What Do I Do....so Lost.

I have in the past three times now been involved with online relationships while living at home. I am over eighteen and going to college. I told myself the last time to not let it happen again but I found myself involved again in relationship like that. I thought I liked this person though we never said anything more than like. When this person wanted to come see me last month, I told my parents and to get their permission. They were horrified and said no and not to talk to this person again. I wasn't doing poorly in school and taking a full load. I was failing one class and I knew talking and texting to this person was getting in the way of studying. So when they demanded this I tried to break off from this person, but it hurt so bad that I didn't want to let go. So I cut out a chunk of the texting and only talking to them online in the evenings. But I found myself feeling guilty all the time and snapping at my mom when she wanted to know what I was doing and calling me guilty. I told myself I wasn't, but obviously my behavior said I was. I wanted to tell her I was still talking to this person, but I thought it was so unfair as an adult I couldn't do as I wanted.
This person I thought I liked and knew, but my parents were pointing out the fact they lacked good job, education and had been kicked out high school for fighting. Which this claimed was a bully who kept picking on them.
So I sneaked around to talk to this person and I was also getting more and more paranoid my mother knew what I was doing. So I would get mad when she would look at me while I was on my laptop or these strange songs she would ("I know what you are doooOOoing!" "I can see what you are doing from the reflection in your glasses." etc), so right after new years I blew up at here and told her what it was making me so guilty. She even locked me out of the house to snoop on my computer when I went to mail some things at the post office and saw where I wrote and said to this person I "liked" them. She made fun of me and called me names. I never said I love you to this person or exchange addresses or anything, but she treated me like I had killed someone.
She seems to think I get some secret thrill to sneak around this stuff when really it makes me feel terrible. I apologized there for my ugly attitude, but she kept screaming at me. My siblings even go in on it and screamed at me. She went on her social network page where we have plenty of mutual friends told me I was a **** who chases love interests online and that I was sleeping with this person (who lives very far away and we have never ever met,). I was so embarrassed she would say that my temper flew off and I tried to choke her--she didn't even fight back which I found odd. She demanded to know why I couldn't met people in real life, etc. I told her I wasn't really looking and this just happened. But she kept screaming for an answer so I told her it was because she was always right there with me at school and who wanted to approach me with my mother always standing next to me. I love having my mom at school and hanging out with her, but I couldn't give her what she wanted and wanted her to stop, so I said the most ugliest thing that came to mind.
She wants me to leave right now. School starts Wednesday and I have no friends and no where to go. My dad said I could stay, but my mom and siblings want me gone.
I unfriended the person I was talking to thinking that would set things straight, but this person who was friends with my brother sent a message wanting to know if my mom hacked my account and deleted him. My mom in the past when I messed up used to programs to get into my computer and after she locked me out a few months ago to snoop, I thought and told this person she had those programs again.
This person sent an email to my brother demanding to know why my mom got on my account and deleted him, so I wrote this person an email.
So I told them bout my problems with online romances and how I had problems and choked my own mother that they need to stop talking to or thinking about as only a friend. They were really hurt and said they couldn't be friends with me. I apologize. I read the email to my mom, she dictated some changes and my brother added some stuff to it too. So I made sure it was to her liking and make her realize just how sorry I was.
My mom still was not satisfied saying I would do it again and again that I couldn't stop myself. I told her I would and school would be my focus, but she screamed I put my family at risk, I was ugly, selfish and should go let a car hit me. I swore at it and told her to shut up and let it go.

I tried to kill myself to get away from her. Before I could kick the ladder away my brother stopped me. They hid all sharp objects and my medicine from me. For people who told me to kill myself, they wouldn't let me just die from my shame and not her my mother scream anymore.

Last night she told me to stop it or get in touch with this person and move in with them if I was willing to kill myself for them (her words and why I was trying to kill myself, not mine). I had thought about before she said that maybe I really didn't like this person. What if I met them and realized I really didn't like them. So when she said this I realized I would trapped several hundred miles away alone and homeless if this person and I didn't really like each other.
I told her all that and said no, I wouldn't screw up again. She said I would just do it again and again, I said I will do whatever you ask me to do. I kept begging and telling her I wouldn't do it again, and I once again let false ugly things out of my mouth. I told her she could put all the programs she wanted and filters on my laptop, but she refuses.

Then today she was making remarks on how I would just do it again and time to get my tubes tied and that I had sex on the brains. I would like to state I do not believe in sex before marriage nor do I think about 24-7. It's something you do when you are married to the right person. I told her tell me what she wanted and she still picked. So I screamed fine I'll get in touch with this person and go away if that'll shut her up. She said "Ahah, that is what you want! I bet you are still talking to them!". One I am not, I mean after telling them I choked my mom and led them on they would really want to talk to me and two, I am pretty sure I don't like them in that way. She still won't lay off and give me a chance to redeem myself.

I am so misrable. I stopped eating the last three days just some water and I sleep so much more now, I want peace and to be told should I stay or go and not be forced to make that choice. I wish I was never born.

FYI: My grades dispite dropping the one class I was failing were decent, two A's and two B's.
iamalie iamalie
1 Response Jan 6, 2013

First of all I'm curious as to what "medications" you are taking, why, and who prescribed them? Has your mother had a full work up by a medical professional within the past year? Do you live in the U.S.A. &/or is your mother from another country of origin? For you own mother to call you the names that she did is completely inappropriate. If she were actually concerned for you, then she wouldn't "shame" you, but get you some "help", medical or otherwise. I'm new on this site...so I'm "assuming" you are between the ages of 26-30...is that right? If so, then why don't you find a good job, and get your own place. After dealing with being on your own in a healthy way, then look into grants for school. There is ALWAYS a way to go to school...it may take a bit longer, but if you REALLY want it you can do it on your own. My niece has a mother that sounds very much like yours. I think she is your main problem. She also seems to favour your brothers...as it sounds like to me. That must be a horrible feeling. Again, she is doing something else to bring down your already non-existent self-esteem. Your father should be standing up for you to a degree by telling your mother how what she says to you is WRONG. Granted, if you were my daughter I would tell you to "lighten" up on the internet thing. It can be very very seductive to the point of addiction...or it feeling like it's out of control which it is. You are young, you have virtually no real life experience, and unfortunately you've on some level believed all that your mother said. You stand up for yourself and then you back down as she threatens your ability to survive i.e. making you leave "her" house, unprepared for the world (her doing, though you have a brain so filter her crap out). Stay at a friend or relative's home until you can find some sort of job and new living situation and MOVE ON with a life of your own and away from you seemingly toxic mother and siblings. Your father, as I said, doesn't seem much better being that he seems to be rather passive in your description. By doing nothing, he is essentially a contributor. Perhaps THIS is why you seek the attention that you do on the internet. People tell you nice things on the internet, don't they? At least for a while...you aren't hearing "nice things" at home and I somehow don't think you ever really have or you wouldn't be "seeking" approval from types that are not good enough for you. Love YOU. That is your first step. Go find a good therapist (it may take interviewing a few...they aren't ALWAYS good) so shop around until you find one that "gets" you. I would suggest that they are a female. If you don't have insurance for this, check into what is available in your area through social services or even call the suicide prevention hotline...they may have resource info available...just a thought. If you don't do something NOW, your life will become unmanageable and you are in for a life of hurt, great disappointment and the "want" to end it all..which is a waste really. I've felt like not living before so I DO understand how that feels. Believe me...you are WORTHY of a whole lot better and more than what you have right now and only YOU can make that happen by getting the support that we all need from time to time. Someone DOES care...ME. :-)