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My Mother Favors My Older Sister, So Does Everyone Else Apparently...

I love my mother, i think. She's always there - wait, no she's not. She supports what i want to do with my career - oh no, she doesn't do that. She appreciates me - nope. She congratulates me when i do well - nu uh. 
My mum favors my sister so much that it hurts. She buys her clothes when she doesn't need them, then refuses to buy me a shirt when i desperately need some more clothes. My mother adores my sister. She's 2 years older then me, and is treated like a queen. I get the blame for things that weren't my fault, when we have a fight and she takes it too far or I hit her, I get yelled at SO much that sometimes I go in my room and have a good cry. I NEVER EVER cry in front of my family, because I don't want to give them the satisfaction that they're hurting me.  But I feel comfortable crying in front of my friends, and I'm not afraid to curl up with my boyfriend and shed a tear. One of my friends believes that I'm gonna start taking drugs and drinking  cos of the way it kills me. 

Once, I got above 9 on my Naplan. 9 is the highest you an get where i go to school, and it was in English and writing. I want to be writer, and a journalist when I grow up so this is great for my career! I showed my mother and she nods and congratulates me, but it's forgotten 3 minutes later. A couple of weeks later, my sister tells my mother that she got a 9 on her Naplan for maths. She wants to be a civil engineer, so this is good for her career, but it isn't as good as mine. My mother smiles and goes on and on about how its so great and its good for her. After 2 minutes I had to bite my lip to stop myself from crying and plugged in my iPod and turned the volume up so it could drown up my mother and my sister. A couple of hours later at dinner, mum brings it up to my dad and goes on and on again to my dad. My dad smiles and congratulates her too. After 3 minutes more of talking about it mum looks at me and says "Oh and you got a nine too so that's good for your stories."  I felt hurt. She forgot my Naplan results and under appreciated me, and then had the nerve to over appreciate my big sister. It also hurt cos the night before, I was printing out my book in draft, it wasn't using much ink and it was the first time I'd printed out a real book, sorta. Then my Mum comes in and yells, saying im wasting ink with this stupid story. I went into my room and cried almost all night because she called my dreams stupid and a waste of paper. 

She's never there when I need her to be there. She's always at work or something, yet she still finds the time to go and support my sister in everything. She missed my graduation because she was down in Brisbane, and she knew she would miss it. To get back at her, I bought another dress and wore that one to grad, instead of the one she bought me. my dad doesn't support my music either. I was playing at an awards night, and I wanted him to see me perform, as my mother thinks I suck at singing and playing and my sister is a brilliant singer when she is tone deaf. i wanted to prove something important, and they weren't there. My dad didn't go because my sister didn't want to go so he had to stay home. My friend's mum took me instead. My mum was - obviously - at work and couldn't make it either. They didn't even say sorry or said they wished they were there. At the end of the night, all the kids were hugging their parents and I stood off and watched, wishing I could parents and siblings like theirs. My boyfriend hugged me from behind, cos he knew what I was thinking. He was there for his little sister, and both his parents had come to it. Eve when one they did come to my performance, my mum said that our band wouldn't last long and people wouldn't show up for practice and my dad said my guitar was a LITTLE out of tune. They didn't say congratulations and didn't even mention my solo where i sang. 

My room is the smallest, and my sister's is the biggest, though I need more room to put the music stuff. It's always crowded and stuff, but I'm always in it cos its my getaway. The only thing that keeps me sane is my friends, my boyfriend, my music and my writing, they're the only things and ones that keep me from running away or breaking down completely. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have music. I have no idea what to do. My Dad is great, but he doesn't stick up for me and he KNOWS that my mum treats me unfairly but he only hugs me afterwards. I love him, but he just doesn't do enough. 

I play Netball. My sister plays hockey. I play hockey and touch and soccer as well, but Netball is my main sport. I play club netball. My sister and I both trialed for an elite sports team for our chosen sport (hockey and Netball) My mum said she wouldn't be surprised if I didn't get in and she said she wouldn't be surprised if my sister did! She basically told me that she didn't think I was good at Netball and she thought my sister was fantastic in Hockey. Yet she's never been to ONE of my games. Never. She doesn't know that my coach has been recommending me to the NQ team for the past 2 years, and I've only been playing 2 years. She doesn't know how good I am at it. Yet she's been to almost all of my sister's hockey  games and she knows almost everyone else on her team. My dad come to my games, But most times when I look off the field to see where he is, he's on the phone for work. 
Funnily enough, I got in, so did she. My mum was surprised and then looked bored when she found out that Talia - my sister - was in. Its 2012 so this year I'm desperate to show how good I am.

