It's been 3 years since an actual relationship has occurred in my life. Trust me, I've tried. Countless no shows on dates. Countless "you're like my little sister"s. Endless, "So your friend is single?"s.

I guess sometimes life steers you in another direction. It's just too bad my direction doesn't fall with a significant other.

I guess I must be patient.
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100 Responses Dec 10, 2013

My philosophy of this is..... If it's important for me to have a romantic partner, one will show up. If not, I have better things to do.

Sorry, that last word in the book titles should be the plural of the word for a female dog.

Have a read of 'Why Men Marry *******', by Sherry Argov. I think you'll find it interesting.
It's the follow up to Why Men Love *******, which I'd say is more geared towards those already married.

I feel you, my dear!

Hang in there. It is good to see I am not the only one going through that. I hope you find what you are looking for, and that love finds you soon. Don't give up!

I agree it is hard to keep going when its difficult to find a partner in life, just yesterday a woman i liked lied to me about working on christmas day when i asked her to my family christmas party and she was not at work when i brought her a dinner from the party... but either way we must all move forward in life no matter what obstacles we encounter thats my advice and if you ever meet a 28 year old man in south east arkansas just so you know he is single and is family minded :)

A person can do this and change that, they can be nicer or sexier or bitchier or whatever. We end up with who we end up with at the time that it occurs. Some people meet Mr or Ms Right and things are nice most of the time, others meet Mr or Ms Right and things suck or worse.

We all have to do what is meaningful in the present. Look for guys or girls and see who you meet and do what you want to do that's fun. It's not like you are doing anything wrong.

Have fun while you are doing what's dignified for you, whether it's playing volleyball or going to bdsm clubs or meditating or updating your resume and taking a class.

Enjoy . . .

You're still young. I have been with my boyfriend for four years and it felt like an eternity to find him. My best friend has just gotten engaged. But my 4 other best friends, ages 23 and up, haven't found a significant other yet. There's nothing wrong with them. Sometimes these things take time. Don't give up looking, but don't wait for the person to find you either. I met my boyfriend on an online dating site. Perhaps you could try the same? Go on dates with people who seem genuine, even if you don't feel an immediate spark. You'll at least get free dinners and get to meet some cool people along the way. Don't give up!

its not about being patient dear.....
u must tell him.....i know it might sound weird but tell him u wanna spend time with him.....ask for what u deserve:)

My goodness, you are still young. Don't sweat it.

You are definately right about the "ending up where you place yourself." The entire approach needs to change from "getting along to be liked," to admitting your romantically attracted. I disagree in general with the question like "what are you looking for?" Instead of telling him, "you look nice this evening." Try instead something like, "you look sexy and hot in that jacket!"

Friends don't talk like that!

I suggest ”not being the little sister or the friend”. People will leave you in the position you place yourself in. When you get past the first date, start asking questions like ”What are you looking for?” If he says ”Just a friend”, MOVE ON. Now, if your friends are hooking up with guys you like, you may need new friends.

You are definately right about the "ending up where you place yourself." The entire approach needs to change from "getting along to be liked," to admitting your romantically attracted. I disagree in general with the question like "what are you looking for?" Most people really dont know....


I think age and gender may determine what you want and how you move to the next phase with a person. In my 30+ years of experience, I find women wait for the right man and men wait for the right time. No matter what you do or say, you can't change someone's mind about what they want and when they want it. If two people are not on the same page in the beginning, someone will get hurt. Questions help you avoid being the friend with benefits

Girl if you're getting comments like 'you're like my little sister', then it's time to amp up your sex appeal! Sounds like its time for a makeover... Also, make sure you aren't coming across as desperate, don't come on too strong (men like to chase). Play it cool until they are hooked. Don't be judgemental. You're an attractive woman so your approach must be a little off. You have gotten good feed back from these guys that you can work with... Why are they not showing for dates? Is it because you are the one that organised it? Let them ask you... And do not have sex with them straight away whatever you do! That will help you filter the decent guys from the sleazes. Love doesn't just find you.... You need to put yourself out there and give Cupid a helping hand


Hang in there!

I'm kinda right there with you, I am the "rebound" and always get told I'm too nice.

Love just happens young lady and it Will to you too.

Chin Up!

Life is what is it is. It is measured not by companionship. It is measured not by who you are with.

If, for you, life is measured by who you are with, please reexamine your outlook. Look inward.

I won't bore you with "be yourself" or "it will happen when the time is right." I'm sure you have heard those before. I don't believe in them anyway.

How about a completely new outlook? One focused on you? You are your life. Live it as you want to. If your sole desire is to have another, reevaluate that desire.

I used to be in a similar position, and was kindly advised to be patient. Then I learned the truth, as reflected in a recent personal ad I read from a M 4 W. This young, educated, handsome professional had been set up on many dates with his supposed "counterparts." What he really wanted was the fun, sexy, happy waitress.

