I Don't Know What To Think Anymore

My older sister. lets call her ana, was always the light at the end of my dark tunnel. my narcissistic mother was the darkness. my mommie dearest had manage to make the rest of my family hate me, always encouraging them to hurt me and rewarding them for doing so. one example was when my cousin stole my dress. my mother not only defended her and told me to just forget about it i have more dresses but she also bought my cousin a whole bunch of new cloths.

the last time i went with my mother to visit my sister ana in another state. i was so happy to see my sister. my only family. the one person who still cares about me.

i was following my sister ana all over the house kind of like a puppy. wanting to sit next to her, resting my head on her lap. once my mother took notice i got this strange feeling that she will try to damage my relationship with ana. I however quickly dismissed this feeling as simple paranoia and told myself that ana will always be there for me as the mother i never had.

after that day ana changed with me. she stopped being comforting and began to say little things that would push my buttons. at first i dismissed it as "she didn't mean to" but i realized later on that she absolutely meant to. she kept going and going. whenever i would tell her something bad that had happened she would mock me. saying "aha!" but in a mocking way. as if my pain was a joke.
she would disagree with everything i'd say even those things that i was right in she would say the opposite. one time i got the feeling that she had me on three way with my mother. i kept telling her how hurt i was at how my mother was treating me and she just stood quiet. i said "hello?! r u there?" she said yeah i'm here. but after i would spill my guts out she would just be quiet. not saying anything.

i know my mother has put her up to this but i can't blame my mother for ana's actions. one of ana's flaws is that she loves to gossip with my mother. she is my narcissistic mother's enabler. but i no longer see her as innocent and the victim of manipulation that i use to see her as. i now am beginning to see her as my mommie dearest clone.

they come of as so nice and innocent but they are really not. i don't want to believe this but i can't live indenial. i am so sad. i feel alone. i truely have no one. they all hate me. i hate my mother. i have even prayed for her to die. i know that if she dies i would be finally at peace because i would no longer worry about my mother's verbal attacks and spreading lies about me to get others to hate me.

one of my friends told me that my mother's biggest fear is that i will make something out of myself and be able to move out and no longer be her punching bag. i agree with my friend and it's crazy how he noticed. it makes me wonder how many other people have noticed her true colors? i hope one day the truth comes out and everybody sees my mother for who she really is. i am working out so i can get hired in this gentlemen's club as a dancer. i hope i can get inshape soon. they promised me a spot if i can get toned in 2 weeks. i hope i can do it. i wish i didn't have to do this for a living but it's really the only thing i can do so i can support myself.

i have decided to go no contact with my mother as soon as i get the money to move out. but i always hoped i could still have my sister. only now she has shown me that i cannot count on her neither, and that she will do my mother's dirty work and hurt me if it's what she is told to do.

is this some kind of lesson? why did God put me in this situation? it's really amazing how one person can convince a whole bunch of people to hate you (scapegoating) but it happens all the time. that's crazy.

will i be ok? how will my life be once i leave on my own. will i grow up to be one of those old ladies who never married and never had any children and talks to herself or pet? lol. i don't want to be a mother and haven't found my prince charming, sometimes i doubt he is even out there. i'm afraid of dying alone. i don't want to be alone. then again loneliness beats being sorrounded by narcissist lol

i have to be brave.
veronica4ever veronica4ever
26-30, F
2 Responses Nov 26, 2012

that is sad like really sad my family the adults on my dads side including him is just as horrible they try to turn me and my sisters and brother against each other they get so mad because me and my brother wont believe a word they say they hate that they can turn the others against each other and against us for a short time but they cant play me and my brother we know beter we live together and do everything together and when they lie we prove to eachother that they are lieing even though we already knew the other one was being lied on

that's good that you atleast have one real family member. misery just loves company.

yeah it does but you know what even if your family dont ever treat you beter never forget you will always have someone that cares and accepts you just as you are and respects you

:)

**HUGS**

1 More Response

You poor, poor girl. So young to be trying to work out such difficult family dynamics. Unfortunately, you are going to have to come to terms with the reality of your family's sick way of interacting and make your own way in life. In time, you will be able to invest your trust, your confidence and your emotions in other people. It would be a big mistake for you to try to invest emotionally in any member of your family. Once you find that oasis of solace that is the ability to trust people, you will feel much less confused and much happier. Good luck and God bless.

thnx perseverer. you always give me the best advice. i bet you must be a great mom <3