But I have mixed feelings about this.  Over the holidays I thought about it and decided that I didn't need my mother's approval, but after more things happening, I know I don't need it, but I would love to show her one day that she was wrong about me. One day I will show her. One day I'll prove to her that I am everything she thinks I'm not.
Macpaiged Macpaiged 13-15 15 Responses Jan 20, 2012

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I can't say I know what you're going through- because I don't. Your story just made me realize that I am not in a bad situation. You really inspired me. I don't know how I can think of all the "troubles" in my life the same again. As for what to do, I really think you should try to talk to your sister and see if she sees things the same as you. She might agree, and then you will know that what you think is going on is verified.

Same, my mum hates me but loves my older sister. I went to a talent show to sing and I won but my mum "accidentally" lost the trophy and told me the judges just pitied me. Then magically a talent show trophy appeared in my sisters room

I understand you. I have the same situation at home. My mother favors my younger sister in EVERYTHING. Ever since I was born I have been denied too many things (material and emotional) which my sister has always gotten and she's the most useless, ignorant person in the planet, while I have achieved so many great things by myself without their help, and my mom has never acknowledge them. It's a tough situation, I really understand your pain, I like to think also that I don't need my mother's approval or affection, but deep down what keeps dragging me down is that very same issue. It's our culture, where the mother figure is considered some kind of almighty being and it makes us feel symbolically indebted to her. I am 100% certain my mother will never be proud of me and she will never accept who I am, I have to live with that, but it doesn't mean I don't have hopes she will (though I know she won't!). You don't need to prove her anything. Family means so much more than biological bonds. If it weren't for my friends and other "outsiders", I wouldn't be able to keep up. Those people are my real family, and where they are it's home.
Live for yourself. Time will pass either way and you don't want to torture yourself your whole life because of someone who doesn't deserve it.
I REALLY understand you, it hurts and it angers you, but really, it's like drinking poison and expect the other person to die. Not worth it!

I feel your pain little one my sister is 11 years older than me her and my parents are moving in together soon into a beautiful home and i live off the system its so ****** up its really sad

I feel your pain. How can two rational people treat their children so differently?
I am a university college lecturer, my sister works as a receptionist in a garage. My younger sister was born prematurely and her twin was stillborn. It's as if my mother has never shrugged this issue. Anything I ever did or do is like water off a duck's back to my mother. I worked at school and got good grades, my sister messed around. If I earned money babysitting or working, my mother would demand to know the amount and then give my sister the same "to make things all fair". My sister has been in significant financial debt twice and been bailed out by my parents. She know lives in an extensive 4 bedroom detached house, that matches my own in financial terms despite our obvious differences in income and her husband working as a lorry driver and my husband owning his own garage workshop business. My father at the age of 84 years was still getting up at 630am one day a week to take my nephew to school because my sister "couldn't"! If I ask why my sister can't help out with a problem that my parents have, I am informed by my mother that she works fulltime, 8am - 6pm and then has to go home and cook for her husband and sons (15 and 11). She physically drives past my parents house from work to home whereas I live 30 minutes away. Her job, her life, her kids are more important to my mother. My children are constantly told how much better their cousins are at activities than they are which really gets to me. Their photographs are displayed in the rooms of their house that are rarely used whilst pictures of my sister and her husband and children are everywhere. Matters are at the stage now where I wonder whether it would be easier to eradicate my parents from mine and my family's lives.

I know exactly how you feel. My mom always favors my sister that is two years older than me. My mom EXPECTS me to praise my sister to the skies every day. She always says that I should be much more like her. I completely disagree. I think that I should be my own self. She always wants me to make better grades and literately BE my sister. She shouts at me whenever I get a B, and when my sister does, she cares for her so much. She always says that "it is OK, and you will be fine, and a B is good". She always makes time for my sister, but cannot spare time for me. I always go to my room {the smallest} in the house, and cry. Every single day. Then, when I come back downstairs, they did not even realize that I was gone. I wonder if they would even feel bad if I was gone. She never gets affected when I am sad or even angry. When I addressed the issue, she told me to get over myself. My whole family is against me. I don't know what to tell you because I do not know what to do myself. Sorry :(

I have the same problem, at least most of it, I don't tell my friends about coz I feel embarrassing, and my dad sometimes support my mom for this problem....I don't know what to do :(

Add a younger brother to the mix... And you'd have my life... It sucks feeling like the black sheep in your family... Doesn't it?? :(

I literally cried when I read your story my mom(mum) favors my little sister but not that much.I also want to be a writer and I play the violin and sing. My mom always told me that I wold never achieve my dreams and that I will end up working as a waiter and that I will be lonely and have a bunch of cats when I grow u. I am just saying you are NOT alone.

