So Lost

I have been with my boyfriend 11 years now.  I had a child and he had a child coming into this relationship.  Everything was going good for the first 5 years.  We had 3 more children together. About 6 years ago his mom got ALS (Lou gerighs disease) which is death sentence basically.  At that point his mom stated that she couldn't live without having him at her side to battle her disease.  So we moved in with them and gave up our house.  It was a rental but it was our home.  Being a nurse at the time, I was expected to quit my job and take care of her day and night.  Why because with what I made it would not be worth me working and handing over my paycheck to a babysitter.  I did it because I love my boyfriend and yes I still do.  Now during her illness everything kept getting worse with her and with her husbands attitute towards me and my son.  (The one I had before I met my boyfriend).  Being the one that took care of his wife, I really expected for him to be appreciative and understand that we were here for her.  that started about 5 years ago.  My boyfriend and his dad were always arguing very loudly about anything and everything.  At first, this experience brought us closer because he saw that I was here for him and his parents.  This whole experience has in the past 3 years traumatized my children in so many ways.  He promised me that once she passed away, we would move out.  He has his on company an d is doing horrible.  He also ended getting boils all over his head.  He tried seeing 3 different dermatologists and none could help him out.  His mom passed away earlier this year.  I know you never stop grieving over loss of a  parent, but I am fed up with our situation.  He won't find a permanet job because he does not want to take his cap off.  And he won't let me work and have him take care of the kids.  He is contantly going out with his dad to go gambling anywhere they can find.  Sometimes he makes money, but not much.  Maybe I'm being selfish, but It seems to me that we will never leave here until his dad passes away!!!  I have so many mixed feeling, but I can't talk to him because he thinks I'm giving up on him.  I can't talk to m y parents because they will only tell me to leave him and I have already gone through a divorce and child custody.  I see how it affects my boy and I don't want to put the rest of them through that.  I  feel like crying all the time and screaming. I want to just die so that I can just end everything I feel.  I don't know what to do.

mo69 mo69
1 Response Oct 9, 2009

gambling = leave him <br />
a family is something that feels warm, happy, touching, caring, loving, home<br />
<br />
If these are the things you and yours dont feel then leave him. I may not be the best human being but my mash of strippers abused and lonely get a story every night skin to skin warmth every night we hold touch love and most of all we all feel home when we are together anywhere we are even over the phone we feel home