What Am I Supposed to Do?

I don't know where to start?

I've never really spoken to anyone about myself before and now I feel like I'm going to burst!

I am 19 years old and nobody knows who I really am? I mean nobody. Not my family not my colleagues not even my best friend.

I have always lived to what has been expected of me.  When everyone meets me I'm a funny happy go lucky girl. I'm always smiling and talking animatedly.

But I'm getting tired of it.  I'm getting tired of acting so happy all the time.  I'm not saying I want to be a miserable cow all the time.  I just want to be able to vent out some times.  I just want to talk to some one about what really is happening in my life without worrying about being judged.

But as it is I have no one that I can tell. Because of my religion and my culture and the responsibilities that I have.  My family is very religious and I'm not comfortable or close enough to any of my colleagues to share my feelings with them

As for my best friend. Recently I have found that I am attracted to her.  I can't help it every time i see her I get butterflies in my stomach.  I try and dress to impress her.  I even got in very big trouble to cover for her.

But now she's getting married and I have to go through the torture of picking out the wedding dress of the women I love.

I can't tell her for fear of losing her as my friend.

of course because of my religious upbringing I can't exactly tell anyone else either.

I am women who is attracted to other women. 

My family would kill me if they found out.  I am not exaggerating.  They would rather have a dead daughter than a gay daughter.

I just feel so alone. 

But I still have to go around with a smile on my face because that's whats expected of me.  I'm the nice girl who always makes everyone laugh.


I just want a friend. A real friend.

hk261 hk261
18-21, F
2 Responses Mar 15, 2009

Its all part of finding out who we really are and that kinda goes on for most of our lives. Watch out for religion it can screw u up big time unless its the truth.

i felt exactly like you except my est friend was a guy who i grew up wit and then moved away i found him 4 years ago and he was in a very loving relationship which suddenly ended few weeks ago.im the happy bubbly part girl everyone wants to be friends wit but a few years ago my unhappiness poured out of me and i lost everything my life, my boyfriend,my job, and nearly my family but everything soon came good.If your feelings for this person are true and you feel the need to reveal them you have to be prepared for the reaction you will get