Fed Up & Trapped.......
After 46 years and lots of ups and downs I've finally gotten smart enough to accept there was nothing, NOTHING I could have done to have made this marriage any better or worse. I finally accept that my husband is a total narcissist and the only one who can change him is him. He had an unpleasant childhood, not unlike most, and a totally unfeeling mother who was never there for him. Her life always was and still is only about her. They tell men to look at their significant others mother to see what she will eventually be like but I found out the hard way that it applies to woment as well. Especially when it's a single mom.
I stood by him and worked hard at giving him what he never had as a child and worked overtime to support him in whatever he wanted to do. I was never able to depend on him and always excused it with, "he doesn't know any better, it's because of the damage his mother did." Yes, I made my own hell and that doesn't make me happy either. Why can't we learn these things when we're young enough to pick up the pieces and move on to a better, more fulfilling life.
I'm 66 years old, marginal health and some physical limitations and right now feeling totally defeated. This is not the redheaded Irishman everyone has always known and seen. How do I get out of this black hole and accept that what I have, with a lot of effort, can be better? The only love I feel is from my cats and I did finally get that I was taking in strays (not a hoarder but I do have 6) to get some of what should be in my marriage.
Believe it or not there has not even be any physical intimacy in over 30 years and that was by his choice. You have no idea how many times I've wondered if he isn't a closeted gay and too insecure to be honest. That I could understand and accept. It's the not knowing why that is tearing me apart. What do I focus on to get through this? Am I the only one this has happened too? I don't even feel like a woman anymore.....I've spent our whole marriage playing both roles....fighting the battles, raising our son, taking charge of the finances, negotiating loans, mortgages, etc. and taking care of the home.
I'm exhausted and need some insight, some words of encouragment.