Jealous, Controlling Husband

At age 17 I got married to a wonderful 21 year old man, our 18th anniversary is coming up in less than a month. I wasn't pregnant or anything llike that, I just knew he was for me. We have 5 children (2 are my nephews that we adopted) and he treats them and loves them like his own. He adores me, helps out around the house (cooks cleans etc). He is a hardworker and takes in side jobs when the money is tight. I work as a food server and I am going to college to become an RN.
Maybe your wondering why I am writing....well he is very controlling and jealous. I have never, ever given him a reason to even doubt my fidelity and commitment to him.
For example,  I am also an EMT, this is my passion,  but he freaks when I mention getting a job with an ambulance company because I will be working with men, he doesnt mind me going to college but he askes every single day if I got "hit on" and whether or not any guys talked to me. He hides my underwear and clothes that he thinks shows off my figure. I wear mens pants because they are looser than womens. He throws away my high heels and is constantly nagging me about "why I need to wear makeup".
My mom lives 6 hours away and she has always been a great grandmother. Well 4 years ago she wrote me a letter telling me that she was going to visit my stepfather cause she thought she still loved him (he was deported 20 years ago for child molestation). I was forbidden by my husband to talk to her or to let her have anything to do with our kids. Her visiting him lasted 1 week before she moved back, my kids really really miss her....I want her to be part of their lives but he gets verbally abusive to me when ever I bring it up, so I dont anymore.
When my oldest son needed counseling, my husbands first question was whether the doctor was young and good looking.
I dont kiss him anymore, I dont share daily stories with him any more because he will just ask if there was a man involved.....my son had to have a chest xray, while I was in the waiting room I started talking to an older gentleman about education. It turns out he is the president of our schoold districts booster club. Long story short, I was telling my husband about how I met this man and his wife and what a small world it is. My husbands only comment was "the guy must have been goodlooking otherwise why wouldnt I go into the xray room with our son"....I tried explaining that I wasnt allowed in there but he wouldnt listen.
He is always saying that I have changed since we married....I say of course I have because I was just a child back then. He wont go to counseling. Lately I have really noticed how much I have withdrawn, physically and emoitionally, because I am tired of being hurt by his assumptions that I am a bad slutty person.


I just dont know what to do....do I stay in this relationship that makes me feel like I am doing something wrong everyday? What about me taking my kids up to see their grandma?

Thanks for listening 

jtjbn5 jtjbn5
31-35, F
3 Responses Jul 10, 2010

We have the same situation here as well So I understand what you are saying exactly. It took me a long time to realise but I have to keep reminding myself that I can't change what he does, says etc. i can only control what I do. The problem here is that listening to things like that for a long period of time has some serious consequences for us and our children. you know the answer as well as I do its just the doing part is hard isnt it? I might have that solved for me since he is currently 100 percent sure that I am cheating on him. As it stands now he wants a divorce. Its hurtful to think that someone you love can see you in such a way but the hard truth is that this is not love and no matter how hard you try to justify it its not right, EVER.

he sounds like an abusive man. No one deserves a relationship like that. And children do what they learn. exposing your children to this man and his behaviour constantly and your submission is harmful to them. I suggest you insist on counselling. I do not believe in divorce unless adultery is involved. You might not have the same views. But above all else thing of the innocent children.

ApeyNic is 100% correct. What's happening to you is REAL, there are consequences for long exposure to the emotions cropping up because of his IRRATIONAL jealousy and overbearing strict paranoid dictatorial behavior. We as "listeners" can't help you if that's all we are here to do. I could tell the world of my problems but that won't solve my problem. Something has to be done, or things will stay the same. Ya dig?