I Absolutely Hate to Admit It

It is my darkest secret yet it isn't really a secret at all.  I simply hate admitting the obvious.  I am terribly, terribly alone.  I believe in a way that it contrivutes a great deal towards the sense of depression.


I have never before made an outright admission like this.  I have always tried to cover it up  with other forms of emotion. 


I believe I come across as an outgoing individual who gets out there and tries everything.  Yet inside I feel so empty and isolated.  Of course there are people out there that have these problems.  I am the first to admit I am not the only one.  It makes me feel a little better understanding that these people do exist and everyone has their own reasons.


Sometimes I find myself checking my emails and rechecking my emails and checking them again. 


It is very difficult to break the mind set.  There is a realizatioh that it is merely a mind set and that one needs to challenge it and fight it from taking over the entire self.


There are times when I say to myself...I can not go on...I do not wish to go on....  But when you go to bed on your own and wake up on your own you end up living  on your own.


When I was ten I had what doctors thought was a viral infection.  I lost  a significant portion of my sight and hearing and balance / coordination.  This set me up as very different.  After the illness I learnt to walk and talk and eat and drink again but there remained  residual nerval damage.


Because of these problems my ability to socialize effectively has been minimal.  My friends went to different schools and I never really caught up with them again


My family was incredible and I have done so much with them.  I have traveled estensively,  cruised the pacific on the family yacht, canoed and sailed..etc.


I went to university and did a degree in information technology. There I was introduced to the internet and my horizons opened up significantly.  Through the internet I have made many friends.  This is a truly amazing thing for me as I thought I would never have friends.  The downside to internet friends is that they are more often than not beyond ones physical proximity.


At thirty I met a girl and moved to a different country to be with her.  Four years down the track and things came to a sticky end for the relationship.I live fairly close and see my two sons on a regular basis which I am oh so grateful for.  They give me life...and all that sort of thing.  But when they go Isink to a level where sometimes I do not want to go outside.


From being in a really active life with supporting family around I find myself so deeply alone.  I feel trapped because .  I can not drive.  The place where I live is beautiful but it has few facilities that cater for people with hearing or sight difficulties


Last year I nearly married an american woman just to have someone around.  I have no idea why but she made me feel emotionallly ill.  She called me names and so forth.  I decided I just could not do it.


Unfortunately I am in a position where I am unable to work.  I did do a massage course and love doing massage but it is very tiring.  My hearing is such that I am unable to hear on the telephone.


It is so hard sometimes I feel like screaming.  I know alot of it is a mindset but I am not sure what I can do to break it and feel happy.  I am happy sometimes.  I guess that is alot.  I do have alot and I have done far more than the average person...it is simply demoralising being in this situation day in day out trying to be happy with what I have.


If you are still reading this I commend you....I know we all have our problems and I was blown away to read of others life experiences.


I know I know chin up and keep smiling.....and so I will.

junglejive junglejive
36-40, M
3 Responses Feb 15, 2009

hi there, i read your story, would love to keep in touch.. you have inspired me ...proudparront@gmail.com

Reaching out to help others like you do with massage, is the best thing to do when feeling alone. We are really never alone. Meditate and begin to feel the Love of the Universe all around you.<br />

I get stuck in the checking and rechecking emails too. Unlike you, I'm not an outgoing person. Most of my friends are virtual. But I can be in a crowd and feel terribly alone.