Fed Up With Myself

(Rant mode on)

I can't stand myself, one moment this, the next moment something else. I just hate to be in a chaotic state and unable to be just one. I was making a coffee, but when it was ready I suddenly feel like 'yuck, coffee' and have some tea instead. This is just a simple example of what's going on.

I'm so fed up with the arguments in my head, I'm lucky to be alone in my room, I'm very bad company right now. I don't even dare to drive somewhere, I can't predict I drive safely at the moment, so I avoid it.

I'm frustrated that there are moments that I truely believe there is nothing wrong with me. At those moments I think I'm the sanest person. Now that's really crazy. It's not just denial, no it goes a lot further than that, I am convinced that nothing bad happened in the past. (My sister is usually very helpful to remind me that a lot of **** did happen, but even that gets denied from my end).

Finally I'd like to kick the b*tch in my head who thinks that she can do anything she wants, she's looking for trouble. The Bad kind of trouble. Trouble that I will have major regrets about later.

(Rant mode off)

I probably feel better in an hour or half a day or tomorrow... Right now I just can't stand myself.

Perturbee Perturbee
46-50, F
Feb 28, 2010