Love As Thou Wilt

I broke up with my boyfriend because I wasn't happy. He was controlling, but he was also trying to stop. He was trying to fix himself. But I just couldn't wait. I was hurting. From the past and the present. And I thought I was making a good decision, the right one. But now I'm so concerned that I made a premature decision. Basing my choice upon more than what I bargained for. I'm still not sure.

I loved him one minute and then hated him the next. And now, he's ... writing me letters and leaving sweet, sweet comments. He says he's not trying to win me back and I understand but at the same time, his utter reluctant acceptance upon my decision proves his love to me. And just how far he was willing to go and now I fear that I lost a man whom could stick it out. Being with me. One whom was willing to go with me.

But then again, he made me so angry. We fought so much. Our relationship started out unhealthy. And sometimes I loved him passionately, other times I only kind of liked him.

And I will miss the feeling of his body next to mine. The sound of his erratic heart. The pressure when he held me. And the way he said my name.

But I won't miss how he seemed to judge me without realizing it. Comparing me to him. Controlling me. Telling me how to do something.

And I don't want to be alone anymore. However, I am going to try and live my life as thus, "love as thou wilt". Maybe that will bring me true happiness. I always thought/knew I was never suppose to settle to have one man. But I was meant to love one so strongly while I was in the area. And then move, to find another to dote on till I again, moved.

To the people I loved once, if I hurt you I'm sorry. But none so much as Z. I love you still and I broke us apart. But if you're right and I'll fall in love with you again when I see you, then so be it. But right now and for a while I have and am in love with my best friend, A. I don't know who I am meant to be with or end up with. Maybe it's neither of you. All I know is that I wish there was no pain in the world.