Birthday Woes

OK I'm back again and feeling sad. Not covered in tears yet but give me time :) God I'm so pathetic. Well here's the story this time. It was my Birthday yesterday (yay!) and my husband has gotten me a lovely gift, cooked me a breakfast in bed, then put a few bits of party food on the table for dinner. I suggested going out to a boot fair in the morning as I don't like staying at home on my birthday as its just the same old routine where I'm expected to think of the entertainment. After getting back I suggested watching a film my young daughter would like, then my husband decided to mow the lawn getting a phonecall from his sister during requesting money for his Dad's headstone. Then it just turned into the same old weekend day we always have. I'm expected to think of something to do. Thats the point I dont want to have to think of things all the time. I am forever scouring newspapers or the internet trying to find something to get us out of the house that doesnt cost much.  Of course a massive row ensued because in his words I 'wasnt looking enthusiastic.'  I tried explaining that I loved the parts of the day he had planned , but I just knew the rest of it would be him running around doing odd jobs whilst I had to entertain our 4 year old. There is only so much I can sit and repeat what shes told me to say whilst holding the doll before I feel like I'm going to go mad. He doesnt see birthdays as being that important but am I asking too much that he plans something so that I dont have to? The cooked breakfast in bed was lovely but more of a him thing, and the picnic table was something we do every year, and if I hadnt suggested going out we would have been sat around all day just looking at each other.

I havent had a holiday for several years now as we havent gotten much money and he sunk my idea of going on one of the Sun 9.50 holidays, but he still goes away for the odd weekend (not many) mountainboarding at his brothers place.

He accused me of thinking only of myself yesterday and whatever he's done is not good enough, I accept that I could have been more tactful but this is coming from the guy who on my second ever mothers day (the first was spent at my mum's) didnt acknowledge or celebrate it in anyway because at that time he was fighting with his mother.

I feel like theres a big hole inside of me just filled with sadness :( I suffer with depression and panic attacks which I keep well under control most of the time but which tend to flare under these circumstances.

I know that being reminded of his Dad brings up emotions and as soon as I heard the phonecall I knew but still.... :(


I havent explained things too well this time as I have decided to medicate with alcohol but hopefully you get the gist.