I Changed My Mind

I have a story now...
I cry.
I cry every day. I cry for a long time every day. I want him to notice. I want him to acknowledge that I am devastated. He needs to reassure me that things will be okay. He needs to tell me he's not mad at me and that he still loves me- but he doesn't.
He never notices. He never says anything.
And that just makes it worse.
So I just cry some more. By myself.
annasteve annasteve
36-40, F
3 Responses May 19, 2012

You are very right to feel so hurt. For a woman, there is practically nothing worse than being invalidated in your relationship, something that is a core need for women, but not so much for men (which is why they never validate.... they just don't understand).<br />
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When women are upset, they want their sig. other to validate that pain, even if they simply acknowledge it, or lend a listening ear. They want sympathy and empathy.<br />
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Men when they are upset, go away and "lick their wounds" by themselves until they're ready to come back, so when they see YOU do this, they think you WANT to be alone and ignored.<br />
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Men also have a hard time actively listening. A man's core need is to be Approved of and to be Needed. If he feels blamed or criticized, this is as bad as being invalidated to a women, though they usually react more angry than upset.<br />
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If you want to try and be more clear to him about your needs and try and help him understand, you need to approach him with sentences that start with non blaming phrases like "I feel... (explain your pain and hurt)" and "I need you to... (explain in simple terms what you really need from him, again as non blaming as possible). Be aware that he may try to "Fix" your problems once you start talking about them. Men often interrupt with their solutions because men are "Mr. Fix It's" and they think they are helping you by interrupting and offering a solution. From our side, it's rude to interrupt, and we don't really want their solutions, we want them to care. So from our side, they're being rude and uncaring, from their side, we've shunted aside their helpful answers. This is a common problem in marriages. If he tries the "Mr. Fix It" routine when you talk, try HARD to realize he does it because he loves you and is trying in his way to help. Let him know what you need most is for him to just listen, and not offer a solution. If he interrupts let him know as calmly and non blaming as possible that you feel hurt when you're interrupted. If he sees more of a NEED from you rather than blaming, he's more apt to respond.<br />
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I know, it's ridiculous to have to go through all of this just to have our needs met, but that is the compromise of marriage, to try and learn and grow from each other. Hopefully he'll respond and start to fulfill your needs better.<br />
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Also read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus... it changed my life.

i feel like this everyday :/

Really wish that would work- tried it before. That's a great profile pic, though.