My Self Destructive Behavior Is The Reason I'm So Alone

I sometimes i feel like the biggest failure in the world, even though consciously I know I've done far better with my life than many. I turned 30 this year, I have a relatively good job, could buy a car if i wanted but i still don't trust myself enough to drive despite having taken hundreds of lessons. I'm a monster procrastinator (logically i know this is just a manifestation of my fear of failure). I'm also desperately alone sometimes & on days when I'm at my lowest I feel like I will probably die alone one day.

I suck at attracting the guys who get my heart skipping beats, I'm a hermit so i don't go out much but at the same time i'm dead-freaked-out by the prospect of acquaintances seeing my photo on an online dating site & subliminally, online dating feels like admission of failure. Now knowing my warped mind my rejecting online dating is just another example of self sabotage.

I grew up as an only child so being alone has never been much of a bother for me. I've always had my head to retreat to & my thoughts to entertain me & of course TV, books, phone calls with my friends & other mindless forms of entertainment. These days my friends are getting married & having babies (something i'm not that interested in yet) So on those days when I'm feeling low & life feels bleak, I feel like extra sensitive abt the fact that i'm alone.

I'm not sure what the point of this essay was actually, I suppose it feels good to share anonymously in a space where you know you WONT be judged *Hint-Hint*

It's funny how amongst my friends, I'm supposed to be the hardcore one, the one who's nonchalant about love, the one who's always telling everyone to harden-the-***-up, the queen of no-emotion by day, who bares her soul on chat-rooms by night. Sad.