I'd advise anyone unhappily single to start making platonic friends of the opposite sex, to learn how the other half thinks, and what many really want in a partner. Very often it's not what you were raised to believe to be true. Each has his/her own definition of "a lady in the living room and a ***** in the bedroom." Then learn how to gain and project confidence, so that you don't ever come across as too needy. Be willing to turn down countless offers until your top "requirements" for a partner are met.

I wouldnt suggest turning down countless offers. HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED KNOW WITHOUT KNOWING? Go out and get to know. You may find you may really be happy with different characteristic than you imagined. If its not the right person you may have found a good new friend. Who cant use an extra friend?

People want someone that is attracted by others. If your on a date, someone wants to be with you. Its good all around to be out there instead of at home alone.

You are really young and I dont think you should be so disappointed. I know that is easier said than done. In my life I've noticed that the harder you try you give off that vibe that you are trying hard. I'm a guy who was married to my first love for 10 years and one day found my self single and alone and no idea what to do. It took a lot of pain and time to overcome that, but what I've found helpful is a positive outlook. Be independent but still kind and fun. Look forward to being successful, travelling, being the best at what you do and still have your kind fun gentle side. Look forward to investing in yourself. The vibe you give off when you are no worried about relationships itself attracts the opposite sex. Ive been through both phases.

I've been a single guy for awhile. There have been a few almosts sort of. But I keep putting myself out there, repeatedly, and I wonder how many times I have to get shot down. It's difficult to face rejection. And yet I know that women are out there looking for someone as well, so it really makes me wonder what keeps getting the way. Sometimes I am too passive. I have recognized that. But I also wonder what it is about the ones I take a more direct approach with too. So a question for everyone on here then... if there are so many men and women alike looking and feeling frustrated then what is everyone letting getting in the way, on both sides?

Both sides need the right combination of: 1.Attraction 2.Conversation 3.Interests
Finding all three can be difficult. And the list gets longer, if you want to get serious.

Yes, be patience. You are young and have your life in front of you. Love usually happens when you less expected, when you are not looking for it. Enjoy life and love will find you.

U r right. Patience is the 31 years old but happily being single till now.i understand tht how loneliness r n how painful broken heart r. But thn whnever i fall n i alwz learn how to stand up again.and even being ignored by someone we like the most for so msny years is the worst feeling in the world but thn i`ve learn how to let someone we like the most happy in life even not with us.i alwz tell myself not everything we like...we hv it!

Mini you've most likely heard it all by now, all I can say is don't give up, don't try to hard, be your self life does not end at 18 - 21 unless you make it happen give yourself a chance as well as others to like you.

U fill lonely u can have chat with me or dating with me I'm busy with my work as therapist

I feel ya. Hang in there, im sure it will happen unexpectedly! For me it seems like every women I like or fall for is in love with someone else already. It's really frustrating! They still want to be my friend & sometimes we hang out & have a great time & im thankful for that but I really want to be with someone & be loved to!

Yes Patience is the key. I know it is little comfort when you are in this situation but I am still single as well and I just go on one day at a time. it helps a little for the loneliness if you surround yourself with family and friends. It helps me. The one you seek and the one seeking you is out there and you must never doubt that. I know she is waiting for me to find her and I am waiting for


You never know where or when loves comes knocking: I was in a very well let us say "unsatisfactory" relationship [most would term it abusive] and for no apparent reason I had an irresistible urge to go to a supermarket I had not been to for ages. I walked inside and immediately bumped into an old flame ..................... we arranged to meet up! as they say: the rest is History we have been married [very happily] for over 3 years now! Get out there................ :)

Hey there,
Just stay strong, I have to say I have been in your shoes. At least I think we might have that in common. I am always one of the guys (I am a girl) "Hey, look at that girl. She is a 10!" "Is your friend single" that one is a killer. All I have to say is no matter how patient you are, you have to know how to love yourself and know what you want. In my case, my first step was to be a little more aggressive. Whenever my guy friends would ask me about other girls or girlfriends I would reply with "I wouldn't know, I'm a girl" This was not to get them to see me as a feminine woman but for me to actually believe that I was a desirable, strong and confident woman. I am sorry if I am telling you something you already know. Just ask you to hang in there and know that you are wonderful. It's a great thing to be patient but it is also wonderful to be sure of what you want. Once you know what that is, go for it! P.S I wrote this in a hurry but your post really spoke to me so I had to say something. You are great, don't let anyone else make you feel less or tell you differently!

I just found out my fiancé was cheating on me :/ that makes 34 out of 38 of the girlfriends I've had who have cheated on me. I don't understand. I stay very fit (gotta stay sexy for the ladies) I'm super committed in a relationship, I've very loving both physically and emotionally and I try and always be a support to them. I get it I'm half Latin so what I'm not strait American. I'm a marine, yeah I know that the military divorce rate is higher that the average but I don't plan on ever asking for a divorce unless it's something the girl does that crosses one of those lines that shouldn't ever be crossed by the guy or the girl. Women are meaningful pursuits... Why do they always have to be so finicky and cheat though... :/

Because no women can be trusted. Women want 2 things from a guy. Looks, and money. If you don't have both, then they will cheat on you. And I mean a lot of money, to buy her anything she wants. Like I always say. The only difference between a hooker and a gf is that the hooker will take cash.

That is a very stereotypical comment. Yes, I am a woman.

Steroetypes are steroetypes cause they are/have been true. thats how it becomes a steroetype. And I have plenty of proof that I'm right.

I disagree with this comment about women and money. Particularly because I have plenty and the guy she cheated on me with didn't. I don't like to mention any of that because I prefer it when a girl loves me for me. And a lot of them have.

Yomirizer: The fact that you have proof only shows that you have been with the wrong crowd. I am sorry about that. I wonder what it is that you look for in a woman... Is it looks? Is it money? because stereo-typically you would fit the description of a guy who ends up with the wrong kind of woman because you are only interested in her looks.
Xcr777: If I may suggest you take a long engagement period instead, and take time to actually make sure that the girl loves you for you. Believe it or not there are a lot of faithful women out there and I'm sure you will find one!

the things I look for in a women is simple. A girl I can spend time with, talk to and love. That's all I care about. I don't care what she looks like, or whether or not she has anything.

The thing is I wasn't on a deployment during our engagement. I've been home with her. She decided to cheat on me with a scrawny guy from the college she attends :/ a guy I was trying to befriend at the time. Idk it just hurt. And to top it off I had just had a ring custom made for her. Now I have a size 6 nonreturnable $4,000 ring with no one to give it to XD life can suck sometimes.

Really sorry to read about this. How long were you guys together? if you can not return the ring save it or take it somewhere where they will agree to pay the same amount for it. (Easier said than done) but i'm sure you could.

Lol we were together for about 6 months. I don't really agree with the idea of long engagement periods. And I'm probably going to save it. Hopefully my eventual wife will have the same size

Well if life keeps pushing me this way, I'm going to stop it one way or another...

7 More Responses

The talk in town is that when your looking for someone you won't find them. I suppose the country side is a little different, in hopes that what your seeking finds you.

You're far from the only one! Trust me! 5 years since a romantic relationship for me - and I just dealt with a date no show yesterday! I don't know why people have no common courtesy anymore about showing up when they say they're going to! Maybe I'm too old-fashioned. Anyway, we both deserve better, and I'm sure it will happen eventually. I find I have to keep my expectations really low, and then the jerks out there don't bother me much. Good luck!

Try 7 years without even being hugged/talked to by someone of the opposite sex that you're not related to then get back to me.

Yes ,I am a single man with lots of love ,joy and honesty to give and share with someone special.....but who...????

i guess.. that's the main problem.. stepping into a relation.. has notting to do with "trying". Its a natural step u take, without having to think about it. The moment u stop the trying, life becomes easier. Guys become interested, cus it seems like, u are the person, its easy to be with .. If u ever wanna talk, add me. I'm a 47y old dude, from Belgium. Yeah.. 47, indeed.. it seems to be old.. for someone ur age, but belief me, beside the lil physical problems like a knee that doesn't do what i want it to, it still feels the same, just, less stress, everything made easier.. cheers.. and a hug, from a Belgian "still young" dude.. who knows, the crap we tell when we are 18, is meaningless, since it comes from brainless teens..

You're young. Wait until you had a wonderful marrage and he dies. When you're old and fat and sad. No one will want you again. They all think that a Barbie or Ken will want them even if they're fat and old and sad. Crazy isn't it! LOL

geez thats a bit harsh isnt it?

Harsh? How about wait until you get married and then wish they WOULD die. Like Meatloaf said, praying for the end of I can end my time with you....

wtf i have a boyfriend thank you very much

There is nithing wrong in being single. Why feel sorry? Is actaully a blessing if your self steem is in good shape.

I know this all to well..was single for 7 years then met someone I thought was the one but he turned out to be a pathological liar so I am back to being single which isn't necessarily a bad thing it's just that I have this picture in my head of sharing my life with a partner so sometimes I get discouraged anyways hopefully he's out there but in the meantime I am gonna live and finish discovering me! do the same:)

Congratulations and welcome to the "Brushed for Nothing Club." Dating life is difficult. I've pretty much decided not to worry about a relationship anymore. Enjoy times with friends, family, and the occasional date. It's not the end of the world if that date turns into a new friend. Good luck to you.

don't worry, you will find true love someday, and those jerks are just passing up a great person, its their loss, not yours.

Well you certainly have done better than me I am 46 and have never dated and unlike you no women wants to be friends with me either because women all women call me ugly and weird.

Grotty, I am so sorry that this happens to you. Everyone needs to feel loved and experience genuine intimacy.

