Im So Complex, I Don't Understand Myself.

I am very complex, and i don't even understand myself.  I've gone through years of every form of therapy there is to offer.  The 1st and worse was the in-patient mental health unit.  I had become suicidal and had a fantasy going about how I was going to end my life.  Thinking about it was the only thing that gave me a break from all the pain I felt inside.  I knew it was selfish, I just didn't know what else to do. It really never became an issue because of my four daughters.  Being locked up was the best thing to do, so I could start looking at myself.  My marriage was very dysfunctional and I didn't know how to change.  That's when one on one therapy started.  It wasn't easy and realized I had to remove myself from the relationship.  Being he already had no interest in the family, I sent him on his way.  

I became the sole single parent of four girls and went from the American Dream to welfare.  I felt so much shame.  I could not and would not raise my children this way.  I had only an 8th grade education from my troubled childhood and didn't want my children raised thinking it was OK.  So I earned my GED and went to college.  I received my AA Degree in Sales and Marketing.  I also put in one more year towards Counseling and Crisis Intervention.   

Life became more difficult and I had very difficult family issues to work through.  Two of my daughters were abused and I went into rage.  I was able to slide by without committing murder.  The therapist I brought them to commented I've been able to give the girls the emotional needs they had met.  And then she wondered why. (This was b4 college.)  I had no clue how to answer that question.  Then it became clear to me, when my own memories surfaced.  That was the beginning of the end.  But the end isn't over per my mental health.  For 10+ more years I was in Therapy.  Hard therapy.  In and out of the hospital, one on one weekly sessions (x2), ****** group, 12 step programs, and a large support system.  I had to deal with ******, physical childhood abuse by both parents, satanic abuse,  rapes, and 1st marriage domestic abuse.  I was high risk for suicidal tendency many times.  

I married a third time and after twelve years of being clean, I started drinking and drugging again.  I divorced my 3rd husband when the kids left home and continued to use for over ten yrs.  I sobered up 2yrs on last Dec. of '08.  The current situation in my life now includes the paranormal in my home.  It has become my own living hell. Literally.  Having been abused by an occult in my younger yrs, doors had already been opened for demons and other haunting in my residence.  I haven't been home for over 6wks while I'm looking for a new place.  I have been followed which seems so small on the scale compared to prior, but still, dealing with one demon and a trickster is not helping my mental health.  I'm going through PTSD and can easily cry when I think about what I'm going through.  So I'm ending the story now.   

Am I complex?  Hmmmmmmm!

WarriorMom WarriorMom
51-55, F
6 Responses Feb 22, 2009

Hey friend, you just need to purify yours soul, you are so away from God, so in return you are left for demon s to deal with you, as you agree that demons are haunting yours house, and now if you let this house they pursue, you where ever go,<br />
remember when we totally away from our creator, he take away his angel,who write yours ad and good action, sitting on yours shoulders, you people call them guardian angel is not that.? and these are protector too and take care of our lives too,<br />
So hurry up ask forgiveness to Lord. the one and only one God, ask for help surly he help you, be good behave good, for get the past start a new life. need any help pls welcome

thanks just doesn't say whats in my heart for you both. i love you!

you are the most amazing woman. you will always be on my mind you struggled so and have succeeded. im sure you have to work on things every day but may god hold you in his hands always1

WM - you stories never cease to amaze me. We have some similar traits (as you know) and the 1:1 counseling scared me to death because I NEVER let anyone know my feelings except for "of course I am FINE' when I was dying on the inside. This also gave me the tools to leave and fix things in my life. Look how far you have come!! Amazing .

thanks sweetie. I keep working on it.

this is an incredibly moving story. you have come so far. be proud of yourself. hold your head high.