I Want To Scream!

my family has been crumbling for a while now. I have been able to be strong because I had to be strong. I could not let my three year old son see me cry. But today is different. Today my son's father texted me poetry off the top of his head and it broke me. I sent him a long text about how I felt and his answer was that he'll leave me alone and won't bother me any more. But that's not what I want. I know I don't want to be alone. And I know I am so scared of never finding anyone else. I've always fallen into relationships. I don't know how to meet people. I have a son now. Who is ever going to want me now? I'm nobody. None of my "friends" call me anymore. They were people I knew through him. So now what. I am worn paper thin and i am alone and my soul feels like it's tearing in two. I just want to scream into the void and hope that someone hears me and hears my pain and has some way to put the pieces of me back together again.


So I've gotten a couple of comments and I appreciate them. But I have to make something clear. He is using Meth! I don't want to be with him the way he is. It is not healthy for me or our son. I left him because of this. But I still love him. I wish things were different. When we were together he never spoke poetry. He never did all these sweet things he has been doing since we split. I know it is because he loves me. But it hurts!

NoWhereToGoButUp NoWhereToGoButUp
36-40, F
15 Responses Jan 19, 2010

NWTGBU, I am happy to hear that this feeling has passed. I have no doubt that things will get better for you. I am sure when the time is right, you will meet the person you can have a healthy relationship with. And they will love your son as well. :)

Thank you raven for your warm words. This feeling has since passed but it is always good to know other people understand what I was feeling.

Yes indeed you are doing the right thing.<br />
The pain involved in doing the right thing is tremendous, having a small child makes it more difficult to bear.<br />
I had to give up a relationship of 9 years because alcohol was her first love. I am deeply in love with who she is and cannot be near what she does to herself. It would kill me first.<br />
You have done the right thing.<br />
My daughter has two boys and her marriage broke up because he is addicted to emotionally beating up everyone around him, including his sons. No physical violence. My daugher has an 8 year old son who is in day-treatment for emotional behavioral disorders that have turned violent. Her two year old is being potty trained. She is going nuts! She's often too exhausted to ask for help. Oh, her mother is not the AA potential I mentioned above, she's supportive and lives close by, I am five hours away.<br />
You have done the right thing, is not enough for a healthy self-image. It still tears at you that little voice that pulls you back into the past and then throws the bleak future into your face. It is the terror of Scrooge with the ghost of the future.<br />
The future just does not exist. Never has. The past does not exist. It's all gone. It leaves us only now.<br />
What goes on around you is full of color, life, moving air, blood cursing through your veins, life is you!<br />
Someone will be there for you. Expect it! Someone extraordinary will enter and you will know. You already have an extraordinary little human to share with. There are more special wonderful people out there. Take a walk. Slow down. Smile a lot and be extraordinary yourself.<br />
I send you the love of a grandpa who knows the difficulty you are facing and prayers to speed it along the way.<br />
Love yourself better than anyone else!

Thanks clothos. Your words warm my heart. It is always good to hear that you are not alone.

**hugs**.......I can relate to what you are going through.......the father of my four year old had been a raging alcoholic........and I had to let go....it hurt then........it still hurts.....things I can't go into right now.......but you seem like you are a strong woman, so hold on to that..........it is okay to check on him to make sure he is okay, but you don't have to let him live with you so that your son will not be around that......sometimes we just need a friend to empathize with us.........

Wow. Thanks wynter. I needed to head that. Sometines I forget the stuff that really matters.

