It Has Been Long Enough

Hi there all my single fellow-human-beings

In my belief, Adam was created, and God saw that although he was surrounded by all the animals and the beauty of creation, he was alone.  So He decided to make him 'a helper', 'one like him'.  So He created Eve.  This to me, as a woman, means that from the beginning of creation, woman was never all alone on earth.  She was 'made' for a man and always with a man.  I do not mean this in any degrading way, I just mean that the yearning for a woman to be with a 'mate' might be even stronger than a man's...? 



I am 35 years old, and have never been married before.  I was engaged to be married 13 years ago to a wonderful man, who was my best friend and lover, my activity partner, my support.  He was my future, my dreams, my everything.  And then on 2 January 1997 he died in a freak paragliding accident.  Of course after this for 2 years I had no desire to have a boyfriend.  I couldn't even stand seeing a couple on street holding hands or being affectionate.  I looked away when there was a love scene or intimate scene on tv or in a movie.  It just hurt too much. 

Then, after 2 years of mourning, and desperate to do something to make my life 'go in a direction', I decided to go overseas and work in the UK, which I did for 9 months.  Just before going, I met a guy who seemed to be crazy about me.  Well, my flight ticket was already booked and I wasn't planning to keep this guy waiting.  He kept in contact while I was in the UK and at the end of my travels, I got this letter that he was committed to me and that he wants to spend his life with me ... Oh well, I thought, I am alone, so maybe I should give it a go ... Wish I didn't ... The problem with me is, when I give my heart - I give it completely.  I have no thought whatsoever to end a relationship, even if it is damaging to me.  Well, that is what I am proned to do.  So, at the beginning with this guy it was okay, but I very soon realised that he was not living in the 'real' world.  He was a dreamer and even believed his own 'stories'.  He never had a proper job, and I always paid for everything - every social engagement, every vacation, his cigarettes, clothes, whatever.  Big mistake ... Even though I give everything - love, affection, every effort I could - I was constantly rejected and hurt so much.  My self image became so low that I was holding on to him for life and death - believing that I could not be without him, and could not be alone.  Meantime this was very damaging to me, because he would reject me and dump me and I would beg him (literally on my knees) not to leave me.   This went on for 4 years ... It did end - in a terrible and traumatic way (for me), but now I am grateful that it did end, because now I realise how bad it was for me.  Where I said I'd rather be in a bad relationship than be alone, I definately now say that I am rather alone than in a bad relationship.  I cannot even remember exactly when this relationship ended, but I think it was round about 2003.  Since then I have been dating and had short lived relationships, flings, an affair, and had a broken heart many many times. 

I am now tired of being alone.  I really am.  Most of my friends are married and have children who now go to first grade.  I watched everyone, one after the other, meeting someone, getting engaged, marrying, getting pregnant, having their children ... I am so happy for them, but everytime I did feel the pain of a knife in my heart ... when will be my turn ...?  Will I ever again meet someone with whom I will share the love I had known so many years ago with my fiancee?   Now my younger sister is getting married.  It is especially difficult, because both our mother and father were murdered 2 years ago, and both grandmothers died in the same month as my parents.  So our immediate family (who were always there in our lives) are not there anymore.  It breaks my heart every time I am doing some wedding preparation with my sister and I can see the heartache and longing for her to share the preparations with my mother and father and grandmothers.  They would have been so exited.  And I am trying my best not to be in tears all the time.  Because I miss them so much too.  They were always the people who I spent my time with - which helped so much with my being single and lonely.  And now they are gone.  Now I am really really alone most of the time.  I have friends, who I love dearly, but a friend is not part of your day-to-day life.  You cannot expect your friends to come around every day ... They have lives of their own ...

