The Hardest Decision to Ever Have to Make...

When I was 16 I was introduced to a man. Charming, caring, a  man with a definite way with words. I was scared, shy, timid to the max. Although I found him greatly intriguing, those around me did not. My parents shunned him, my friends called him a freak. I myself had my own doubts, tho not of him. I never thought that I would be the type for him. That I would even be noticed in his world. Tho still I pursued him. I found shortly after that he was interested in me, and I couldnt believe it. Tho my moments of happiness were cut all too short. We tried dating, than my parents found out about him, and all his "oddities". They found out that he smoked, that he was "goth" of such, that he wasn't Christian, and that he didn't believe in the Norms of most (mind you I was 16). But none of that mattered to me. None of it made me love him less. It actually intrigued me further. So as the rebellious one that I attempted to be, I seen him in secret. He, as well as I knew what risky terms we were seeing each other on, but I still didn't care (mind you I lived a rather sheltered life, seriously). After some time, he left, went into the military, and upon one night about a year later we met again, and again still liked each other just the same. Off and on we'd see each other as the years past. When I became of age I had more freedom, not much more, but more none-the-less. We saw each other in secret. My parents knew him as "Toby". We (me and him) decided to call him that so there would be no arguments between my living status and me. I would see him almost every weekend, we'd hang out,  go places, have intimacies. We had made an understanding towards each other to not fall in love with one another, due to each of our different pasts. After about 6 months he left me, again. This time to go to the West Coast for employment. At that point in time I met a guy. Nice, honest, not nearly as charming, but I did like him. Not nearly as much as I did "Toby", but I was under the impression that "Toby" wasn't returning from his new place of employment on the West Coast. So me and this new guy that I had came to meet, we'll call him "Matt", had a few things in common, and I grew to like him. Me and Matt got engaged, and shortly after words Toby came back from the West Coast. He was back and wanted to get back with me. Although, upon knowing that I had become engaged, and upon me finding out that he had returned, we tried to just be friends, but we soon realized that there were more feelings for each other than what we had thought. When this was realized between us, I was so scared to accept that reality. It was what I had wanted so much, just a short time before he left for the West Coast. When he told me that he loved me it was in the sweetest way possible. He asked me "Do you remember the promise that we made each other, about not falling in love?" I replied "Yes". He than asked me if I had broken my promise, and again, I replied "Yes". He returned with a kiss, and said "So have I". With that I knew that I wanted to be with him so badly. I had never told him exactly how I felt, due to his past. I thought that if I told him how I felt anytime before this, that he would shun away from me, not want to be with me anymore. So, I never told him. I still regret that to this day. Ok, skipping ahead some time now. Matt and Toby do not get along at all. Tho we all 3 try to remain friends. Matt tells me that if I don't lose Toby as a friend, then he will leave me. At this point in time, I had grown feelings for Matt. Not really fell in love with him; but had grown to love him. It hurt me so, but me and Toby split ways. Sometime down the road, I birthed Matt and I's child. She is now 7 months old. Nearly 3 years went by and I never did talk to Toby. A mutual friend of ours would tell him how I was doing (not to my knowledge either) and occasionally Toby would tell that mutual friend of ours to tell me hi. One day Toby emailed me (thru Myspace) and so we started talking again. Barely at first, than more often as time passed. We than got to talking about our feelings for each other and realized that we still do love each other. That we never did stop loving each other. Hes told me that he still wants to have a relationship with me, even tho I have a daughter. He wants to be part of her life, and he wants me to be with him. I am so confused because now I look at Matt, and I realize that I really don't think that I have been happy with Matt, ever. I grew to love him, I don't think that I ever did fall "IN" love with him. Toby has informed me that he wants to be with me, that he wants to have a life with me, even after not speaking with me for 3 years. He, and I, have realized how much we love each other. On the other hand, Matt and I are engaged. We have a daughter, 7 months old, and if I do happen to leave Matt, to go to Toby, and lets say it dosen't work out, I have no place else to go. Should I stick it out with Matt, in the best interest of our daughter? Should I go with what my urging heart is telling me to, which is to go with Toby? I've never in my life had to break up with anyone. I've never really dated anyone to break up with them, and now i'm at such a dilemma. There is nobody that I can talk to about this, if I talk to Toby about it, he will have a bias point of view. I cannot talk to Matt about it, because the moment I mention Toby's name, it all comes out of the bag, weather or not I want it to. I cannot think of anyone else that I can turn to, and I need an un-biased opinion so badly.
ANY suggestions will help~if any possible.
bloodrayne bloodrayne
22-25, F
7 Responses Jul 25, 2007

(4thehealingofit speaks wisely below.)

