I Am Still AloneFor as long as I can remember all I have ever wanted was to fit in. Have a group of friends that would accept me. That I could just be myself with and it would all work. But sadly this never happened. The second thing I crave is someone to love. There is nothing more I want in this world then to have a girlfriend. It seems like every schmuck in this world has one but me. I have seen guys who beat up their women, guys who cheat on them. That's it, those two are the only categories out there.
I would say I'm a great guy. I respect women I would never hit them. I would say that I'm mildly attractive. So why don't I have a girlfriend??? I have spent 2 months off this year to ask 53 women out....you know how many rejections I got from them??? 53. What are the odds. That just totally broke me, I mean mathematically speaking I should have gotten at-least one out of 53. But alas I did not. I feel like the Elephant Man.
My confidence is at a all time low. I am 22 years old and I'm trying to get into college. I have been pretty unsuccessful so far. My mother yells at me and tells me that everyone is usually done with their studies at my age. That kills me. I have never had good grades because I was always too depressed to focus. I would just sit and imagine being in the cool a-holes group. Lately I can't even make eye contact with people. I shy away. I feel so damn alone all the time. Today, I texted 3 of my friends (I'm using that term loosely) and none of them replied. That is the story of my life. It's like I am supposed to suffer through this life alone, miserably and watch happy people for the rest of my life in tears.
I have these 3 cousins who I practically helped raise and they used to be my favorite people on the planet. They were more like my sisters than my cousins. The youngest one was my favorite person on the planet. When she was younger I would tell her bedtime stories and she would always run and hug me. It's these things that made my day. It made me forget how sad and lonely my life was. But since she turned 12 (2 years ago) it's like she's a different person. She hates me now. She never wants to talk to me. The last time I saw her, I hadn't seen her for 1.5 month.
And as soon as she saw me she yelled out "I have company I can't talk to you!"....I was stunned, atleast say hello........ I mean wth. I hugged her and she just stood there. It was the fakest hug I have ever received. I noticed that she is popular now. On facebook she averages about 50 likes and comments on her pictures and statuses. That and for a 14 year old she is out all night (her parents are fine with that btw).
I miss her terribly, she was the one person in the world who I thought I could turn to, who wouldn't judge me.
Now when she looks at me it's like I'm a super looser because I can't get a girlfriend. She has said that on multiple occasions lately. I have stopped text messaging her. My plan was to wait for her to text me back. But ofc here is the kicker, she never did and it's been 4 months. Yesterday her dad dropped by to help me with the sink ( sink didn't work) and she didn't even come up to the house. I mean what the hell!? It takes 2 seconds, she would rather sit in the car for 30 minutes than to come into my home and say hello.
I am so mad and dissapointed at her. If I had known that this is who she would grow up to be I would have never bothered telling her those hundreds of bedtime stories. I would have never helped her with her homework. Never given her medicine when she was sick or tucked her in before she slept. I would have never done all those things. Like everyone else in my life, she has left me.
Truth is I really miss her, but she doesn't miss me. No one ever misses me.
I have decided to cut her out of my life. I know she won't notice, she's too popular to notice.