Why Won't He Commit?Reader's question : Why won't he commit?
"We've been seeing each other for several months, going out on dates, hanging out a lot, texting almost daily, phone calls, and the like. But he won't commit! I am so bummed and confused. Am I not good enough? Am I wasting my time? Am I moving too fast? Why won't he commit? I am not seeing anyone else and I spend all my free time with him. I don't know if he's seeing anyone else. When I ask him, he gets mad and refuses to talk about it. What's going on and what do I do?"
I am probably going to catch a lot of hate mail from this one but I am going to shoot this straight, cause that's how I do business. You ask why he won't commit: well, plain and simple, he doesn't want to. The truth is he is probably seeing someone else or at least wants to keep his options open and he's getting angry because you are pressuring him into a commitment he doesn't want. For whatever reason, he doesn't just want to commit to you. Okay, that doesn't feel good. Feels like rejection. But it is the truth and he has told you.
You ask if you're not good enough. Well, maybe he doesn't think you're long-term material or the exact fit for him or maybe he just isn't ready for commitment to one person, period; none of which make you not good enough. You also ask if you are wasting your time. Well, maybe, that depends on what you're looking for. If you just want him, you might try seeing him for a few more months and then if he still refuses, move on; this is a clear sign that you are wasting your time. You seem attached to him at this point so my suggestion is to begin to explore and date others while you date him. This way, if you decide that you are wasting your time, the transition won't be near as tough.
You ask if you're moving too fast. Well, that's possible. He isn't ready, at least not to commit to you, so you're moving too fast for him. I will catch a lot of hate mail for the next line but it's a rule of mine and I stay true to it and suggest all ladies do the same: Let the man lead in the area of relationship status. There's a fun box and a serious box. Right now you're in the fun box. DO NOT move from that box until he says he's ready for exclusivity. You are in a grey area right now which only leads to confusion (which you clearly are). And that's ok. Just put him back in the fun box and start dating other people, too. Keep them all in that box until you both decide to move out of it. Why? Stereotypically women's emotions move faster than men. I am saying stereotypically because it is what it is. As with your scenario, you are in a place that he isn't. Allow him to lead and just have fun!
So, readers, do you have any other suggestions for her? Am I off the mark? Any men wanna throw in their comments and suggestions? A male point of view is always appreciated in a situation like this.
Chrissie Lomax, M.M.
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