A Place ... That Secret Place

My first story will, as you read on, will be one tapered with some salt although I will try my utmost to make it captivating to readers and pinch some nerve inside due to my seasoning this piece with grace.

I was and am still trying to be a do-gooder -- in and for myself (life, future, etc.), to and for others in any way that I can. I try never to insult or invade one's feelings; I try not to overstep my bounds and keep a solid, stable pace of decency and respect. Am I? In no way shape orform,no. I fail daily and hourly. How do I know? the heavy guilt weighs down on my heart and soul. It even works its spell on my psyche through my body as I am always now falling sick to some "issue" (not bug enough to call it sickness, but big enough to make me need bedrest) which all doctors (from neurologists, to internists, to gastroenterologists and more) say they have no clue as to what the cause it, so they have to deem is psychosomatic. huh? Ohhh..kay!

Usually, I keep a soft, sweet and genuine smile on my face so that it portrays the light that's in my heart out there to anyone who may be having a bad or sad day. Although I may be hurting to the depths of me core, that smile is used to shun an overt self of sense and to focus wordlessly and voicelessly on others, conveying the thought, "It will be ok. Your issues too will fade away."

But from having had somewhat of a sheltered life, and as an adult trying to create a perfect world (in the sense that all was going well) for me ... a calm atmosphere where I felt comfortable within myself and had the vigor to go out an continually achieve, I allowed the vices of this maniacal society to drag me along into the pit of hell. I was way too naive and lacking in wisdom.

Then slowly the sadness crept in. And craftily the demise outed the bright shining flame within and the genuine smile became smothered from the face. And slowly that joyous peace transformed into a blazing furnace of hatred, self-hatred, anger, anemosity and lack of stabilty. doing wrong when it is clear that that should not be done. Saying things that should not be said. all because of the sadness, bitter sourness and the self-hatred.

And with no where to run for shelter. Nowhere to hide. No one to truthfully just blare out all the gorey details to. No siblings, no cousins, no life partner, no parents.

Why? They'd refuse to empathize or understand because, in their minds, there is no way a well-rooted soul, happy, thoughtful soul could have gotten so so usurped without comeback. There is no way this sould could be led astray. she is our strong pillar. we run toher for wise advice and counsel. We ask her to remember us in her thoughts when we were the ones with the constant trouble. And she did it humbly and without complaint nor did she seek gratuity for it. That's what they all shudder and say.

So now with so many walls closed in around me and I feel the last drop of air being literally sucked out of me, the only place I can run to for solace is EP.  It is the only place where when I try to vent, no one's answer is "aww, wellI am alone in the office and am sorta busy right now. Can we talk about thisat another time?"

EP is the only one who doesn't doze off to sleep when I try to express my hurt and feelings. Nor is EP watching TV and ignoring me. I am in a gruesome stretch of life so I run to EP, my secret place and pour it all out to gain relief so I can sleep... if even for a new hours.

I am in this town where it is as clear as day that I do not and can not fit in, and where I clearly do not belong. I need to get before the last whiff of air evaporated from me. I need refuge. Until that physicalrefuge happens, EP is my emotional refuge.

This land where I have taken abode is a piteous land where the scoundrel-like inhabitants are filled with hatred and sow only seeds of judgementalism and superficiality. Good for them smiling is not one of their facets because it would be clear it is not real. But as for my soft, real smile, it has already faded into a mere facade of a line where my bubbly lips were. And  it is now turning into the swine like frown that plasters the biological masks that these folks wear.

When will that chance arise for me to flee without looking back? I know what will happen and I need to get ahold of myself and be strong. Just go and keep going, refusing to turn into a pillar of salt, or be stuck in the belly of the whale. In order for me to breathe again, and warm up that fire in my heart, and put on that genuine sparkly smile and just keep on approaching life with persistence and perspective, permanent departure must be achieved.

Only through this can I return to normalcy and be me again.
An Ep User An EP User
Jan 17, 2013