Why Do We Keep Our Anger a Secret?
I am furious with my husband. I have been for weeks, maybe months or years. I don't know where to start so I'll start with this evening. I was online looking for a job and he came in the bedroom obviously exhausted and ready to go to bed. So I logged off the computer, shut off the iights, and went to the bed to give him a kind and gentle kiss goodnight. I was not ready to go to bed so I was vacating the bedroom so he could rest in peace. He responded to my kiss at first as if he was going to ignore it altogether and then he just pulled away or recoilled, as if absolutely repulsed. I left the room but made no attempt to shut the door quietly. He works way too hard. He is not making enough money to pay bills right now. I am not employed but feverishly searching for a job. I feel bad for him that he is so exhausted and for all his hard work he is still short on money. He can be a jerk - a real jackass. We've been married for twenty eight years but the last five have been a nightmare for a marriage. He is a control freak fanatic and I have no access to any money he makes unless he gives it to me. I don't even kinow where his checking account is anymore and we don't have a joint checking account as of last month because he could no longer afford to put money in it for me to buy groceries, gas, prescriptions, etc. I guess I'm just a sucker. But I have a masters degree - yes, and I cannot get hired because I have stayed home being a housewife for years. I'm smart but no one is smart enough to see that without a former employer to rub their nose in it. I am so angry. And anger is not a particularly healthy thing for a heart patient. I have had a heart attack. I have serious heart disease. But since last month I no longer have health insurance. He couldn't make the payments anymore so he let it go. He tells me he'll never be able to insure me again so I have to go to work somewhere that offers benefits. Am I missing something? Am I just a blithering idiot. Is anyone out there listening? Do you have any wisdom to pass my way? I could really use some friendly guidance right now.