Like A Big Rubberband Ball...

That's how my mind feels. I'm really interested in forming better relationships in my future than I have in the past, but sometimes I worry I will not be able to find someone who will be able to deal with the complexity of me. I grew up rather neglected and prone to escape into my own fantasy world to protect/care for myself. I've spent the majority of my time on this earth in my own company I'd say. My imagination is vivid and ever-present. I never think much of it but then when I'm around other people I begin to see it doesn't seem their minds work the same way as mine.

I used to have this ego about it all when I was a teenager, like I was special and other people werent' to boost up my self esteem. I don't see it that way anymore. I am simply different. There are agonizing things I go through mentally that I'd never wish on anyone, and there are also awesome observations and feelings I get when I look around the world that I wish I could share. I feel very lonely. I never want to hold someone up to some standard no one can reach, I never want to make another person feel like they have to understand all of me or they'll let me down. I've done it though, I'll be disappointed when I'm not understood and I'll have to use all my powers of logic not to let my feelings of being let-down show. I often loathe myself for this, I feel bad for feeling let down by people when logically I know there is nothing wrong with them.

I love people and love connecting with them, but there is always this loneliness that comes. I feel like I've lived a life only small percentages of people on this planet might relate to or have experienced themselves. Again, not thinking this makes me better or more special than anyone. Just different. There is so much I keep to myself because of how many times sharing with others has lead to shrugs, looks of confusion, or (worse) judgment and scorn. I'm hypersensitive and hyper-aware, not just of myself but of everyone and everything. I have ideas all day long at breakneck pace to the point I just have to let 90% of my daily thoughts just drift off.

I am one of those people who can undertake something most others seem to think is impossible because I cannot see that it is, whilst at the same time I struggle to understand it's possible to do things most people find mundane. For instance, I ran down a pickpocket who stole my camera on foot and managed to get it back from him. No one had ever told me that was probably not likely to work so when the moment came, I just did it. That kind of stuff I can do. Getting a job interview and creating a decent resume? I'm useless and it never seems to make sense that is possible. Basically, I'm great at being the one who can keep a cool head and deal with extreme situations but I'm crap at everyday stuff in a lot of ways.

I love reading, I love writing, I love imagining possibilities and finding all different uses for just about everything. I like subversion, I like absurdity, I love what doesn't yet exist more than what does. All that and more. I find it hard to figure out who I think I am because simple labeling never works for me and I hate it. I can't define anyone else either because there are always these exceptions to rules and soooooo many variables to boot. I tend to pee my pants when it comes to personal online profiles because I suck at summarizing myself in any way. I tend to take the easy route; I make lists of things I like and dislike and then it's "Okay, you draw your own conclusions about who I am because I haven't got a clue".

Big rubberband ball of STUFF in my head.
BohemianLikeYou BohemianLikeYou
31-35, F
2 Responses Jul 11, 2010

Feel like i just read about myself there

did you want to marrid ?