I have been feeling so confused and lost. In high school I was involved in everything and was the valediction. Now I feel completely stuck. Due to money I had to leave the university I was in, I was constantly sick and now have medical bills on top of money I owe to the college. Then 5 family members past away within this two year time frame. I fell into a horrible depression because I was also having trouble finding a job.

Not only this but I was in a relationship for nearly 4 years, things got really complicated. Not only with my anxiety and depression in tow, I was also dealing with low self esteem. He is an amazing guy but he does not know how to handle my depression. He wouldn't give me space and we ended up breaking up.

He said so many cruel things and ended up regretting it right away. He wanted me back. But of course I was trying to think of myself for once because I will automatically think of his feelings whenever something went wrong. I still do... I was always frustrated to because he did not have a job and was not going to school at the time and was constantly saying how much he hated my friends. Every time I would go out he would get mad.

But anyway this lead to my current situation. We aren't boyfriend and girlfriend, but we have some sort of relationship. I feel confused. I just want to get away from here and make a new life, and also make sure he is okay. He would tell me he would have no body if he didn't have me. Also he finally signed up to school and said he wouldn't even go if he was not thinking of our future.

I know he loves me, I just feel pressured sometimes. When I break down from my depression, the first thing he ask is "Do you still love me like I love you". Why must he ask this when I am in such a dark place, where death looks more appealing then anything else? I love him... I just don't know what to do... so many things to think about. But yet I don't have anyone to talk to. They just say "end it" or annoy me for not being strong enough. They clearly don't like him ether.

I wish I knew what to do. Sorry if any of this does not make sense. My mind is clearly not in a good place.
MysticallyForbidden MysticallyForbidden
22-25, F
2 Responses Aug 24, 2014

Clearly, you have choices to make if you want your life to get back to where it was or closely to what it was. The first step is getting out of your emotional situation so you can have a clearer state of mind. Negativity will always bring negative things in your life and it seems like there is a lot of negative energy around you, take a walk, take a breather and find yourself again! During this phase of life I believe finding who you are will give you such a better outlook on life than to be stumbling in a dark and negative past. Remember, your world is yours and what you make of it is you. So don't be that person who carries their past with them, be the person who chose to learn to walk with it.

Thank you, I appreciate your reply. I just wish I knew how to just let go of the past.

Easy, I'll teach you. First, just say out loud your "I'm moving on" and whatever you feel like saying. In the end, your going to have a feeling of understanding and then realize that you have a choice to make and whatever you decide, just stick with it and with that said, don't ever give doubt to your decisions you make. Life is meant for us to get in situations like this, its normal. Just learn from it. It must be hard, but it will change. The faster the better and in some cases the slower the better. Its truly how you want it to be.

*hugs*