Some Realizations

So, if you've read anything about me you know that I didn't really date or have exclusive relationships with titles. However, you have seen my past with different boys and the way it's affected me.

I guess I would like to make some points on here that help explain why I feel I am single. And this is not just for my readers out there, it's to help myself too. So here we go...

1) I am scared. I'm scared of getting close to someone new because I don't want to be left behind for the better offer. I am scared that I am too much for one person to handle and that I will drive them away by just being myself. I am scared of commitment, I've never had to practice committing myself to a person. And I am scared of intimacy.

2) I don't know myself. Okay, it's not that I don't know myself necessarily but I am still learning and growing as a person and as things are changing about me my world changes around me. And I don't want to be involved with someone who begins to define me as a person. I want to figure things out on my own and not be dependent. I am still questioning myself all the time trying to make sense of myself. It's enough work trying to balance a way to be happy and motivated, while dealing with sadness and anger. I don't want to interfere with anyone elses self journey and I certainly don't want anyone around me trying to define who I am.

3) I am not confident. There are many things I am sure of about myself like what I want to do with my life and what I do and don't like. But I am not confident enough to be bold. I am not sure enough of myself to raise my hand in class, or randomly introduce myself to an attractive guy. And when it comes to other girls, I feel beaten out. With all that goes well for me, I am still reminded by many people, and often, of the lack of confidence I have.

4) I am terrified of falling in love. And I'm sure you can all relate at point in some way to that.
CarlyOnline CarlyOnline
18-21, F
4 Responses Jan 20, 2013

I feel this way a lot sometimes too. I usually fall in love too fast, but lately the thought scares me a little. Ive put my trust in the wrong people over and over again, and now Idk if I should trust anyone lol. All I know is that even if I was in a relationship right now, I wouldnt be thinking of starting my life with that person. Ive been committed too many times to the wrong women to jump back into something like that lol.

Yeah,that is what I have been through too. It just seemingly gets worse every time but every time you are more gullable to the fraud. And you eventually reacha point of heartbreak that you cannot take anymore.

I know that feeling too... Haa I keep trying tho :/ Lol I know I'll find someone out there, eventually. Im sure you will too.

That's exactly what runs through my head every time someone mentions relationships or love.

Exactly. And you can only ask yourself why you put yourself through it.

Man, I feel like I might have written this story and then forgot about it lol. That sounds completely the same as me pretty much to the last detail. I think what I convinced myself of early on was that I didn't want to burden another person with my problems if I didn't have them sorted out yet. I want to love someone more than anything, but somehow I just can't work out how to go about it. I definitely have confidence issues as well, so I can identify with the feeling of being beat out by other girls and also with the feeling that I might be too much for someone. I have a complicated personality and a very weird side to me that can probably be a bit too overwhelming for most normal people. I don't know if i'll ever get it figured out, so really i'm just wishing that someone would come along who could convince me that I can be satisfied with myself and have a good relationship. I feel like I need clarity. Some way to clear all the clutter out of my head. It worries me how people say "how can you expect someone else to love you if you can't love yourself?" That always scares the crap out of me. I hope that doesn't apply to me haha. I think I do love myself, but somehow I have insecurities up the ying yang at the same time.

Well good gosh if we aren't the same person! I think I love myself to, but damned if I don't question it the next minute. I can have 20 thoughts in one minute about a situation and have no idea what to do about it because I just scared myself with my own thoughts. I feel the same way, I wish there was someone who was there to remind me that it's okay to be confused and that he isn't bothered or overwhelmed by it. Someone to say it's okay, we're only human. Except, guys at this age do not think like that. I am also complicated, if you were to read my story "The Flip Side" and "A Biography For All"...two completely different people but both me. And I too am wierd. I prefer to hide away with my closest friend here at the dorm because my natural habits are not the "norm".

Haha yeah I know what you mean. I always feel like I needed to be born in a 40 year old's body just to have an excuse to think the way I do at times. Unfortunately most of the people who are in my age range aren't on the same level. It sounds like you're a lot more comfortable with putting yourself out there though. I have a lot of reservations about that stuff. Pretty much your opposite I think. I feel like I'm far too sensitive sometimes. People can say things that might have two meanings but i'll always pick the more negative one and not say anything to them about how insulted I might feel. I have the same kind of double personality though. My bright happy exterior, and my dark interior lol. It takes a long time for anyone to see the true me. It's pretty much just my immediate family who knows anything about that. I just wish I could share that with people, it's a heavy load. I'm just always afraid that it'll scare everybody away. It's not that i'm a nasty person, and in terms of family issues I don't have many, but I still have plenty of internal dilemmas. It's balanced out by my sense of humor though I think.

Very well put :)

Thank you (-: