Alone

I'm 19 and feel completely disconnected from everyone I know. I put on a different persona to my family acting cheerful and such (sometime I think I'm bad at hiding it though)...Like the person my family knows is a fake and they have never known the real me...I am losing what friends I had during high school...they call me less and less to do things and I don't blame them because when they do I am very socially akward and distant from them, even when I try my hardest to enjoy myself and be their friends I can't and I think I'm just a downer to them...

It wasn't always this bad. i wasn't exactly happy all the time but at least I could find joy in life...untill the one person I trusted and the only person I've ever had a serious relationship with broke my heart a little over a year ago and sent me into this hellish isolation.

The only two things that help me cope anymore are movies and weed...I know the weed isn't healthy, but I smoke it a lot know because when I do I don't feel so damn lonely and depressed. It numbs everything for me and I can get through the day...I've been doing it a lot lately and I'm scared that soon it won't be enough and I'll start doing dangerous drugs. I don't want that to happen, but I am a weak person and I know in my heart that I'm on that path.

I go to the movies alone almost every day...I don't even care whats playing it just lets me live in another world for two hours at a time.

I just want someone to appear and say "It's alright now, I'll be with you" and make everything better but I know that will never happen unless I make an effort to form relationships, but I have a crippling fear of approaching people so that's not really an option...I don't know what to do. I don't feel like I want to kill myself or I even could if I wanted to...but I feel more alone every day.

ohwellokay ohwellokay
18-21
4 Responses Feb 9, 2009

I am in the same situation. I have isolated myself from everyone. I want so badly to love and be loved and it is just tearing me apart. My heart is wrenched with overwhelming heart ache. I wake up and go to bed crying. I do everything I can to drown out the constant thoughts, and yes, movies seem to be the only thing that really does that. I like the fact that this despair actually enables me to write and paint, but there is no one to share it with. No one to understand. No one to listen. No one to care. No one. Here is a poem I wrote.<br />
<br />
INSIDE<br />
<br />
Chaos <br />
turmoil<br />
everywhere and nowhere <br />
never slowing <br />
never ending<br />
drained, desolate<br />
empty despair 
I am limitless yet bound<br />
Spiraling down<br />
into the darkness<br />
an emotional limbo<br />
surrounded by nothingness<br />
wrapped in aloneness<br />
still falling<br />
ever yearning<br />
an endless abyss

Get busy...and i mean get out there and start trying things...not drugs, but...surfing...painting...reading...canoeing...anything that takes up your time, teaches you something and creates a new or pleasurable experience. Because you are right...you dont want to end up turing to other drugs...and 2 hours a day in an activity that still isolates you from life is no good to you right now. you need to get out and use your hands, wear off some nervous energy...find out who you are...and surround yourself with people that have the same interests....there are many different types of people in this world and nothing quite so lonely as feeling isolated because you dont feel a sense of accomplishment and you don't know who your "peeps" are. There's only one way to find out...try...try...and try some more until one day you look up and realize that you have been so busy living that you left lonliness behind. I heard someone once say "yeah..but i'm afraid"...well then...do it afraid..walk through that fear until you reach the other side where there is no fear.

It will turn around for you.<br />
<br />
There is so much waiting in the world for you and it won't go away. Those things will be patient and wait for you.<br />
<br />
These feelings you are having may take a while to pass and it probably would help you to see a doctor, but they probably will pass with help from others and time.<br />
<br />
And remember you definitely aren't alone.

I'm so glad you came here and wrote your story. You are not alone. I'm here. I can't promise everything will be ok but if you message me, we can chat. There are so many things you can do to find joy in your life again. Please talk to someone and get some help. You shouldn't have to put on an act with your family. They love you and want to see what is best for you. That is what families are all about.