How old are you? what you seem to think is a problem might very well be a blessing under disguise. Don't fret. You don't want to be like those that make a sorry hobby out of exchanging boyfriends as they change their bikinis. In the end they end up being looked down on in a way no female wishes. Take advantage of your singleness and invest in things that you are sure to get something out of such as an education, and good personal development base. Guys are out there and will always be. And make sure you work out. And not only work out, but do it hard. I never ever regretted my athletic background. It boosts your self esteem, strengthens your character and unables you to feel good in your skin no matter what. I llooooove what Regina King told Sandra Bullocks in "Ms. Congeniality 2" when Sandra told her that her boyfriend dumped her: "You're sad because 'X' dumped you?!?! I've been dumped many times, when a guy dumps you, you just beat them up and move ooon!!!" LOL. I absolutely adored that character, she was such tiger. Lots of people would hate that type but I ADORED HER.
...And it's actually good when a guy thinks of you as his little sister. If I were you I'd take that as a compliment. A guy like that makes you feel safe around. I'd favor a guy like that over the baboonish type who just can't wait to jump on top of anything that moves. 'Your money is still untouched and therefore safe!'

I can pretty much relate. I'm a guy whose 29 and I can't find common ground with any woman. I just got tired of all the dishonesty. I would like to find that special someone eventually, but I'm not getting worked up about it. I'm just dealing with it and I'm doing fine for myself at this point in my life.

I'm 28 and single for two years, been doing fine. If you can't find a common ground with those clowns, don't worry. They'll end up missing something for nothing, that's what happened to me. My ex is chasing her tail over a guy that's getting married, and she passed me up for him. It's all good though, I found the strength to motor on using her as an example of what not to do. It's hard to let go of people you really care about, but sometimes you have to in order to grow. Hope this helps.

hahahahaha you're not even 21 I bet, try me 28 except my circumstances were different. Chances are you jumped the gun somewhere to where you rushed into things:let your emotions get the best of you and start letting things get to you. You gotta remember that guys around your age (around 70% I'd say) tend to be shallow, dating only for looks. I'm not saying that you're not attractive what I AM saying is maybe your falling for the wrong people. But from a different perspective I regret a couple of times (2) which the girl really cared for me and I took it for granted. I remember somewhere in lala land that I thought i could get the perfect girl but she never came. I sure regret that now..... The point is that those nutcases saying those comments are full of themselves. Give them a year or two I can almost guarantee they'll regret it.

It has been my experience that dating is feast or famine. It seems like there isn't anyone to go out with or there is someone who wants to see you around every corner. If someone stood you up, have you ever had the opportunity to ask them why? If it was a repeat thing, I would try to find out what I was doing that puts them off. I can tell you that there are guys out there that like every kind of woman there is, thick, thin, tall, short, meek, domineering and in all shades and colors. I have a female friend that spent about 10 years looking for an adrenaline junkie type man, the problem is that she is more of a nerd that would rather watch TV than go skiing or camping. She would meet someone and try to chat them up, find out they had zero in common and then she would be depressed because she was staying at home. Make sure you are shopping for the right kind of guy. She eventually figured it out.

If they aren't taking you seriously then you are looking for the wrong kind of guy. Change up the kind of guy you are looking for or go someplace else to meet a guy. Patience is good too, sooner or later there will be a guy that won't be able to leave you alone.

One thing I have learned in life is that love comes when you least expect it. I truly believe that there is someone out there who is waiting for you, but maybe for right now the stars have not lined up for you to meet. I never believed in destiny until I met my fiancé. When I look back now I realize that it was so many small decisions and choices that I made in my life that eventually brought me to him. My advice is to go out and enjoy your own company. Maybe go try some new hobbies, try volunteer work. It will help to take your mind off of the bad things in life, and it might make you more confident because you could meet some new people or make some new friends. I know it can get bad especially around the holidays but you will make it, I think that you are a good person. Just think of all of the guys who said "you are like my sister" as fate telling you that they are NOT the one for you.

I'll date you!



It sounds to me like you are desperate for a relationship. My best advice would be to have patience; LOTS of patience. Meditate and gain insight from yourself with introspection. Love yourself first. Be happy with who you are. Only then can someone truly worthy of your love enter your life.

I know how you feel. I am recently single again and find that I don't like being alone. I hope to find a nice person like yourself to spend some time with. Hope you find that special someone that can appreciate a kind loving lady like yourself. They are out there.

You look so pretty in your profile pic (that's you with the dog?) I can't understand any man not adoring you, and then you sound nice and smart in your message, not mean, so I don't really know what to think.

Me, I'm middle aged, have never been as pretty as you look and am not all that interesting, to be honest, yet have had very little problem finding myself in TOO MANY relationships!

I do remember really wanting to connect with this one person, at a time when I was really lonely and hurting. Every time we were due to get together, something else "came up." One time, it was Thanksgiving and I was supposed to meet his family. I got the "something came up" message as soon as my cousin got done doing my hair. I cried my eyes out and then gave up.

