I Am Terrified...

I have no friends. I am 25 and I have no friends. That scares me more then I can say.
I have a co worker and I look after her kids and she says she loves me but I don't think she sees me as a friend, more like a younger sister/niece type figure. She has no idea how I am feeling and I wouldn't want to tell her as I worry she would judge me or not see me in the same way as she did.
I had friends but they all ended. I had a best friend from the ages of 16 up until recently but she has always treated me badly and I cancelled one night out and she stopped speaking to me even though she has cancelled night after night out. It is one rule for her and one for me and I am tired of making all the first moves to stay friends.
I was friends with her husband as well but because I no longer speak to her, I no longer speak to him.
Then my other close friend got arrested for crimes against kids and the only other friend I had left was just a user wanting someone to help out with her kids.
I wake up in the middle of the night all the time and suddenly think *My god. You are completely on your own, you have no friends and no social life.* It makes me go cold and into a spiral of self hatred.
I worry that I will end up like my aunt who is 43, single, still living at home and has very little friends or social life.
If I ended up like that I wouldn't want to live.
I am so ashamed of my life and am also ashamed to tell other people about it. How can I turn to people and say *Hey, I have no friends or social life*. People are judgemental.
I never thought I would end up in this position and it makes me feel so awfully unhappy, scared, alone, bored, and confused. A wide mix of negative emotions which sometimes threaten to swallow me whole. I feel like I deserve to be punished as I am quite clearly a flawed person who does everything wrong with people. I feel so jealous when I hear of other people going out on day trips and nights out. What I would give to do something like that. This is my biggest secret and no-one at work must know. In work I am a capable, strong and mature worker but at home I just fall apart and do all manner of self destructive things.
The scary thing is, I worry that things will never change for me. If it doesn't, I don't want to be here anymore.
deleted deleted
26-30
3 Responses Apr 21, 2011

Your situation's almost the exact same as mine. You are certainly not alone, dear! Do read my story too, in this section. :)

can have me as a friend :)

Thats what makes us all so unique,we are differant and have our own feelings and think differantly. I would love to be friends with you,if thats possible? Im more or less a loner myself,but I choose to be that way,for the simple fact that I seem to attract people that like to be controlling and feel that im young and naive and can be talked into anything,which is not the case. Your as good as the next person,you need to hold your head high and be proud of who and what you are.