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In Spite Of Myself

I guess we are supposed to "own it" when it comes to taking responsibility for things (usually bad). When it comes to good things that happen, we're supposed to be grateful as if we aren't worthy or couldn't be responsible for those. Seems to me, this might explain my perpetual feelings of guilt and worthlessness. I sit alone and cry alone, silent, nothing much here but broken dreams and regret.
I like to dream of being in love, really not much differently than when I was young. I like to dream of sitting with friends who are all understanding, caring and full of gentle laughter. I like to dream of looking in the mirror and liking what I see.
deleted deleted 26-30 8 Responses Apr 27, 2012

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Boy can I relate to this...unfortunately I don't feel that I have the ability to turn those dreams into reality. I'm so lonely but really have no motivation to try to meet people because I'm afraid I'll just be disappointed in the end :(

Being in love isn't always a good thing, especially if you have given your heart to the wrong person.

I read this poem68, and I really feel for you. I think the thing about taking responsibility cuts both ways, for the good and the bad, though I think we also need to factor-in that we can't control everything and sometimes on reflection we acted responsibly, and the outcome was unfavourable because it just is sometimes in life, not because we necessarily deserved it to be like that.<br />
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I get lonely too, a lot of the time, and find myself often disappointed when trying to connect with others. People too often seem too self-centred to want to really relate adequately with others. I think that's just part of the times we live in. Having said that, I think maintaining a compassionate outlook, and holding fast to what is important to oneself and being patient with that, might yield fruits in terms of good quality connections, if not a quantity of them.

Seems this is how I spend a lot of my time as well...

Dreams are like roadmaps....we will still get lost every once in a while, but eventually we learn how to read them correctly and our path becomes clear ! (by unknown)

I feel so so so much like you do. I have never felt so alone ever in my life, no matter how many others are around me. I have children, a close nit family, all local, and friends, but couldn't feel more alone than I do right now. I am so sorry that you feel this way. I wish like he'll that I was the only one to feel this kind of pain. I lost my husband, my right leg(due to blood clots), my job, an ex(love of my life boyfriend) who was separated(like the ink was dry on the paper) then he went back to his wife, and now just recently made a connection with someone and he refuses my texts, emails, and calls. All in an 8 month period. I know very seriously that I will likely never find a love again because I look likes hideous freak of nature due to losing my leg. I am destined to be alone forever. You on the other hand have a temporary situation. She will show up in your life. Mark my words my friend. If you are as introspective and deep as your comments, someone will fall head over heals for you. Do you want to place a friendly wager on it my friend??!!!

I hear your pain, and I understand it. But, like Wendy said, there will be someone. Most of the world needs a connection and by being so open and pure and raw, you will find that connection. And Miss Wendy, that goes for you too! :) *hugs*

*sigh* I have to tell you that I spend most of my non-working hours daydreaming of how "it could be". Welcome to the club sweet friend!! :)

Well. This started out a bit disjointed and I wasn't sure how I was feeling about it, then, you got deep, and it was suddenly a powerful piece of writing. I like it.