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Blind

I had been separated from my husband for two years, I met a man, we became instant friends, and had everything in common including being born on Friday the 13th. He was the nicest man I had ever met, he fell in love with me and wanted commitment but I was not even divorced yet. I helped him through a stroke, he helped me through cancer surgery, we were there for each other for about a year and a half. I had been living in my car for the two years I was separated except for times I stayed with him or with one of my kids. He and I became intimate, but I was still afraid to accept his love or love him in return. I felt like I needed to find myself, be single and free for a while, I did not want to jump right back into a cage so to speak. Anyway I got my apartment, my first place on my own ever, and I was so excited. He and his 13 year old son were coming to visit me and celebrate his birthday and his sons birthday which were two days apart. Anyway 30 minutes after he got here he had another stroke, he died a few days later the day after his birthday and the day before his sons birthday.  I had to place his son that was hard on me. I have been so lonely since he died, we talked daily, we saw each other at least once a week. And well I just wish I could have accepted his love because now it is gone, he is gone, and I may never find anyone that treats me gentle like he did, or loves me like he did. I miss him so bad I must have loved him but maybe I was just was blind and could not see it. I wish things were different. I wish I could have accepted his love and given it back in return. I miss him so much my heart is broken. This has affected me worse than the death of my parents. I am 50 years old I should not be taking this so hard, yet I am and I am not sleeping well, and I cry all the time. I am broken hearted.

thirteensandbutterflies thirteensandbutterflies 46-50, F 1 Response Oct 1, 2009

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You probably are in shock about his death more than the actual fact about you not returning his love. I don't think you are being blind or made a wrong decision. This person came into your life and offered his commitments during a time when you are not ready for it. Ever heard of the saying, "the first decision is always the right decision?" <br />
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I also think it is normal to feel a little lost and empty after the demise of a person, especially one you spent quite a bit of time with and also the fact that both of you lean on each other for support during difficult times. If you felt grateful for whatever he has done for you, I am sure he felt the same about your goodself, otherwise he would not be spending his last days with you. Most importantly, he didn't die from a heart break. You really shouldn't feel heart broken over the whole incident. <br />
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I am sorry that you are feeling very confused at the moment. I am sure you will come to terms with the situation sooner or later. Give it some time. Grieving is healthy and may he rest in peace.