A Dating Story: A Different Me.

Hello Everyone,

This is my first time writing on this group. But there was an email that I have gotten through EP that inspired me to tell you all of a lesson that I have learned from my first real boyfriend.

I met my very first boyfriend Tim in the summer of 1997. I was 24 at the time, and never dated before. I wanted to start dating because my nephew was born. 

Anyway, the first date was the usual dinner and we played pool. The second date was the day after the first one. Tim wanted me to come visit him at his apartment. I didn't know at the time that the reason why he wanted the second date that fast was because he recently broke up with his fiance over a female teenage friend of his (Which is another story in itself and I did meet that friend too).

Anyway, on that second date, we became intimate right away. 

Two weeks after our first meeting, I went back to school in small town just 2 1/2 hours from my hometown (Where Tim also lives). He told me before I left that he had some sort of problems phoning long distance and that he doesn't want to do that. 

What ended up happening was that I ended up calling him almost three times a day everyday until I heard a real voice and not a recorded. Yes, I spent a lot of money on long distance calls. I even ended up spending money on bus rides to see him on the weekends. He never visited or called me once when I was in that small town. Later on in the relationship, he mentioned that he didn't like small towns, which was his excuse for not seeing me.

I ended up transferring to a university in my hometown because of Tim. But I still ended up calling more than three times a day. And this time around, I ended up going to his apartment, even when he was a work. Yes, I became a love-struck stalker, and I hated it. When I am focused on something else, I never really liked how I was acting towards him and thinking that isn't really me. But I continued to do so, just to get his attention.

However, the only time that Tim had called me was when he was sick, or just wanted company. Now the problem with his calls was that he wanted me to come over to his place within a matter of hours. Not tomorrow or the next day, the same day as his call. I have to drop what I have had plane (Including studying for exams happening the next day) so that I can be with him. Mind you I take the bus, and I hated to drop everything that I have planned to do the day before. And by the way, I moved back in with my parents when I transfer to another university.

Some of the those many calls were me suggesting that Tim and I do something other than me going to his place. Tim constantly shot those suggestions down saying something like "I work that day." He works in a grocery store where they have their schedules up every week. The one incident that I remember the most was that I bought Rock Concert tickets four months in advance, and he said the same thing.

Another incident that I remembered, was on our birthday (Him, me, and his mother all shared the same birthday). He told me that he and his family were planning to go to dinner. I asked if I can come too, he said yes. But when the birthday came, I phoned him and he said that it was for family only. That hurt me because I told my parents that I had plans to do something on my birthday. I ended up going to an acquaintance and us getting high on Rocket Candy.

I ended up dating Tim for five years. And within the five years, he's never given me a birthday, Christmas, or Valentine's Day gift. He's never even been to my graduation or to visit me at the hospital.

Well, the final year, I became wise and realized that Tim doesn't want a date. He wants another Mommy. He only calls me when he is sick with the flu (Then I get the flu) and when he wants to be nurtured. And by that time, he only calls me once a month to come over to his apartment that day.

Around our final On-Again-Off-Again relationship (There was that too), I realized this and started to look for another boyfriend. Which I did (Another story onto itself). But by the time I met another man, I was with Tim again. So the way that I dissolved the relation was to test which man is going to call me first. Sure enough Tim lost. The second boyfriend ended up calling me once a week so that we can do something a day or days ahead of time. I've never called the second boyfriend more than three times a week nor did I stalk him.

The way that I broke the news to Tim was something stupid that I did. I announced it on his answering machine. He did not get the message until he called me two months later and he wanted to invite me to a Rock Concert. That's when I had to break the news to him again. Thank god for revenges.

The lessons that I have learned from this first boyfriend:

1. Do not get intimate too fast.

2. Don't the man should be the one calling the woman for a first date, not the other way around. For me, it's just a way to control my urge to constantly call the guy more than usual. When a guy on a dating site gives me their phone number, I respond back giving them my phone number and writing that they should call me first. I never save their numbers anyway. Besides, men love to be the hunters.

3. A man's apartment is not great idea for a first date. That means sex and/or rape to a woman. I know that there are guys out there that think that a first date at their apartment, means that they don't have to spent money on dinner, but it's still not a good idea.

4. There are people, like me, out there that plan their day a day ahead of time. It's a way to be organized. Now, I've had other situations were someone called for me to do something right away, then the rest of the things I have planned go out the window. I don't mind spontaneity sometimes, but not all the time. I had another guy that not only did that to me once, but twice (The second time, I told him that I was already doing something and I don't want to drop it).

5. If a man doesn't give you any attention or gifts (Not showering a woman with gifts all the time), then he is not worth being with.

6. Don't a different person when you are dating. That's the main lesson that I have learned. I haven't done that at all in my last two relationships. Too bad I'm still single and in my late 30s.

midnightstarr midnightstarr
41-45, F
7 Responses Feb 24, 2010

bailian,<br />
<br />
Thanks for the comment and I know not all guys are like that. The problem is finding people who treat others as they would like to be treated.<br />
<br />
By the way, has anybody watched Dr. Phil a few days ago. It had a teenage girl who had been in a similar situation as I have. But her story got to the point where after the boyfriend told her to loose weight, she secretly cut herself in the leg so that she can get rid of the fat fast. Now she is in a new relationship where the guy respect her, but she's afraid that she might be going to be that girl that wants to constantly please the boy, like she did in her first relationship.

good for you,,,<br />
but not all guys are like that,,<br />
im bin single for 3 years now..<br />
^_^<br />
and now i missed having someone to be with...

RavenDelcor,<br />
<br />
Thanks for your comment. I didn't think that I was putting all men in a bad light. I just wrote the last comment just in case there is a guy that might think so. Besides, I'll find that one that treats me with respect. :-)

It is definately a generless activie, it can happen to a man; from a man to a woman from a woman it can happen where both are doing to each other .... Yes Tim or Tina makes no difference. You did a good job of portraying it, you may have put Tim in a bad light but not men, some people may read this and kiss their sweetheart for not being this way.

Thanks for the comments. I didn't mean to put men in a negative way. But I think that both men and women treat each other the way that Tim did with me.

I liked the way your story outlines the toxicity of a relationship without giving it too much judgement. I also think your rules are top-notch and to be visited everytime a dating experience may arise. Ahh.. what would we do without our mistakes!<br />
Thanks

It was an interesting experience to read this story, given that my current boyfriend is named Tim. But, he's decent! Lol.<br />
<br />
Sounds like you've had a tough time there. Don't you just hate it when people don't treat others with the respect they deserve? Props to you for finally breaking out of that bad cycle! It takes so much courage.