I Wish I Could Get Over Disappointments More Quickly

What a disappointment. I am a divorced woman on the dating scene. While some issues are not as important as they once were, like guys getting with you for status, or because you have a sexy body, etc, etc, it is just really hard to find someone with whom you are compatible. The older we get, the more set in our ways we become. So fast forward to meeting a guy with whom is possessed of the qualities in a man that I admire only he’s significantly older (13 years) and works a crazy schedule with 2 jobs. He hadn’t had a relationship in years and I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to possibly start something slowly and potentially long term. Well, I was totally wrong.
We went out on some quick dates to dinner and he would always take me right home after and give me a quick peck and off he went. We went out on our 4th date and he actually came up to my place to watch some TV. We were cuddling and kissing and such and I decided we should take the next step and try intimacy. Well, that didn’t work out well at all. He was unable to “get it up” and I could tell he was mortified about it. We talked for awhile after and cuddled some more. At about 9 PM he abruptly said he was tired and wanted to go home. I did not laugh at him or anything and I reassured him it was not a big deal, but when he left he was just so cold and he looked frail and sad walking out to his car.
I thought and thought about the dates we’ve had last night and I realized that I’m the one doing all the work. I make all the effort to keep our conversations going. I ask him questions and show interest in him and his life and he barely seems to have the energy to reciprocate. He does seem to enjoy talking about himself to a point, but he’s so reserved and shy about some areas of his life. I know he’s not married or hiding a girlfriend or anything as I am friend’s with a couple of his friends that work with me. They say he has never married and has no kids and he’s had only one relationship that lasted longer than about a year. Apparently he barely dates. He always treats me with the utmost respect and kindness, but when he’s talking to me he will barely look at me. It’s almost like he’s a bit scared of me or feels inferior.
I came to realize that I cannot change this man into what I want, but I am having trouble at the moment getting over the disappointment of things not being given on his end (I feel) a chance to work out. It is disheartening that someone could have such emotional walls built around them not to let anyone in. I guess because I’ve opened myself up to people so many times and dealt with the hurt, that I’m not scared of it anymore. I know I can deal with it. Maybe something happened in his past that prevents him from wanting to take the chance?
I called him awhile ago and told him, partly for myself because I don’t want to continue to press at having a relationship with my fantasy of what he could be, and partly because I wanted to bolster his confidence (which has to be really low about now) and told him that while I think he is attractive, kind, interesting, and just a quality person…that I just don’t wish to continue to try and see him romantically. I told him I felt that he just wasn’t interested in me enough and that I want something long term and someone that’s willing to open up to me emotionally. He told me he understood and that with the jobs and everything, and his lack of relationship history he doesn’t blame me and doesn’t have the energy for anything long term. He did say he likes me and enjoys chatting with me and our mutual friends and would like to continue. I see no harm in this and told him I would absolutely like to continue a friendship and that he need not stop visiting with me at work (he has a job where he comes by every day to pick things up, etc.) He said we’re cool and he would never ignore me should we meet up in public, etc. etc. So, anyway I felt good about how I handled all of that and I think we finished the conversation on an up note. I sure wish we could give it another shot, but I don’t see the point and he just doesn’t seem to have the energy for anything but working and hanging out with his guy buddies. Anyways, dating really sucks. I joined a gym today and tomorrow I’m getting my hair done. Hopefully that’ll make me feel better about myself. I wish I was the type of person who could just sweep things aside and get over it, but I can't help but perseverate on things like this and wish things were different.
ampand ampand
41-45, F
Jan 13, 2013