I am so sorry, my heart goes out to you. My story is so much like yours. I found out that my parents have narcissistic personality disorder. My sister is the golden child. Please read all that you can about NPD so you will not waste another minute of your life living like this. You are young and have a wonderful life ahead of you. There is nothing you can do or say that will change anything with your mother or sister. I hope this will help you. Take care of yourself and good luck.

I want to give you a big hug! I felt like I was reading a story that I too would have written at your age. I remember at that time wondering if I was the only person in the world who had felt this way or if anyone could see my anguish inside. Music too was my escape and my room was my safe place. Im 20 something years older then you and the desire for my parents approval still lingers, it may never fully go away but it will change.
Some of the best advice I can give you would be this.
1) Continue to do your best, b/c even if you NEVER get what you need from your parents at least you can be proud for your achievements.
2) Remember that when you go to college you will be able to chose who you surround yourself with and this situation wont be forever.
3) In college stick with your passion. Be smart and make sure you dont pigeon hole yourself into a career that makes it too tough to find a job, but also spend time pursuing your passions.
4) Your bf sounds great, but pls wait to have sex. You have a bright future and can have kids much later in life. I hope he always stays the love of your life but sex tends to make people more attached and you dont want to be too vulnerable right now.
5) You now have a wonderful gift of knowing what your future kids will need from you emotionally and b/c you didnt get it, you will be more thoughtful about giving it.
6) Remember your whole life is in front of you and you will be a shining star even without the advantage that others may have and that will make your star burn more brightly!!
Big Hugs!!! :)

Well said! I would like to also suggest, in addition to these VERY good points.
1) Marry and begin a family after you are 30 and have time to work through your own painful history.
2) get counseling before you marry and/or have kids
3)get your own identity securely in place with a career, your own home so you can be choosy when you pick a potential partner instead of settling for someone out of desperation.
4) hang in there and set your expectations low with your bio family.
5) make room in your life and create a second family full of fill in parents and siblings who will love you and cherish you and as soon as you can limit your time with the biological family.
6) Don't listen to any of there discouraging garbage about who you are. They suck!

I am quite a bit older than you sweetheart but I've painfully been in the least favorite role myself and I know it hurts like hell on so many levels. Hang in there. Keep studying and know many of us are happy to encourage you if you need us!

Be blessed.
Love,
Bast

Thats exactlly how i felt i felt like i was going insane and had very low self esteem this has been happening most my life im 20 years old but all i said to myself was do i need to keep prooving things to them? no i have my life they have theres i shouldnt have to prove myself to my own family, things tend to get better as you get older as u can learn ways of ignoring it, my younger sister is the one who is favoured in my family and my mum thinks she cant do no wrong yet shes a theif and lies 24/ 7 and still takes her side over everything. Its you that makes your path in life not your family, just put a smile on in the house and think of the things u have in your life that your sister doesnt such as your boyfriend and his family, you can accomplish anything you want to accomplish on your own and the support of your friends and boyfriend. People like our sisters always get what comes around when they get a taste of their own medicine they will think twice next time.

I'm sure you will prove her wrong one day.

You sound just like my brother, you two would be perfect for each other

This story is almost exactly like mine! My sister made the A honor roll for one quarter in 6th grade and everyone in my family freaked! They took her shopping and said how proud they were and gave her money. This year in 8th grade I have maintained it for the whole year and my mom hasn't said a word of praise to me. If my sister draws a picture or makes something, it goes on display for all to see. I am in dance and even though my mom still shows up, all she does is say good job. I told her someday I want to have a career in dance and she pretty much just said that I never would be able to. My sister is in Cross Country and if she gets a ribbon every relative has to know about it. I get ribbons for dance and no one is told. Plus my mom won't let me go to an actual studio because it's too expensive, but this is my dream. Someday, just like you I would just LOVE to laugh in their faces when I finally accomplish my dreams, without them.