Is a word I somehow associate more with the 45rpm records from my youth than with my marital- or co-habitat status.
Of course I AM single; meaning that I live on my own. Alone.
Alone but not lonely. Not most of the time.
Strange thing is that I have felt more lonely the past few months than I did in the previous 49 and a half years.
I think a lot of that has to do with having 'met' -primarily- this one particular woman and secondary having gotten in touch with quite a few really wonderful and worthwhile people here at EP.
I never have much contact with people anymore in 'real' life. Just when I go out shopping. My mom who lives across from me. But that's it. No social calls, no social life. No friends here in Antwerp even, just because I don't get out anymore.
Having no real friends here has also to do with my person. I don't make friends that easy. Actually, that's not true. I make friends very easy, but I'm not your typical friend.
A lot of the time, being someone's friend means you all of a sudden have to obide all these unwritten laws. You have to meet regulary, you have to make social calls, like, staying in touch and stuff, attending barbecues, go ******* fishing, whatnot...
But that's not me. I don't need to make a roster which says who when to call and when who to see... I'll come and see you or call you when I feel like it. And when you don't see me, that doesn't mean I'm not thinking about you, or that I hold a grudge against you. Nope. It simply means that I'm good where I am and that I don't need company.
But back to being single. I like women. And women like me. And although I like sex -a whole lot- I'm not someone who's prime directive is to get inside a woman's panties -provided she wears some.
No. For me to actually want to have sex with a woman, I first need to know her better. Which usually happens fairly quickly, me knowing her. Which is one of the main reasons why I'm still single.
Too many women out there; the ones you meet at bars or social events, are either married, are single but too desperate, or are single and are looking for someone who fits their predetermined mold.
Since I don't like to break-up perfectly good marriages, the first category is out of the question. Desperate women are often too outspoken and pushy to start something with -especially with my fairly low tolerance for ballyhoo and razzle-dazzle.
The third category makes me uncomfortable, because you're being made to feel like a potential prize bull in some cattle owner's breeding scheme. Besides and on top of that, I don't fit in any mold anyway. Sure, I'm kneadable, but I have the tendency to spring back to my original form when the kneader is trying to make me fit in a square which isn't to my liking.
I've been in relationships, sure. Steady ones and flings. Most short lived. In my earlier days, short lived because of my drinking. Or simply because I was being smothered. You see, I need my space. I'll give any woman her space, as long as I get mine too...
So, that's where I am right now. My space. Except that there's no woman around to share some of that space.
For the moment...
A good thing that I have myself to talk to. And that I get along with myself as well. Keeps me sane, in a way. I am alone but never alone because I have myself as company. May sound crazy -and maybe it is- but it's like my alter ego keeps me on the right track. Like, living singular, but in a kind of multitude.
Maybe I'm the only person in the world who has multiple personality disorder but of whom the multiple personalities know and like one another...
Okay. Maybe I should hop over to the pharmacy and get that medication after all...