How Am I Losing These Men? Help

Naïve confessions of a 26 year old

26 years of age, When most people have been in a committed relationship, or have found a possible love interest that’s marriage potential. I still haven’t been able to find someone willing to commit into a relationship with me. Pathetic yes, but I still don’t know any better. I suppose we should talk about my “relationship” history. Readers let’s begin. Let me open myself for CONSTRUCTIVE criticism so I can know what I’m doing wrong. So let’s start with me. Who am I? well.. I see myself as a very attractive, athletic, intelligent, driven individual. My issue doesn’t rest on my inability to attract the opposite sex, it’s the inability to establish a relationship out of that significant other that’s the problem. I have been on my own since I was 17. I always maintained legally a roof over my head, I put myself through college and obtained my bachelor’s degree in criminology, I’ve worked for the state, the county, and two mediocre jobs throughout college. So that’s not my issue :D. I recently moved to a new state, I don’t know anyone at just… just to live somewhere new. I am “lady-like” in public, I don’t expose to much of my body, I avoid the whole ‘attention seeker’ look, but at the same time I do get his attention. I am for PDA, but nothing excessive let’s keep that between us, not us and the on-lookers. So adventurous, self-sufficient, attractive, Got all that. So what’s my problem? I am not cocky just confident, so also not an issue.
So let’s look at my ‘relationship history’ I started late as you can see, 19
W.E. (Chris)
Met when I was 19 at a club. We went out to a couple of dates, walks on the beach, drive around town, grabbed a few bites to eat. I always was an open ear to his problems, and eventually we became intimate, about 3 months later. I always drove to him just to see him because he wasn’t able to drive the distance due to his mother needing him. One day, when I was in my dorm, I looked up low and behold he’s coming out of another girls dorm room. Him and I ended abruptly after that. He still called, tried to come over, tried to apologize and see me… WHY??!!!
J.H (Peanut Brittle) – I give weird nicknames 20-21
We also met on the dance floor. He was a sweeheart. And still is we talk here and there. We spoke on the phone non-stop, he took me to the movies, dinner, fishing, the whole 9 yards. He was the first person who suggested we get tested before becoming intimate. We waited about 6 months before we became intimate. We stayed together for around a year and a half. I took him to my family functions, brought him around my friends, I cooked, we played tennis together, and as always made myself emotionally and physically available. He NEVER introduced me to his family, and we were never an “official couple”. I moved (wanted to experience a new environment), so that ended us.
J.H . (Jase – same initials I know) we met when I was 25
An intellectual masterpiece. Immediately I was drawn to him for his intelligence. There was no one that challenged me more. He had a book collection, that weird enough made him even more  attractive to me. I'm a sucker for nerds.
We met because he was my friends roommate. We hung out a couple times at their/his house. We had some laughs and eventually we became intimate, a month after knowing each other. Eventually I stopped it, because I started feeling uncomfortable. This was a FWB relationship and I can not and don’t know how to handle these. He always ensured I was aware of what we weren’t. For example, telling me not to hug him, telling me to stop acting like a girlfriend, never coming over to my place i just went to his to see my girls and things would get s3xua!  and though I appreciated the fact that he didn’t lead me on and let me know what we were, it didn’t stop it from hurting any less. When we stopped being intimate he asked me why. I just stated I needed a break. A week later he found someone new. He drove her upstate to meet his family, took her to dinner, movies, meet his friends…. Unlike me. I suppose I’m good enough to bed but not quite good enough to be monogamous with.
ROB- (first one I don’t know a last name for )
I decided to move again, and yes I know the environment isn’t my issue it’s me but still… I like to move.
I decided to broaden my social networking and joined POF. We spoke for several weeks and went out on date # 1. A bar, we had a few laughs he invited me to his place, I declined. We went out on date # 2. Shared a few more laughs, fed each other ice cream. We went back to my place to watched movies, and eventually (unfortunately) we became intimate. No regrets, it was good. We met up the next day went another 2 rounds… and the following day, nothing. I text him he responded two days later and since he fell off the communication radar so did I. OUCH right?!!
B.S. ( Snuggles) 26
Him and I have been talking at the same time Rob and I have been talking. He’s very nice. We’ve gone out on several dates. He’s sweet. We went out and he introduced me to his cousin and her children. He calls when he says he will. He texts when he says he will. He will always call back the same day. We became intimate and well I don't know... In the past three weeks weve gone to the park, boat show, lunch, dinner, his place and around his town. Around my town and now- He responds late, I've invited him to my house and he doesn't come. He lives in Milwaukee and I live 40 minutes away. He went through my town for a 2 day out of town trip. I said stop by and visit, he said no. He called the next evening and said he was coming back and tired, I invited him again, he refused. But he let me know when he gets home safe and uses pet names too with me. But he was a lot more affectionate pre-coitus. I'm trying to remain aloof and blase but.... Whydo I feel like this too is damned. Should I just pullback completely. I dont want to give too much and get hurt.
Bleedingavalon Bleedingavalon
26-30, F
6 Responses Aug 16, 2012