So, I really do experience intense loneliness.  I try my best to be involved in activities where I can be social, and luckily I do have a group at church, and belong to a hiking club etc.  But this is not enough.  To make it worse, I am an extrovert, and I have changed my employment at a big corporate firm to work for one advocate (for various reasons at the time).  Now I am alone most of the day too, with very little social interaction.  And to get home and also be alone ...  I have decided to start looking for another job soon - because I cannot stand being alone most of the day - it is really getting to me.  My nature is being a social, adventurous, passionate and spontaneous woman.  And now I feel like a lonely spinster ... should just get a cat :-)

Well, I am sure there are a lot of you who feel just like me, so lets keep our chins up, know that we are beautiful and strong woman, and that somewhere there is a man who is worthy of our love, and whom we will love and spoil and that man would be a very very lucky man! :-)  I pray that all of you single woman out there, who yearn to have a good man in your life, will be sent such a man by God.  Because He is the only One who really knows who the right one would be.  May we all meet him, very soon!

Lots of love to all!

Anneke

 

 

Annie35 Annie35
41-45, F
4 Responses Feb 22, 2010

can i ask you to a date?<br />
^_^

Hi Anneke!!<br />
<br />
You know, I am 32 and I feel the same way as you do at times. I soo so SO long to have the one true love of my life, but I am still single.<br />
I have dated many kinds of men - and when I do, I give them all my heart, and do end up feeling hurt at times (even if they dont intentionally try to hurt me). The majority of men I've dated were totally awesome guys, I just wasn't mature enough to realize that we were a good fit at the time. Only 1-2 have been totally d-bags! :)<br />
Of course my experiences are totally different than yours - I have not had to endure the same losses that you have. <br />
I want to say that I think it is VERY VERY admirable of you to keep the loving attitude that you still have, after all you have been through. That is not an easy thing to do - it is much easier to be bitter about it, and always in a bad mood. I do not get that feeling from you at all.<br />
So - that is a good thing you are doing.<br />
<br />
Please continue to be strong. I don't know if you are a religious person (It seems though you are). But in those moments of extreme lonliness - you know, those times when you are sitting in your apartment alone, wishing, hoping for the love of your life to be sitting next to you, when you feel that heartache in your chest, and you feel that tension in your head.......just breathe...take deep, long breathes. Concentrate on what God you pray to. Thank him for everything you currently DO have in your life. And, thank him for having the wonderful opportunity to have known the people that are not in your life anymore. <br />
Keep doing this every time you feel lonely. It could be many times a day if you need to.<br />
It really does make you feel better internally - and you don't feel so alone. You know God is always with you, and you have yourself - You are your own first love, afterall!<br />
<br />
Just keep this positive attitude. Write down in a journal all the important traits that are necessary for you to have the relationship you really want. Also make a list of 'nice to have' traits.<br />
Read this list every day to your God, asking him to send this man to you soon. Also - make sure to thank the universe for creating this man just for you. <br />
He is *definitely* out there, somewhere - the universe and God HAVE created him just for you. It is just that that you have not met him yet.<br />
So, thank the universe/God, but ask them to send him to you soon.<br />
<br />
I do truly believe this will work. I know it may *sound* a little nutty, but trust me - it will put you in great spirits, and will show how committed you are to finally finding your one true love.<br />
<br />
I hope this helps you. I pray every day for my 'one'. Each guy I have dated has led me to be more and more open to new experiences, and new thins that I have learned about myself. I believe with each relationship that has not worked out, I am that much more closer to finding him.<br />
<br />
Please keep in touch!

I enjoyed reading your story especially because I can relate to it so much! I don't even think I could of expressed it better than you. I hope you find the love of your life! Stay strong and keep believing in love!

Anneke, first of all, you're gorgeous! What a beautiful smile you have :) <br />
You have been through some rough patches, have had to deal with death of loved ones a few times... and it's inspiring that you have such a positive outlook still. Like you said, you're not alone in this... while all our experiences may be different, i believe at some point in life everyone meets with a hurdle and have to go through the painful process of letting go. <br />
Thank you for sharing your story with us. Keep the faith.. i'm sure you will eventually meet the man you're meant to be with :)