Hide Out

The attic makes me feel free
Nobody judges me here
I can lie to myself as much as I can
And enjoy it



Once I was abandoned a long time ago. I wish I could cry. I didn’t feel much. Like it wasn’t me anymore. Something snapped and I migrated. Next everything just stopped around me. Froze - like breath on the window in search for you to arrive. You didn’t and it was too late. I had no place to go. I had run away. You will never find me.

I packed my things. Little childish treasures. Piece of colorful glass - you can watch sun through it. “Come on Ben” – my broken bear with one eye and pocket knife. I left for the first time leaving the door wide open behind me.


***..*** I won’t miss your hand on my face before falling asleep. I don’t need you. You don’t have to call me for supper or lift me up in your arms. I won’t come.

Attic at my grandma’s place where you left me became my island. I swallow myself there and never come back. I used to sit on the unfinished wooden floor side by side the small triangle window and watched. I have everything here and I love it.

Hours spent looking at the small piece of road with no traffic at all.

One day Beatrice came to feed her cat. She brought me milk and the taste of love. I drank it all. I was so thirsty. I knew from that moment I would wait for more.

The wind taught me a song. A very happy one. I will been singing all the time from now on.

I am doing so well. Everybody loves me. I am so smart. Fun to be with. I can achieve whatever I want. I have a great life. I can’t complain at all. I am so happy.

Demons come and go. They take their toll and leave you with nothing. But you don’t miss them at all.  At least somebody still wants me.

Nora, good to see you again. You showed me how to become friends with all my demons. I threw out my plastic sword and invited all for a party. Gypsy witch. We drank vodka and danced above your grave.

You touch me once. You touch me twice. I am in love with you and I don’t want to leave you. You took your tooth brash you will never come back. I was never in love with you. If something ends it means it never started. It was never  meant to be as I thought it was.

People come into your life and go. The attic is always a safe place to look at the world. You can sustain your sanity. If you don’t allow anybody there you will never be left alone.

Mum. I miss you. I wanted to tell you about so many things and you left so early. You left me again for good. I will tell you now. I was waiting for you all this time. I never stopped waiting. Never, ever.

Peter write for me – Kathy asked me once. I did and I was born again. I am hiding here but I know everybody can see me.

In my space, in my thoughts I feel safe and happy. Everybody is here friendly and kind. I can see all my desires and cravings and I can talk with them. Dusty attic with cobwebs spread all over the place. Forgotten place filed with old unused  furniture where nobody wants to visit.
Hymn roof is leaking. This should be fixed for sure.