Why Do We Keep Our Anger a Secret?

I am furious with my husband. I have been for weeks, maybe months or years. I don't know where to start so I'll start with this evening. I was online looking for a job and he came in the bedroom obviously exhausted and ready to go to bed. So I logged off the computer, shut off the iights, and went to the bed to give him a kind and gentle kiss goodnight. I was not ready to go to bed so I was vacating the bedroom so he could rest in peace. He responded to my kiss at first as if he was going to ignore it altogether and then he just pulled away or recoilled, as if absolutely repulsed. I left the room but made no attempt to shut the door quietly. He works way too hard. He is not making enough money to pay bills right now. I am not employed but feverishly searching for a job. I feel bad for him that he is so exhausted and for all his hard work he is still short on money. He can be a jerk - a real jackass. We've been married for twenty eight years but the last five have been a nightmare for a marriage. He is a control freak fanatic and I have no access to any money he makes unless he gives it to me. I don't even kinow where his checking account is anymore and we don't have a joint checking account as of last month because he could no longer afford to put money in it for me to buy groceries, gas, prescriptions, etc. I guess I'm just a sucker. But I have a masters degree - yes, and I cannot get hired because I have stayed home being a housewife for years. I'm smart but no one is smart enough to see that without a former employer to rub their nose in it. I am so angry. And anger is not a particularly healthy thing for a heart patient. I have had a heart attack. I have serious heart disease. But since last month I no longer have health insurance. He couldn't make the payments anymore so he let it go. He tells me he'll never be able to insure me again so I have to go to work somewhere that offers benefits. Am I missing something? Am I just a blithering idiot. Is anyone out there listening? Do you have any wisdom to pass my way? I could really use some friendly guidance right now.

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18 Responses Jan 13, 2009

It sounds like you are more angry at the situation than you are at your husband. If you found a job with insurance and things were better financially would you still feel so angry? Maybe you could take any job just to earn enough to pay for insurance and a few extras for yourself. I'm sure your husband is feeling like he has failed you and is too proud to discuss it with you. After all, he has been the breadwinner for a long time and now he's having a tough time making it, could it be the poor economy? Try and figure out what you are really angry about, and try to discuss the full situation with your husband. Talking things out can help a great deal if you are both coming from a place of love. As Ann Landers used to say, "are you better off with or without him"?

I feel the same way. my husband had a great job being a general manager and because of his arrogant smart *** mouth got fired. He finally found a job and makes less in 2 weeks than he did in 1week I am so disgusted and angry with him. To make things worse, I moved away from my Texas home in search of his dream with one condition. I would not have to work. Now I'm looking for a job. I live 1200 miles away from my family and hate my life.

My heart goes out to you...my husband earns less per week than I do per day but won't help with housework unless I have an argument with him first. Some men are a waste of space. If you want to chat to vent steam feel free to email me'. Blessings to you. Love and hugs Momamoo 

Hey plenty of work in Australia and a real shortage of workers and wages are a lot better than in the USA believe we made the move

Hey plenty of work in Australia and a real shortage of workers and wages are a lot better than in the USA believe we made the move

Good luck - if you keep knocking on doors one will open for you- it's just that you need to keep your spirits up! Not easy in a difficult marriage. Especially if you're not well. I have to ask the question … do you think your husband is planning to leave? Is that why he's not having his salary put into the joint account? Try to take care of yourself! I wish you every blessing for happiness.

sweetie he's beyond jerk! ?How much do you mean to him? it doesnt sound like very much. i know I am angry at my husband right now but he at least has insurance for me and takes care of our bills and drives me to work. the best thing that you have going for you is that degree. run with it! go back and get a job and support yourself. show him he needs you not that you need him.

No advice but remember you have a huge range of valuable current skills from being a homemaker. Consider some voluntary work to get something current on your cv too. Good luck and may god be with you.

I could not believe my story is exactly same as your story except the money part because I have every right to spend money<br />
Other than that, last 6 to 7 years, life has been a night mare to live with him<br />
we dont sleep together anymore because I feel disgusted to sleep with someone even if it is your spouse when you hate that person so much and I am so mad whenever I look at him and I am trying very hard to keep it cool but nothing seems like working<br />
My biggest issue is I am very afraid to live alone and two times I left the home, but he brought me back.<br />
i am not strong enough to say I wont come back<br />
There is so much to say because it is story of 1000 pages and I have no words right now<br />
simply frustrated with the life

people may not like what im about to say but if it doesnt bother u u can try it. look for a job where u know u have the skills for and come up with companies for ur resume. they will not call the employer. if they do, give ur friend's number n warn them. nobody takes graduates seriously. they all want u to have experience when noone gives u the chance to start somewhere in order to have it.

