleagues at your work... and act like a proper caring mother would of them. As in let them, in your mind, be your children.

i know the feeling of letting go of a dream like that n it sucks

Yes, there's something extremely hopeless about letting go of a dream. : ( Especially if like me, it was the only one you were able to keep alive. =((

i know that feeling also. how i deal with it is i just keep putting one foot in front of the other n keep moving forward