Being Myself Isn't Working

I try to be true to myself, and I try to be myself. Obviously, I'm alone, and obviously I must be hopelessly flawed. No one seems to stick around. It hurts to know that I must be really messed up and repel men. If I wasn't so messed up then someone would stay? Right?

Maybe if I knew what was wrong I could fix it?
Derangedjdub Derangedjdub
36-40, F
5 Responses Dec 12, 2012

I can certainly sympathize, but I'd like to say this: not yet finding the right partner doesn't mean that you're repellent or that there's something "wrong" or "messed up" about you. There are many kinds of people in the world and some of us just take longer than others to figure out which of those kinds of people belong with us. (And it takes some of them a long time too!)

A couple of posts below have given the advice to "stop looking and love will find you". I'm not sure I agree with that; I stopped looking a while ago, and nobody magically appeared. One thing that has happened, though, is that it seems to matter less and less all the time. So that's kinda nice.

Thank You!! I like that perspective!

I hope you are feeling better. Love yourself like I said in my previous comment!!

I am feeling better! Thanks!!

cool read my post lower down.

Not possible to write this and not be desireable. It's a bit of luck combined with a willingness to compromise.

Love is out there. Stop looking for it and it will find you.

Explain these horns you have?

Some things defy explanation.


OMG!!! This is the exact way I feel, only it isn't only men, it's every single person who ever claimed to love me...and one who didn't. Or maybe she did, who knows why I was given up at birth? It was 46 years ago....I wasn't invited to that brainstorming session. Who knows why my adoptive mother never went a day without saying how much she wished I was like her friends kids? Who knows why my adoptive father disowned me after he married my mom's first cousin after my mom died.? Surely he couldn;t have really expected me to call my 2nd cousin "mom" in my thirties, would that be reason enough to sever all ties to "Daddy's little girl"? Who knows why I was beaten by all the men in my life before I found my Prince Charming, my savior, the father of my 2 beautiful baby boys (now teenagers and still beatiful)? Who knows why, after 17 years into our marriage, a secret emerged, one that took all hopes of ever knowing true happiness again? Who knows why hadn't the slightest idea that the man of my dreams dreamed of everyone on the planet including men except his wife, the mother of his children, the one he still claimed to want to sit next to when they pushed our wheelchairs into the sun at our spa-like nursing home? who knew I was never the object of his desire? Who knew it would take 3 years of my trying everything I could to ensure he realized these fantasies ne needed to be complete, only to end up being cast out from my home. Who knew that he'd hide money, turn my kids against me, take the cat and dog, ruin my credit while bolstering his. Who knows why he got to keep the friends we accumulated in our 2 decades together?

Who knows what it feels like to go from being a part of a family, being taken care of in a financially stable home, as a homemaker with no real skillset, only to be thrust into a huge outside world without a single family member or close friend to speak of.?

I know only too well hat that feels like. That is why I felt compelled to projectile vomit my psychosis all over your post.

I know exactly how you feel and I am so sorry that you feel so alone. It sucks! I want you to know what I do know.. And it's the only thing keeping me alive.

I know that I am the coolest person I have ever met. I know that I would rather be in a room of a thousand me's than anyone else. I know that I love who I see in the mirror, I know that I did all I could and that you can;t make people love you, I know that I live my life to not die the *******, even when I;m not always feeling it. I know that I make perfect sense to myself yet not a single other person in my life. I know that doesn't make me flawed, only different. I know the world could use a little different. I know that the world is a better place than it would be were I not to be in it.

I know that tonight my world is a better place because you're in it,. Thank you for sharing your angst. I know that by writing it down it gets it out of your mind, and by cementing text to paper, no matter how virtually, it somehow manages to validate those feelings that the world is too self absorbed to acknowledge.

The fact that you know enough to write what you wrote more than qualifies you to be worthy of love,

I promise.....

Thank you! (tears)

I did read it! :) I love it!!

Just be yourself. Stop reading all the surveys that come out every other day about relationships and how to find a man. And stop listening to Oprah. She is like 60 years old and she has never been married. She does not know any more than anyone else. Otherwise, she would be happily married.

Be yourself and do your own thing.