A few years later, I met the most wonderful man... Hang in there, something real will come your way. :)

May I ask some questions? Do you think that this has something to do with you? After the guys no-show, do they call you? How were the dates made? (in person, by phone, internet dating?) Message me if you prefer.

hi. sorry about your crappy love life. if you have had a **** load of noshows, then there is only one answer, and it is NOT that they did not show up, in my opinion of course. my guess is that they did show up, and recognized you from a discription you must have given them, saw you and left. that is mean but that is my thinking.
how you can fix that? i don't know really. i just read your post in my email so havnt had much time. i would say you would do better tho meeting people in a face to face situation, so he (or she) can see what you are and then they know. someplace like church aint really gonna work, but the bar scene, is like all i can think of. a person sitting alone is a BEST way for someone to see someone they like and then talk to them, no matter how self conscious they are. they can easily walk up and ask to buy you a drink. if that hasn't worked for you, then a change in looks must be in order. if it is your face there isn't much you can do except to learn how to better apply make up. if it's your body: lose weight. also working out/gym or other male/female classes serve a double purpose.

if you look how you dress as well. you might be dressing like a cave man/woman. ask friends to critique your looks as well. best of luck. and there is always the time honored best way to get laid: be the only girl left at the bar at closing time.

oh yeah. being last at the bar is not good unless you take a cab home. NEVER walk out of a bar alone, ever, late at night in some dark parking lot.

Good points, maybe, but extremely poorly expressed.

I feel the same way. But I am learning to change my thinking. Stop searching. Let it be. Enjoy yourself. Enjoy the small things in life. Like who you are.

honestly, relationship is overrated. Like a French proverb says better to be alone then badly accompanied.

You just have to find the right person. Don't settle for the "safe" bet. If there is one thing I've learned in 57 years of life, it is that taking a chance in relationships is often far more rewarding than playing it "safe".
My first marriage failed in large part, to mutual stupidity. My second marriage - well, it made sense to me at the time, but it turned into the one mistake I would most like to be able to go back and undo - in a lifetime filled with mistakes.
I have gone back and had two more serious relationships in the last seven years, but they have both foundered on the rocks and shoals of MY being unable to get over the psychological trauma that my second wife put me through.
I mean, when you realize that the best summation of your marriage is based in the terminology of my SERE (Survival, Evasion, Resistance and Escape) training in the military...well, she well and truly ruined my life. I am still picking up the pieces and trying to rebuild.
As a female, you should know that MEN tend to do this to women, far more than women do it to men - it was just that I was stupid enough to marry a woman that turned into a life-destroying, soul-sucking demon...and I was too stiff-necked and proud to admit what she was doing to me.
Don't settle for anything less than the best partner you can find! - and if that means years of looking, it is still worth the search.

It will be worth the wait God has something amazing in his plan for you. Just don't settle you will know your soul mate when they come along!

Yes, be patient, and stop this wish-thinking. It is a waste of time. More than just one is going to come along -- you can count on that.

You could be like me. I was never cut out for relationships. I never really even liked them, but just like yourself, I wished and hoped and despaired over not having a partner when I was a young lass. And then when I got one finally, I was almost always disappointed. It's not what you think it is. It's not what it's cracked up to be.

I just learned to love being alone and wouldn't trade it for the world.

You have to love yourself first.

I got married at age 22. It lasted only 3.50 years. It was one of the worst nightmares I have ever been in. Been single ever since -- and love every minute of it.

Perhaps you are an introvert, like me, and seek solitude. Enjoy your oneness and your solitude all you can. You will have plenty of time for plenty of lovers to come along and mess it all up for you. No problem there.

You're only young, stop chasing and it will happen

It’s not the load that breaks you down, it’s the way you carry it.”
“Hold fast to dreams, For if dreams die, "Life is a broken winged bird, That cannot fly.”

The most important thing is to just live. Don't spend time thinking about the things you don't have think about what you do have. I think it is possible to be happy and be single. As soon as you come to that realization it won't matter if you don't have anyone. Keep your head up and do as many things as possible, don't let life pass you by because you are focused on having a man....sometimes we just aren't worth it.

Also please ignore all the creepers below who are looking to prey on vulnerability. You deserve so much better!

You are very young and it takes a lot of people many years to find a relationship. Even though I totally understand the urge, and sometimes it even feels like desperation or like something is wrong with you, that's largely because media is so focused on telling us that we can only feel complete within a heterosexual relationship and that's just not true. Just focus on figuring yourself out and what it is you really love in life and want to do with your life. There's a good chance that on that journey you will find other like minded people who would be interested in you. On the other, hand if (I don't know if this is the case or not) you are just concerned with trying to get into a relationship to the extent that you sacrifice your personality and self, people can't actually fall for the real you. Also I recommend reading the Captain Awkward blog since it has helped me make sense of a lot of things. Sometimes reframing how we think and feel about something is all it takes.

Don't be so hard on yourself. I didn't have a boyfriend, nor had my First KISS until I was 29. Yes, you heard correctly 29....Guess what? I've been married for 16 years now, and I am delighted I waited for the "right guy". One day, You will too.

Would you like help...figuring out why? I am a good listener, experienced in this area, and I know you will feel better with your new confidence and me

I feel like you are preying on this young women, and I hope she is smarter than to take you very seriously.

Not the case what so ever...have daughter with same issues before, as well has other young women. Sadly, the guys were all jerks, everyone in family knew it but her. Even after warnings, she was in love and blind...I was there to help heal her heart, listened, and then gave her a man's perspective on certain obstacles.

