I Am Still Alone

For as long as I can remember all I have ever wanted was to fit in. Have a group of friends that would accept me. That I could just be myself with and it would all work. But sadly this never happened. The second thing I crave is someone to love. There is nothing more I want in this world then to have a girlfriend. It seems like every schmuck in this world has one but me. I have seen guys who beat up their women, guys who cheat on them. That's it, those two are the only categories out there.
I would say I'm a great guy. I respect women I would never hit them. I would say that I'm mildly attractive. So why don't I have a girlfriend??? I have spent 2 months off this year to ask 53 women out....you know how many rejections I got from them??? 53. What are the odds. That just totally broke me, I mean mathematically speaking I should have gotten at-least one out of 53. But alas I did not. I feel like the Elephant Man.

My confidence is at a all time low. I am 22 years old and I'm trying to get into college. I have been pretty unsuccessful so far. My mother yells at me and tells me that everyone is usually done with their studies at my age. That kills me. I have never had good grades because I was always too depressed to focus. I would just sit and imagine being in the cool a-holes group. Lately I can't even make eye contact with people. I shy away. I feel so damn alone all the time. Today, I texted 3 of my friends (I'm using that term loosely) and none of them replied. That is the story of my life. It's like I am supposed to suffer through this life alone, miserably and watch happy people for the rest of my life in tears.

I have these 3 cousins who I practically helped raise and they used to be my favorite people on the planet. They were more like my sisters than my cousins. The youngest one was my favorite person on the planet. When she was younger I would tell her bedtime stories and she would always run and hug me. It's these things that made my day. It made me forget how sad and lonely my life was. But since she turned 12 (2 years ago) it's like she's a different person. She hates me now. She never wants to talk to me. The last time I saw her, I hadn't seen her for 1.5 month.
And as soon as she saw me she yelled out "I have company I can't talk to you!"....I was stunned, atleast say hello........ I mean wth. I hugged her and she just stood there. It was the fakest hug I have ever received. I noticed that she is popular now. On facebook she averages about 50 likes and comments on her pictures and statuses. That and for a 14 year old she is out all night (her parents are fine with that btw).
I miss her terribly, she was the one person in the world who I thought I could turn to, who wouldn't judge me.
Now when she looks at me it's like I'm a super looser because I can't get a girlfriend. She has said that on multiple occasions lately. I have stopped text messaging her. My plan was to wait for her to text me back. But ofc here is the kicker, she never did and it's been 4 months. Yesterday her dad dropped by to help me with the sink ( sink didn't work) and she didn't even come up to the house. I mean what the hell!? It takes 2 seconds, she would rather sit in the car for 30 minutes than to come into my home and say hello.

I am so mad and dissapointed at her. If I had known that this is who she would grow up to be I would have never bothered telling her those hundreds of bedtime stories. I would have never helped her with her homework. Never given her medicine when she was sick or tucked her in before she slept. I would have never done all those things. Like everyone else in my life, she has left me.
Truth is I really miss her, but she doesn't miss me. No one ever misses me.
I have decided to cut her out of my life. I know she won't notice, she's too popular to notice.

nexus321 nexus321
22-25, M
8 Responses Sep 22, 2012

where are you?
what state?

Hang in there. I am sure you will find love. Don't quit.It's a good sign that you are networking on ep. The in crowd are jerks anyway. The right soul mate is worth waiting for.

I hope you're right.

No, man, you're not alone. Tons of people feel what you're feeling. Trust me when I say things are going to get better. I can't believe you're cousin would do that to you, though. It's downright disrespectful and rude. It's sort of sad to me that this is how my generation is turning out. If you'd like a girlfriend, maybe you could try a dating website. From what I've heard they seem to work pretty well. I'm sure you'll find a girlfriend soon :) Things will look up, I promise.-Sara

Thanks Sara. I really appreciate it.

Anytime :)

You're not alone...you just haven't found the right people to be with. Don't worry...it's a jungle out here. You rarely meet someone who could stay true and whom you can trust. It's hard to trust people now a days...and i hope you wont have to learn it the hard way. I know a lot of people but i don't consider them as friends...cos being a friend means a lot. I chose to be like this anyways and believe me, i am happier this way. Always remember the MOST people LOVE TO TALK! gossip, spread rumors, pull other people down so they'd feel better about themselves...misery loves company ya'know. You can't just meet people and eventually consider them as friends, it takes time. People can do nasty things behind your back...I know a lot of people who have huge circle of friends but end up fighting or just pretending to like each other---a lot of drama(you don't want that) so if i were you...go chat with people, get to know them better 1st before you ask them out or invite them to hang out or something.

Thanks for writing back. I do want to get to know more people but the problem is college doesn't start until August. So I don't really have an avenue to meet people. Where do I meet them? What do I say?

You see people everyday! you pass by them...you bump into them...you can smile, can't you? if they smile back, then it's a GO signal for you.

But they almost never smile. Esp women.

you'll find someone...right time=right person. It'll take so long if you keep waiting for it...it usually happens the least you expect it.

1 More Response

OMG this is such a sad story, and I can relate to it completely! The thing you're facing with your cousin now, I'm facing the same thing with my younger brother..!!!!! I lovingly carried him around in my arms when he was a baby, taught him his ABC's, took him for walks outside, played fun games with him, had meaningful conversations with, guided him in the right direction at every phase of his life, tried to set a good example on him etc. But today he is spoilt, disrespectful, uncooperative, even shows me the finger when he's frustrated, has gained enormous popularity with a huge friends circle (wow in that way he's totally opposite of me), and yeah...... I have become a piece of rubbish to him, a soft target for insults and to be kicked like trash everyday.

Thanks it feels better knowing someone out there is going through the same thing. I miss her a lot, I just don't get it. How can someone go from loving you to hating you so quick? I was like her favorite person in the world and now she acts like I don't even exist. I just don't understand you know?

I can understand ur situation. you are not alone, I can relate to ur story .

Don't get me wrong but if you have been rejected that many times there is something different about you that you may not be aware of and it's worth to think about it. My point being is that you are perhaps too philosophical, esoteric, introspective, smart, distracted, intense, shy, repress, resented, anxious, hyper/hypo, depress, etc. Whatever the answers are and your circumstances, I'll be proactive and focus the problem as a real project to resolve. All those girls are looking for particular trades (beauty, popularity, looks, money, cars, intelligence or not) You may want to consider reshaping your personality to fit into that so you can have more success dating. Your case was my case in first year of college but I analyzed the situation and the remaining years of my single life were a real pleasure. I can reassure you that looks/money little to do with that. be positive and start working on your pet project. Good luck!

Hey man I feel ya...You sound identical to me. I've given up on asking them out. If they only know ..."no", then screw em. So many of these dumb ******* stay with guys that treat them like ****! I dont mean to call all females *******, but you see my point. Im out here too, and I feel im not that ugly too, no one even knows Im here and available. I have 2 cousins that are only 1 state away and NEVER hear from them. I dont know why I check my email everyday, there is never anything there 'cept, you know--junk.
Im here if you need a friend, just be glad we have the "net" I didnt have that when I was your age. I would also love to hear from the females out there as to why there are nice guys out there, and you stay with an *******.

Hey man, thanks. I feel better knowing there is someone out there who gets what I'm going through.

Your welcome!! It feels good to brighten someones day!

Be sure to add me as friend!