My Fault. Just Stop!

Sometimes I just get so mad. Not always at others. It's mostly not on others. Almost everytime I'm mad at others I'm also mad at myself. Sometimes I'm only mad at myself. There's a long list of things I've done that I'm not proud over and that I wish I never did. Things that are just pure stupidity. Teenage stupidity in it's finest. And I call myself inteligent. Yeah right. Like that'll ever happen.

One of the big things I get mad about is that I lie. I lie a lot and I can't seem to just tell the truth sometimes. It's the same lies, but it's not like I can just stop them.
One of them being to my parent (as most of them are), saying I'm not in a relationship. If I'm ever asked again I'll be honest. But why did I ever say no? Well, I had my reasons some times. There were things connected to our relationship that I wasn't ready to share. But now, there's no reason to lie. Still I do it.

I lie a lot, as I said and I'm only bringing up that one thing so I can keep it short. Well, shorter.

Then I for some stupid as hell reason started cutting when I was really depressed. I've stoped, but everytime I see some objects at home, I want to do it again. But it's not that hard to resist anymore. But there's this one pair of scissors that still get's me craving for it. It was pretty bad when I started and when I stopped. I mean, some scars will never go away. And that just makes me so freaking mad. Why did I think that was a good idea? Stupid.

Then there's last summer... I won't even talk about last summer. But here's a clue. It involved a letter, a knife, a lot of phone calls and the police. Take a guess. *sigh*

The list goes on.
The worst part though, must be subconsciously lying to myself. That leading to me (not even knowing it) lying to my friends and my lover. Damn! Why does everyone have to do these stupid idot things.

When I go to bed sometimes, I really just want to scream my lungs out at myself, at how much of an idiot I've been. Atleast I'm less of an idiot now.
bluecupcakes bluecupcakes
18-21, F
1 Response Jan 9, 2013

Oh baby- please - please - stop this -
The cutting - please - don't do this - ever again.
Oh my heart aches for u
I wanna hug u soo badly
The lies- well - as I told ya recently - we all do that.
The lies can be made better with"sorry"
But those scars, are no good for u
I'm a bit lost for words ATM
I can only say sorry for any problems you have - and I know u have issues with things - but - please - no knives - no scissors - and if u even look at them- I want you to hear me saying no - I mean it - NO -
Please - when I get time - I want to talk to you - about this - I'm a grown man- and I have lots of issues
But there are other ways to deal with lifes problems
Ok ??
Now - go back to what you were doing before you read this - and I want you to promise me- ok?- NO MORE BLADES OR SHARP OBJECTS - I'm really serious

Much love n peace

From mark

It's okey now. I don't cut myself anymore. I stopped that. With a lot of help. But I'm through with that now. I just get so mad knowing I ever did it. *sigh* But thanks for the kind words. :) I have a lot of people I think about who don't want me to do it again. So they help me by just ever telling me not to do it again. Especially two people. One being my longtime best friend. When she saw what I had done and I was trying to stop, all she did was stare at me, slap me in the face and tell me never to do it again. That was a memorable moment. haha. She really knows how to handle me. :P Slap me in the face, and I've got the point. No more sharp objects, I already promised some people that. Including myself. :)

Thank you - talk soon- bit busy