Its been over 5yrs since my last contact other than chatting with a lady...stop looking for love and it will find you..remember your young and there is no rush..(i would make good sugar daddy in mean time...joking).. honestly let it come to you

Where do you live? We might get along.

Could be the kind of person/jerk you attract. But we all have our type that is good for us.

Last year was the year I finally threw in the relationship towl and quit. It is quite liberating to be responsible for your own happiness and not rely on someone else. I guess in teh end, that's true for all of us. It just took me accepting my 'aloneness' to reach that awareness.

Oh gosh!!! I just wish i could go back 10 years back and make different desicions...i used to think like you...

Love yourself. People are attracted to individuals who are comfortable in their own skins. However, men are terrified of rejection, so if you are not the giggly, flirty type of female who gives off signals, they may be afraid to ask you out. Don't ever change who you are to be dateable, but the signals you're giving off may being giving off the wrong information about yourself. Namely, "if you ask me out, I'll publicly humiliate you, or punch you in the throat". I'm not saying that you may come across as bitchy, but if you're not a door mat and stand up for yourself, guys maybe a bit intimidated.

So... the oldest you could possibly be is 21. Some people get by best when they realize there is more to life than dating. At that point, they begin to learn about who they actually are and what they really want out of life. You'll find that person eventually but, in the mean time; stop looking.

RIGHT ON THE took me 40 years to reallly know who I was.Spend the time enjoying your freedom instead of starring at lovers in the park.

My mother married at 18 like many woman in those days and she is 80 now and regretes that she didn't take those 10 years to get to ENJOY her apartment and the freedom while getting to know herself.


My father inlaw married at 40 and his wife was 30.

I couldn't find a girlfriend and married at 23 and am still with her 33 years later.Better to be with someone that lets you be you.That's why I feel comfortable.

You need to watch the movie called " WHAT NUMBER ARE YOU " it's a funny romantic movie with a message at the end.When you get the message you will understand why it's not how many dates it's how that person makes you feel ....THAT'S IMPORTANT !.........their is someone for everyone waiting for you.

Like just about everything, its a numbers game. The more dates you go on or even just going to places with lots of other people ; art gallery openings, football games, seminars, free classes, conventions, 5k-10k charity runs, etc., the higher the probability. Its true in every facet of life. Social media helps too, including blogs and photography.

I can't believe anyone would treat you like that . I've been treated bad myself not all girls like a nice guy

Girls don't like nice guys. Women do.

Well, the women I have known do appreciate nice guys - they just don't want a relationship with them. They all want guys who are mean to them and are more exciting to be with, i.e. they never know which psycho will show up on a given day. Don't know about girls as I don't date them.

Yeah vid thought maybe I should date women a little older than me they would be more mature but I usually attract girls my age or younger . One person in her said a girl should never change who she is and I agree kind of but some girls don't know how to change the being single part about them so in those cases I disagree I've ran into some of those and there's other situations like that where girls do actually need to change who they are .

Frequently people will tell you it will just happen and not to go after it. If you think about everything else you acquired in your life did it "just happen" or did you actively go after it? If you wanted a job did you just walk by the company and hope someone would look out the window and see you or did you go in and fill out an application?

Try dating sites. POF is free. Plus there are a number of other sites. And, most important, the person whom you think is a definite no-no after reading their bio may actually be the ideal one.

I met my wife on a dating site. Our differences included religion, culture, education, income plus a 9 year age difference. She was/is a professional and I was a tradesman 9 years older than she. We both thought "this isn't going to go anywhere." That was 17 years ago!

Don't give up and be open to new experiences.

my dating situation is somewhat similar to your marriage, except I'm five years older. My ex became very insecure and resentful of my formal education, I'm afraid the same will happen again. Although, the man I'm dating has very little formal education he is extremely intelligent and self aware, whereas my ex was an not the brightest bulb in the box and had no sense of self. I was hoping you could share with me any helpful advice. I don't want to end this relationship, but I fear the differences will be an issue and that scars me. I know I shouldn't listen to other people but commonly these types of relationships don't work. The last thing I want is to hurt this man, I resisted going out with him at first but he wore me down, he really is quite special. Any words of wisdom?

scares not scars

Hi Sedgirl,

When my wife and I were dating and it became obvious it was serious I asked her why she didn’t choose a doctor or lawyer or an executive. Her annual income was more than double mine. She told me most men are competitive and her salary would always be a point of contention. There would always be an undercurrent of friction. However, she could see money didn’t impress me.

I had received an inheritance, had just sold a house and had a few dollars saved so I certainly wasn’t destitute but I couldn’t sustain a fancy lifestyle. As for her money I wouldn’t ask her to contribute any more than I could regarding living expenses. Everything would be split half and half.

Now the “words of wisdom”. HA! Obviously that meant living in a house I could afford. That meant living the lifestyle I could afford. How else could I pay half? If she wanted a fancy car, fine. She pays for it. If she wanted expensive clothes, no problem. She pays for them. It’s important not to put ones partner on the defensive trying to keep up.