Your childhood love seems more an infatuation. What's more, he is quite clearly still a child. You are a torn between childhood's dreams and the realities of womanhood. Here's the question that you need to ask yourself: Are you prepared to choose the responsibilities of your station in life, as well as its promises, leaving your man-child behind with your childhood? If so, then embrace that choice wholeheartedly, without reservations; count that man-child as the road not taken and look not back upon it, until you've a life filled with perspective that makes your fondness for him a safe thing.

Why do I say that Toby's a man-child? Because he's still unprepared to cast his lot with you, yet he has failed to cede the field to the father of your child. He plays at your life, even if seemingly unaware of the damage which it may do.

The fact that you at one time grew to love Matt, the fact that you gave your vows, the fact that you have a beautiful daughter together speaks volumes...Although the passion with "Toby" is enticing and almost addicting, love is more a decision than an emotion (the emotion just makes the decision worthwhile). Speaking from experience, you are more in love with the rebellion and the adrenaline rush of "toby's" outside the norm lifestyle than with him as a person. If you were in love with him, you would have never been able to grow to love another man while he was away. You would have found a way to be with him...follow him. I agree with loveevol, find a way to create excitement in your marriage...you have a man that loves you, takes care of you and your daughter, and has never left you while this other dude has left more than once. I don't agree with another comment below...if this friendship makes your husband uncomfortable, you should respect his feelings. (He obviously feels threatened for a reason because you can't decide if you want to stay or leave; what if the tables were turned?) You have already had an affair- an emotional affair for a woman is more dangerous than a physical affair because we are emotional creatures and become invested very easily. Come clean with your husband, he may very well give you the exit you are looking for...and if he chooses to work things out and you leave...you are giving up true love (someone once said that the grass is never greener on the other side unless there is a cess pool beneath the surface).

I have a similar situation, but I do glove the other guy to be honest at the moment I don't even love my partner, we have a 1yr old with another one on the way. Maybe a rekindle of love for Matt? Like you say it maybe that Toby would just be a phase and he. Ay leave you again, is it worth having the heart ache? It is really hard, but see it this way, you have never lived with toby you aren't fully aware of his habits, and the honeymoon period ends after sometime, maybe you loved the chase and the secret life with toby, maybe that is what was the mask to your love for him, really it was a fantasy of not getting caught? Maybe try this with Matt and see if you get the same flutters that you do with Matt, role play, be the affair to your partner Matt, send him an email or txt saying that you want to meet him in secret and that his partner, you, mustn't find out, do all those wild things with Matt and you may just find that you get the same flutter that you have with Toby, make the chase with Matt, these are just my thoughts on the situation, maybe I should practice what I preach ;)

What do I say. girl your chioces are yours which ever way you go have no regrets.<br />
I think you already have clear those from your mind and all the what ifs.<br />
make your decision and enjoy it. You must have a happy lifeand that is where there is no regrets.<br />
Your Husband should allowe you to be friends but he does not know how to handle your friendship.<br />
history is hard to break.<br />
Just be yourself and do what you need to do

Be fair. Toby isn't her friend, he's her infatuation. The fact that he has failed to step up speaks volumes for him, as well.

Try this? Sit down and make the choice with no reference to either man. Think about what matters most to you in life. What is the thing you believe in most? What is your highest and most treasured principle? What are the other principles you hold dear? What is the best decision in terms of what you believe is important? And what are the *real* options here? Maybe that approach will bring you some clarity. People and feelings change, and we can not predict the future. All we can do is make the best decisions we can. :) (Also, I found your story exceptionally hard to read because of the lack of use of the enter key. The fact that it is just a huge single blob of text might put some people off reading it).

thats very much so of what im afraid of. but i knw that there is no illusion of 'once was' i have thought about it so long and hard- and i wish i could just be on my own for a while, but that is not possible. i have noplace to go. in all seriousness. (yeah i got friends/family- but there all biased one way or the other)

You are entangled in life, which is far from a bad thing. It is the threads of the lives of others with which you are entangled, after all. Accept that not all threads can accompany you throughout the rest of your life's journey. It's okay to grieve their future distance, for they'll always touch your life where they once joined it for a time.

Be careful. Be careful of locking yourself into a life of unhappiness because you are afraid to change, and be careful of chasing an illusion of what once was. Perhaps you should find a way to be on your own for awhile, and then make the decision between the two men. It will give you time to truly look at both of them, and not trap you into a situation that is nearly impossible to get out of.

More of an illusion of what never was. Nothing wrong with that, but such things are only toys that help us transition to adulthood. Sadly, all too many of us have come to embrace perpetual childhood as our lives' goals.