I Put This On Myself

my life is/was actually good. i had/have good parents and brother and sisters. We moved a few times as we were growing up and i started to hate it as i had to make new friends everywhere i went and finally i stopped trying. i figured what was the point we would just move again, so i started to get an additude about life and friends and family. i didn't care anymore. when i was about 15 i started to have a sexual relationship with my sister ( we never had sex) but we did fool around alot and i would want more and more of her, she hated it after a while and asked to stop and i thought it was a game but she was serious and finally i did stop and for many years she didn't trust me she would always flinch when i was in a room alone with her or she would quickly leave the room when i was there, now it is better but i do still fantise about her. i had girfriends and actual friends when i was that age and actually had fun as well. what turned it was we moved again this time really far away and i was so mad that i stopped trying and eventually i was super alone and now i have anixoty and depression and i have 0 friends and i fill my day with **** and ************ about my sister because she is the only that i have seen naked in real life and it turns me on to think about her. I am a chrisitan and i have faith in GOD so i feel even worse when i do these things and sometimes i feel like i am being punshied for things i have done in my life. I almost think i have a slight bi-polar because i will go from happy to extreme sadness but it won't be from one minute to the another it is more like months at a time

I have been living here now for 9 years the most i have ever stayed in one place my whole life. and it is sad to say i have no one to talk to, people try to be my friends and i push them away and i think now it is too late and people do not want to try to be my friend. i do not know what to do anymore because i over think things and over anlize things and it is always a negitive not a positive and just as i think something is going good my brain and my personality comess into play and i get myself overworked and get phyiscally ill because of all the worring i do and i can't take it anymore. i pray everyday and sometimes more than that to get myself in a better place and try to get friends and when the oppertunity is their i choke and i back out or i try to make an excuse not to hang out with people. why do i do this to myself? I have no dreams in my life and i honestly feel like i have no hope either and it seems like the one who knows is quite and wont talk to me (thats GOD) but i know that is not true because GOD loves me but it is hard to live day to day when you are so alone i am a man and i cry myself to sleep sometimes and i cried today thinking of how alone i truly am. i know some people in my life care about me but something is blocking me from them and blocking me from my life. it is me i am doing this to myself but i don't know how to be positive anymore. i have been to 4 different coulsers and theirpists in my life and they have said the same thing, you put to much pressure on yourself and over think things and you say only if i had this or have that then i would be happy which is true i do not know how to be happy right now. Please if you are someone of faith please pray for me to find my way in life that i can find hope and peace and love in my life that i can say NO to **** and to sexual thoughts of my sister that i can stay true to the word of GOD and finally be happy and healty and find friends in my life and maybe one day a wife to love

thank you
Justme201 Justme201
Nov 27, 2012