We lived together for 10 years before we married. She wasn’t all that enthusiastic about marriage but I explained to her that when we travel should one of us get hurt a common law spouse can’t always speak for the injured party. Times are changing but she knows my wishes as far as medical care goes and I want to be sure she is legally entitled to make the decisions. (How is that for being romantic when asking someone to marry?) HAHAHAHA

Anyway, a few months after being married she said to me, “Nothing has changed since we married.” So I asked her what she thought I was going to do. HAHAHAHA One thing did change, though. She calculated our differing income and suggested we pay an equal percentage. That resulted in her offering to cover 2/3 of the expenses and I pay 1/3. I thought that was very nice of her as we stipulated our money would always be kept separate when we first got together.

The bottom line is you know your boyfriend. How is he with the situation now? Do you notice hints or remarks about the different income? Is he living within his means or in debt? If he is having problems budgeting his money you can be sure he’ll try to get his hands on yours.

It’s like the person who says, “If I just had an extra $--- a week I’d be fine.” Of course, they never are fine. It doesn’t matter how much money they have they’ll always need an extra $--- a week.

Relationships like yours and mine can work. It all comes down to the person being honest. I love money as much as the next guy but I only have so many hours to live. I may have 80 years or around 700,000 hours but I’m not going to spend any of those hours trying to obtain money I don’t need just like a person who has $700,000 is not going to spend a dollar on something he/she doesn’t want/need.

My wife is a business gal. Like everyone else she occasionally grumbles about her job but I know she’d be bored to death not working and talking about bored I hope I’m not boring you. 

My final words. Love does conquer all. If two people love each other they would never try to take anything from the other. Observe how your boyfriend treats you. If he purchases two of something does he offer you the best one? The bigger ice cream cone? (Granted, it’s not the time of year to check that out.) The best seat at the restaurant table? (You know how the view from some seats is better than the view from others.) In other words is he a “giver” or a “taker”? Does he put you first? If he is a “giver” you have nothing to worry about. He’ll know you studied and worked to get to where you are and he’ll know you work hard to keep your position so in his eyes you are equals just as he works hard every day.

You say he’s intelligent and self-aware. Also, you wrote, “I fear the differences will be an issue.” I’m not sure if you are referring to differences other than the money but when it comes to things in common it’s far more important how he treats you. I suggest you have a good chat with him and tell him what you told me. Not only can you each live your life your own way, within reason, and still have a beautiful, loving relationship but you’ll both become wiser as you’ll experience life from two different angles.

Have that chat with him. Tell him you are going to remain “you” and in return you will not try to change him. You will not give up your independence. As you grow together you’ll both naturally become inter-dependent. If you both have an open mind you’ll have a relationship others will envy.

Best wishes and please keep us posted. :)

At first I was less concerned about our differences, but people have made "concerned" comments. Although I am fully aware that it is none of their business. However, it has gotten me thinking.

I'm presently unemployed, as I just finished my Master's, but I have the potential to make quite a large salary, however, what I want is a job that I will love. I don't care about the money, I was making a very good salary before I went back to school, I wasn't being challenged. As my education level increased so did my ex's insecurities. As I neared the completion of my Master's thesis I noticed attempts at sabotaging me. There was always some emergency that only I could fix and it hindered my ability to get work done. But then he would make subtle references to me getting a full time job. I worked full time and part time while I was in school, plus, did all the office work for his company, for which I did not receive financial compensation for the first eight years. Most of my tuition and expenses were covered by scholarships, grants and bursaries. After 23 years of that, at times I struggle to identify normal and abnormal behaviour. You get accustomed to all the insanity. I want an equal, but to me that doesn't refer to education, social status, or income. It means, one is not inferior or superior to the other, they are partners, they respect each other. My ex was always the type that wanted to impress people. He always picked up the tab, even if the other person invited us out. He wanted every toy and luxury, you can imagine those arguments, "I wouldn't let him have anything", "he works hard, he deserves these things", not if you can't afford them. He would also start fantastic projects that were never completed, unless I did it myself. With the help of my Dad, I taught myself to use power tools.
My house is full of things he had to have and never used. After two years, I'm still trying to get rid of stuff. Me, if I don't need it, I don't buy it and I loath shopping, loath it, I'd rather visit the dentist.
As for the man I'm dating, he's basically broke most of the time. But he's divorced with two very large teenage boys, who play sports and eat a lot of food, so I think that is contributing a factor. His oldest son eats three times more than myself and my daughter combined. So at this time it's difficult to tell if he's someone who can't live within his means. He does seem to want to help me with things around my house, which I have a hard time with. I've grown accustomed to taking care of myself, and unfortunately in my experience, if someone does something for you, they expect something in return. Benefits of a childish, self absorbed spouse and narcissistic sister. He does treat me well, but there are times when cultures clash. Mostly mildly offensive comments or makes generalizations about females, but I think it's based more on ignorance. Because his actions don't reflect what's coming out of his mouth and admits that he was unaware that what he said was inappropriate. So the fact he can admit he is wrong and learn from it, means quite a bit too me. My ex seemed like he was keeping score, he was obsessed about not being wrong to the point of lying and manipulation.
I guess it's one of those things, where I will just have to wait and see what happens. Thanks, for the advice, I feel better about this now. Your wife was correct, sometimes the men do make it a competition. Traditionally it was the man who supported his family, unfortunately some men feel as if they are inadequate. Of course that is garbage, there is so much more to a healthy relationship. I think it says a lot about your wife that she was willing to split her income with you, she sees you as an equal in your marriage.