Reading your story just made me say... wow (i've had very similar track record). It's an epidemic apparantly. I can't say what we are doing wrong, all I can say is hold your head up girl and do not settle for anything less than you deserve.

If you want to settle down, here's one way to go..... know your intended long enough to learn if he had a happy childhood, if his parents are still together and if he likes them both reasonably well. Learn these things long before you dive into bed with him. Because a person like that learned how to be happy in a couple and is not afraid to repeat the experience in his own life when he is ready to settle down. Happy Hunting. : )

I have to say, i don't think any of this is down to you. I know a few guys like this - trust me, you have to be happy with the way you are and I wouldnt change just to be able to keep a guy. If they arent happy, let them go and move on. You will find someone who will love you for who you are, I wish you luck in the future.

I'm sorry about your troubles. I've had similar relationship problems and can empathize with you on many points (I've had a ROB in my life as well). The only advice I can give is to always communicate your feelings and goals honestly and upfront (I'm pretty sure you do already from what I've read here). I'm not saying to be pushy, but always ask questions to make sure the air is clear and that you both have similar goals in your relationship. It lets you know what's going on in his mind and lets you decide if you both want to go forward in the relationship. Hopefully you'll get a truthful and honest answer from him, but no guarantees there.

Thanks, Ive been mulling over how to have the conversation

Try and make it light. Talk while walking through a store, or early lunch. Don't tell him "We need to have a talk." that usually scares people and puts them on the defense. You need an honest answer. Try and slide in a question about a goal that you're trying to achieve and listen to his response. Example: Ask about possible vacation spots you both might want to go to some day. Maybe 5 years in the future you want to go to X location and check out local culture? Check his reaction and listen to how he responds. Does he include you in this future vacation? This is just one example out of many on how to start such a conversation and I'm trying to keep it general. It should eventually end up as a deeper conversation about what feelings and goals you have in common and whether or not you see each other in said long term goals.

Okay... I'll try that. It's been 3 weeks so ill give it two more and then break

Couldn't tell you. I'm 28, had a few girlfriends, got stalked by one for over a year, still don't have a solid relationship. So, you're not the only one, I assure you.

Well this BS snuggles..Sounds like he is full of ****, either a serial phone dater and avoids intimacy and trys to maintain a relationship on the phone? ( how ar does he live from you?) or I believe he leads a double life..married, girlfriend, whatever your just there for sex. you dont go out do anything and when you do its rare, change your number lose this guy he is playing you and hiding something, you have some bad luck dating..but just because you have dated and it didn't work out doesnt mean to stop doing it..trial and error...we learn...we move find a pair of good fitting shoes..I know there are some people couples you know that met and got married right away and are living the dream...would you have rather ended up married to any of these guys? looking back? so your doing the right thing, Hey, I am the same boat, I am not willing to settle till I know she is perfect for me to settle down with, not just settle. I would rather be alone. Don't give up

Am i becoming intimate too soon, am i being too "girlfriend" like. I mean there has to be smomething im doing to keep getting these same results. Either B.S. will be like peanut brittle and well be together with no commitment or he'll fade like rob.