You are right that it only takes one to murder a relationship. I am only 32 and am in my second marriage. My first relationship was like your marriage, but it went bad faster. I pray that you will find the strength in god to allow god to heal your heart and help you to forgive him so that you can really move on. You need to forgive your ex husband and release yourself from the pain. You don't need to be friends with him, but only friendly. forgiveness is for you not for him, it will help you see the future for the hope that it is, not bringing up pains from the past. You do need to let yourself feel the pain of the past though. Try and allow yourself time everyday or atleast every week to feel what you feel. Cry, scream, hit something and feel your pain, then leave that room and leave all the pain behind so you can tackle your days with vigor and love. <br />
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May the Lord Bless you and keep you in his graces..

I feel for you. It's not easy to love someone and have them treat you badly in return.<br />
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But I'm also happy that you have found someone to share your life. Just remember that no one can make you whole and happy......this is what you must learn to give yourself.<br />
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Good luck and take care.

Don't let the pain of the marriage/divorce wreck yourself and this marriage. There's a lot of give and take in marriage. Anger can be deadly. A method of dealing with anger, it may work, it may not. Write a comprehensive list of EVERYTHING bad that's ever been done to you and how it made you feel, then a list of what you've done to cause anyone pain. When it's done, read it with an open heart. Know that everyone makes mistakes in this life, but a peaceful life is possible. You can't go forward if you're always look back at the past.<br />
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Then, BURN IT. As it goes up in smoke, imagine that all insults are evaporating and thank God for a new beginning in life.

very sad<br />
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i hope u find everything that u want in ur new relationship

Hi there<br />
<br />
why do men have to be such jerks. I live with an alcholic who takes pleasure in belittlng me and making me look like a fool in front of my son. he denies he has an issue, but that is why I am seperating from him, see my lawyer in 2 weeks, and looking for another place to live.. He has yelled, thrown things at me, had nothing to do with me when I was pregnant, has hit me, has threatened me, and still he thinks his **** smells like roses... but I am not tolerating it any more no matter what the cost I am heading out of this life of misery and heading for sunshine....

I hate to sound judgmental, but your husband sounds like a jerk. Why the hell doesn't he get that he is responsible for taking care of the bills--which would include insurance for your heart conditions? Why are we as women often dependent on these loser men who are so damn selfish and immature. You lose your job, so you feel impotent--which means no affection, warm words or kindness for your wife. Then worse--much worse, you start being ******** who turn sadistic, getting sick pleasure out of hurting your wives and sabotaging their opportunities. Jeez! For those of us in these kinds of situations, it seems like the best thing that could happen is that these husbands could take out great life insurance policy and then get hit by a train.

My husband also has a masters and is unemployed. I dont have much advice for you. Keep looking you will find something. Maybe he is just frustrated.

Okay, all is not lost, at least you have an education unlike some women who are starting from scratch. My suggestion for you is to get some sort of experience any way you can by: doing volunteer work in your field (using your education); or be willing to work as a contingent (on-call)staff person; or work part-time and/or be willing to work the odd shifts. <br />
Are you able to start a business with your education and/or experiences? It may be a small business, but with a good plan you might be able to get a small business loan to get you started. <br />
As far as your marriage goes. I would really recommend you focus on the job thing right now and save yourself. The marriage thing is already in the toilet per your statement that this has been going on for 5 years. Sorry, your marital problems are not all due to the economy. Do not waste time thinking that if the economy turns around, your marriage will turn around. Focus your energy on getting a job/volunteer experience. Don't squander your energy on a bad relationship. As for your health issues. Low cost health services are available in every state at Federally Qualified Health Centers. The fees are based on the household income. It might be helpful for you to search out what facilities are available in your state/community. I hope this helped a little. God bless and take care of you!

I can understand you. All of us are in the same boat. This recession has hit all of us very bad.<br />
I do hope the governemnet does something very fast.<br />
There is no other option except to be patient and pray.