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Finding Balance

At age 44, I find myself single.  I say that with a bit of sadness only because when I got married I was sure that I was marrying for life. However, it is liberating to feel that I am no longer responsible for someone else's happiness or unhappiness (depending on how you look at it. )  In the beginning, I was attending every party and social gathering I was invited to.  Then I was out going to happy hour and out to dinner with my friends every other night.  It was exhausting living my life as a newly single woman.  I felt a new sense of duty to be more social and available to meet new people.  Naturally, I burned out.  I opted to stay at home for quite awhile.   When I re-emerged, I did it alone.  I was going out to dinner and doing things by myself. I'm not lacking for people to socialize with.  I just wanted to get out and do what I wanted when I wanted without having to consult with anyone. It was great for awhile but it got lonely.  Part of me thought that if I went out doing things and going places that I liked, maybe by chance I would meet someone doing the same.  One afternooon, I made an impuisive decision to join an online dating website.  I didn't think, I just did it.  I went on a few dates.  They were all nice gentlemen but all of them were on the fast track to find their soulmate.  I simply wanted to find someone to be a good friend and companion.  Realizing that I'm not ready for online dating I cancelled my account. When it comes to love, I have never found it when I made it my mission to look for it.  Love always managed to find me when I wasn't looking.  I know ultimately I want to be in another committed relationship. The thing is I'm not the type of person that likes to leave things to chance.  If there's something that I can do to make it work in my favor, I seek out a way to do it.   On the other hand, I don't want to rush or jump into any relationship just so I can be part of a couple.  So for now, I'm just taking a step back to see to how I can balance my life better as a single woman and mother.  . 
Mahal1023 Mahal1023 46-50, F 7 Responses Jul 26, 2011

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Cat1288 I couldn't agree with you more. That would the most amazing thing.

Is'nt better to find yourself and what you love about life and inspires you to be a better person and then the right person will there by your side enjoying the same things and loving life as well. That is a true soul mate ,worth waiting for...when your heart is truely open and full of love for life the "one" will find you when you weren't looking...

finding my self in the soon to be looking group, i feel awkward! I know I will want to rush the process, yet i think I am smart enough to know that won't work. We can make our selves believe anyone is the "one" if we are in a hurry. I hope I can, live life for the moment, not worry about that special someone.<br />
If she is out there we will eventually meet. If not, well i will be better off than the emotional anguish I am currently suffering through. If I never have relations with a woman again, I want it to be my choice not some self absorbed wife.

Monkey...EXACTLY!!!! You and I understand each other. Those are exactly my thoughts. :)

Thomas, I wouldn't call it having confidence in that I will find love again. I don't know what is in store for me and don't want to live my life feeling tortured. I want to live in the moment. I want to laugh and enjoy moments with my daughter and my friends without saying..this would be better if I had a partner to share it with. My daughter, my familly and friends fill my life with plenty of love. They are enough for me. I guess its a sense of peace and acceptance that I have arrived at.

I agree but can't we fast forward to meeting the "ONE" so that I don't have to go through anymore mental anguish??? Wishful thinking, huh??? lol!

A realistic approach....you can't control how it will happen...love and passion will come from nowhere and you won't have a choice but to accept it as fate...and relish it