My heart breaks to read your words.I feel your pain and can only say that I know from experience it is NOT your fault that he can't get clean.This isn't about you honey,it is about him.I thought the same way you did and sometimes I still do.If I was better?If he loved me enough?Why couldn't I of all people help him get off the booze and drugs?This way of thinking will only leave your self esteem in the trash where his drug use and behavior sent it in the first place.You sound like a strong,sweet,extended,caring and warm woman.Not to mention a wonderful mother!Don't beat yourself up,you did the right thing for your son and yourself.You are young,you will find love again in time.You need time to build yourself back up and to get over this.To find out and know who you are now while you have this time alone.I commend you for setting such healthy boundaries with him as well as for your son and self.I did the same,however I jumped right into another relationship.I was alone,heartbroken and scared.I didn't look for it although I did want it and accepted,he chose me,came on strong full speed ahead.He constantly wooed me with his charms,candy,gifts,flowers etc.He didn't leave me be for an hour.I should have known.I was being selfish,yet thought it was good for my child.It only added more confusion and pain to a fragile young mind that couldn't understand what or why any of this was happening to begin with.I hate myself for this.So be careful and take time for you and your son.Watch out for the charmers who come on too strong in the beginning,drinkers,druggers who claim they're clean(No offense.Some really are)men who tell you the same has been done to them.Take my word for it this will only save you more heartache and much worse,in the long run.We tend to be attracted to what we're familiar with,without even realizing it.If you ever need to chat,I'm here for ya.Keep your head up!You're going to be just fine.And you're not alone you have the love of your son and no one will ever love you more!{{{Hugz}}}

Wow! Thanks to everyone who had shown support. I wish there were people like you guys in my town. I don't think people like you exist here. Thanks.

Well said, and thank you.

Meth changes the rules. Without question. ~ Wow sweetheart. I am glad you have a soft heart that cares for him; it's part of what makes you valuable, your caring heart. Things WILL get better and your pain will subdue. It's terrible when you love someone who is wrong to love, but I believe 100% that you ARE doing the right thing by Your Self and your Son. If he wanted to get straight, he would because it has to come from within. You can not save anyone who doesn't want to be saved, or even someone who wants to be saved, we have to take the steps ourselves, towards freedom. It's a tremendous task in Life. You 'save' yourself. Be patient. I hope you can surround with people with good energies. EP can be very helpful. There are a lot of beautiful people here. You have a good insight into your situation, which is very valuable too. Feel the pain, don't fight it, welcome it; it will go away on its own. Until then, we are here for You. You can always curl up and cry a little until it subsides. I find it so amazing that we can be in such despair and then also experience some joy in the same Day, and I am not talking about a mental chemical imbalance, just the way emotions wash over us. We are not our emotions. We are the Observers. With care. Hug, Ev

Meth is really bad news. You and your son are better off alone for now, you'll find someone in time.

So I've gotten a couple of comments and I appreciate them. But I have to make something clear. He is using Meth! I don't want to be with him the way he is. It is not healthy for me or our son. I left him because of this. But I still love him. I wish things were different. When we were together he never spoke poetry. He never did all these sweet things he has been doing since we split. I know it is because he loves me. But it hurts!

My ex and I split up because He started using Methamphetamines again. I am not pushing him away. I don't have the strength to try to see him through it again. But at the same time I need to know he is alright. I need to know that he is alive and well. That is why I keep in contact with him. He is the father of my son. I have set up boundaries with him but I am still raw. It still hurts that I was unable to "save" him. I know that that was another impossible thought on my part but it still hurts.

I feel for you and your pain. It seems to me that perhaps you might be inflicting unnecessary pain on your heart at this time. And the question to explore is WHY. Why are you doing this to yourself. When you MOST need this person, you push him away and this is in response to something being dysfunctional in your mind and disconnected from The Reality, which most often eludes us all. Please be wise. Because, in the end, it's only Us and our Source of Life, and no one can help us when we are at the level you speak of. Your perception of Your Self is wrong right now; most people's is, my own included. I wish on you Light and the highest degree of awakening that you might be able to take in at this time of crisis. Don't self-destruct, or you will self-destruct, no one will stop You, and that is both very sad and unnecessary. A big big sisterly Hug, Ev

hi there i feel so sorry for you, is not very nice to be on your own with no hope. i would love to hear from you at any time day or night.