Always Have BeenAs I sit here with my (gulp) 35th birthday looming just months away, I can't help but wonder what women think of a guy my age who's still never had a serious girlfriend. I Google things like "30's never married" or "35 still single" and stuff like that from time to time, and the comments and articles I read are not encouraging. The consensus seems to be that I'm either "commitment-phobic" (not true) or have "personality flaws" (closer to the truth).
And I don't even have anything to bring to the table, other than physical appearance (I look young for my age): not self-sufficient or financially secure since I have a hard time finding jobs, I live with a parent and have off and on for years, and I have the shame and stigma of being on the sex-offender list stemming from when I had a short "relationship" with an underage girl when I was in my early 20's (won't go into that here, as it's not the focus of this posting. Please withhold your judgments; you don't know me or what happened). I find a bit of irony in having the S.O. label, since I am actually quite inexperienced sexually and couldn't even imagine hurting someone, if that makes sense.
I've lost my motivation in general. I've lost my will to live. I know I'm a burden on, and an embarrassment to, my family. I was stunted in my maturation by Pervasive Developmental Disorder/PDD-NOS and Autism spectrum disorder/Asperger's and I've reached NONE of the life milestones for someone my age, but who wants to take the time to listen, to get to know me, before making outright judgments? VERY few people. And since I'm still pretty shy, it's hard to put myself out there. And getting harder as I get older and have less in common with my peers. But maybe I'll reach a point where I just won't give a flying **** anymore. And in some ways, I'm already there.
For once in my life I want to wake up next to the love of my life as the morning sun streams in, taking in her beauty and the beauty of the moment. For once in my life I want to have someone to hold and kiss on New Year's Eve, Valentine's, my birthday, Christmas. For once in my life I want to find love and acceptance, a life partner, my other half. Is she out there? Because at this point in my life, I just can't believe so. I'm a mess and I don't know who'd be strong enough, willing enough, to accept me and deal with any repercussions of being with me.