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You are far too young to be worried about being in a relationship. Enjoy the freedom of being single, and the right guy will come along. Make sure you do things which enable you to meet lots of guys, but don't be thinking about trying to find someone to go out with. Just enjoy having fun with lots of different guys as friends, and be keen to remain single, without any ties. Don't try to pin them down into a relationship - let them try to pin you down into a relationship! Then one day it'll just happen - possibly when you least expect it. The harder you search, the harder it will be to find!

Many of us have been there. It will work out but you may have to accept there will be more disasters on the way. I can only wish you the very best of luck.

Pete XXX

Sounds like you've had the displeasure of meeting many confused young men. Be patient... VERY patient.

You know, being loved and loving someone is a natural need and I'm not going to say that you shouldn't be validated in how you feel. If you were 13-16, I would take that tact. School is important and focusing on the future is important. More important than rushing into something a person is not mentally able to handle.
But, you have a good outlook and I hope you find someone that is a good person. We all desire to be desired.

It took me forever but it did happen

You need to be comfortable being single before you can find someone. Consider this, when I’m in a relationship I seem to get more attention from girls. But as soon as I am single it all seems to vanish. The reason it seems that way is needy is not attractive. When you’re in a relationship you’re confident and content. The trick is to show those attributes when you’re single. You’re happiness can’t depend on a relationship. If it does you’ll depend on him for you to be happy. If your happy with yourself, your happiness with attract others.

Girl Ill be honest Ive never been in a real relationship till now at 23. Before this all I had were flings and ONS's; you probably cant relate to that. What I mean to say is that its possible, just try to be patient and put yourself out there. It can be as easy as just doing your hw in a starbucks rather than at home

Yes be patient.. you are young an have your whole life ahead of you, there is no need to rush, better to be right and if not then better to be alone. At your age I hope there are many other things in your life that you enjoy - keep enjoying them and someone right will come along

Don't let anything get you down, It is not what is wrong with you... It is What is wrong with them. I find worrying about things you can not influence makes for a hard life.

just keep on looking. love will find a way :)

Sorry to read about the difficulties with boys. Do you have many female friends?

So it seems as if you get along better with boys, except when it's about romance. Do you have male siblings?

All perfectly normal at your age too.. my son is a similar age an his best friend is a girl... Please reply with authenticity, support, and respect

learn how to bend the elements. as you progress in your abilities as an elemental bender, you will attract a larger group of people and may even catch the eye of a future lover with promise and good intentions with your heart. but the sadness will go away with time, in the meanwhile learn to use your inner alchemy and command your power over the universe. be the master of your destiny. Rise and destroy your enemies!

Maybe you are trying on the wrong social groups to find some one... I mean, if some one say to you that you are more like a little sister maybe it's because there isn't that many things on common with them or any attraction.

I have many female friends that I see more as sisters than women and I like to hang around with them for fun but not because im attracted.

I think that it's really interesting to see a girl being involved on cars and bikes and getting greasy pulling a carb out and cleaning it with diesel! And you should don't stop doing it just because maybe you feel it's not a really feminine thing...

Do you have some other things beyond cars that you like to do... Maybe something that can open you to meet totally new people?

You're a pianist and no one considers you romantic/datable? Then forget those scrubs, they don't know what real talent is. Do you ever compose songs yourself or do you play the old stand-bys?

If you ever feel up for it you should do a piano rendition of the song Beer by Psychostick, then record it and let me hear it. Unless you're not good at singing. In which case it would be even more enjoyable.

Do you have a more average hobby? Cooking, playing videogames, bowling, running... hahaha! I don't see many guys under 25 who are really interested to go to a piano recital.

I have some "out of the ordinary" hobbies... amateur radio and pipe smoking, so I can understand how it feels that for most of the people around your age group think that what we like is for "old" people...

What do you play for games?

I wouldn't say that's bad. There's a lot of games I've thought about replaying or getting emulators for, but I've been too lazy to do so. I mean as much as I love it how many times can I finish Chrono Trigger before it gets old? Fifteen? Twenty?

The world will never know.

Mmm... ok, so maybe you just need to wait and keep enjoying the freedom of being single for a little longer!

If you can play an instrument, get a keyboard and play in a band. That will certainly get you attention.

There may be many who might find that confusing, but there certainly is a minority that will find this wildly attractive.

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Hey I've been single as well probably all my life since I don't really count relationships that ended in like a month or two.

And hey from your picture you're a cutie :). What I learned is learn to love yourself before you love another. They will come sooner or later!