Its So Quiet, But The Screaming Won't Stop

Another day, just me at home, alone. Its so quiet. Boring even. Its been like this since December. Nothing but empty time to fill with thoughts. The dreaded memories come flooding back & start screaming until I turn on the TV again. I go make a coffee. I sit and watch TV until my eyes tire out. Yet another movie. Another reminder that I'm so alone. That I don't have what "most" have - that loved & wanted feeling. I used to like soaking in a hot bath, but thats just more empty time to fill with dreaded thoughts.

I want to tell someone how desperately lonely I am, how depressed it makes me feel, how I don't see the point in going on, but I can't tell anyone. I tried over the years and just get told the same things - that don't help. Someone else has it worse so I should be grateful for what I have. I shouldn't be so negative. I should see the positive. Or like the Dr says, take your happy pills...

I'm sick of hearing it. Just because someone else has it worse doesn't make my life and my problems any less damaging to me. Shame for them and I feel for them, but it does nothing to help me. All I get from hearing others tell their woes is that there is something wrong with me for feeling the way I do. Which in turn makes me feel even worse than I started with.

And grateful. So simply because I have a roof over my head, I have my material things around me, I should be automatically "happy" with life? As if thats all it took huh. I have no job at the moment, my savings are running out. So all that stuff is temporary anyway.

Negative... I've been told this since childhood. "You're so negative". I never liked being told that. I never meant to be or ever intended on being negative. I like you, am what I am naturally. Why should I always be condemed for the way I am. Life has made us what we are & if thats negative, then so be it. I accept people for who they are, but would you beleive... I have yet to meet anyone who accepts me for the true me. The only way to not be seen this way is for me to act. I have to physically put on a fake act so people don't see the real me. So I don't have to endure the endless "yr so negative" "you should be more positive" "why see it like that?, try see it like this" what they're all really saying is "become a clone of me overnight".

I try see the positives. I try hard but it does not come to me naturally. Its a real effort for me. I see the reality of what has happened. If you see it through rose tinted glasses, then go ahead, spin it like you want, twist it like you want, con yourself however you want so you sleep better at night, but reality is reality. It doesn't change what happened.

So I've never felt more alone in all my life. I'm 40 in a few weeks. I can't even face the farce of putting on a fake smile to invite people to join me in fake celebrating. Celebrating this lonely existence for yet another year while good people, people who have genuine loving family, children that love them, people and friends that depend on them, who want them, good people are dying every day. Why do I get to exist in this misery when people like that are taken. I'm jealous of them. If I were to go I'd have no more worries about an income, about being so misunderstood, about not having anyone to love me for who I am, about not having anyone to want me, or need me. It'd be pure utter bliss to be gone from this cruel, hurtful world.

And if only there were a pill to make it all go away... Drs are so diluded...

The curse of memories scream louder. I used to be popular, used to have loads of friends & people around me, used to be blissfully unaware of those realities I see now. I probably used to have a good sense of humour about it all too. I married a man who in retrospect was never in love with me. I did my best to make it work, did my nut to make him want me or need me. I had surgery to lose weight to make myself more attractive for him to come near me physically. I had bought 4 brand new luxury dresses from the January Sales still hanging in my wardrobe a year later, never worn, because my own husband never took me anywhere. 8 years of lonesome marriage, with 6 months of therapy under my belt, 4 stone lighter, (30kg) I ended it because I was more alone with him than I was by myself.

I met what I thought was the love of my life, my soul mate, a year and half later. He said all wonderful things to me that I'd waited my entire life to hear from a loved one. He was in love with me, he loved me, needed me, wanted me, couldn't get enough of me, we connected on such a spiritual level too, 8 utterly blissful months later, in my mind - out of the blue, he dumped me. I was so blinded by love & being in love & being the happiest I'd ever been in this life that I didn't see it coming. He left me. Devistated. Crushed. Destroyed. Maybe it was him, he was diagnosed bipolar.

3 years on and I can't find the will to go through any of that again.

So whats left? I used to find joy in things. Holidaying was my thing. Loved doing that, going to new places, exploring, meeting people, trying new foods... I traveled for 6 months around the world, on my own. It wasn't as much fun. I wouldn't recommend it highly. Its just as lonely, no matter where you are. I have no desire whatsoever now to do any of that again. Cant face sitting at a table for one for dinner. Cant face going to a bar/pub alone.

So whats left? Find a job... of course. I'll have a reason to get out of bed most days, I'll earn money to pay for this blessed roof. I'll even meet more fake people there, put on my fake face & try become "fakely" popular again - go out for fake drinks, fake dinners. Hey, I might even meet Mr Fake & he might even like me... they always seem to like the fake me... so long as I keep up the act.
trae40 trae40
36-40, F
4 Responses Jan 16, 2013

I want to give you a hug

You have a broken heart and only time will heal it. I hope things will change for you.

It has been so painful to read what you have gone through, how your emotions have been hurt. Expressing yourself here has been helpful I hope. How has the day been.

I'm am so sorry you have to go through this.