Am Shattered And Lost ....

I am 33 and a Bisexual guy ..

I am out of league from usual gay stereo types and strongly believe in values, career, love and commitment. I absolutely abhor the usual gay scene .which is very much about meeting people for endless dates, and sex .

I do not agree with it and want to meet people to explore for something meaningful such as strong friendship, or ideally relationship.

I believe life has just changed my preference for my life partner rest all values are still the same.

I have met guys to explore the possibility for relationship, companionship and marriage.

I had a 9 years long relationship with my childhood friend who did not have the courage to come out and I felt so insulted that I walked out of that relationship.

I long for the time that I spent with my ex the beautiful moments of companionship and yearn for it.

Whenever I meet a person or come across a guy who ticks my boxes for the life partner I meet him to see any prospects.

So far I have met some 4 guys seriously in last 5 years after my relationship broke and couldn't find a person who was suitable for relationship. But unfortunately nothing progressed to relationship. Ultimately I gave up and started thinking about marrying a gal. I have dated 2 gals who knew about me but after spending time with them our relationship ended as I always felt that my companion will always be a guy .. probably because of my long and strong association with my ex boyfriend.

Recently I moved to a new city and met this guy on one of the gay dating sites. After avoiding him for some time I decided to meet him .we went for a meal and then we spent some quality time. We have  met  just couple of times and I have so much fallen for him ..

He brought all my memories of my relationship alive and with him I am so much at ease much at peace. My problem is when that guy came to know about my feelings he has walked out as he does not want to enter into any emotional bond...

He has completely blanked me on every mode of contact, IMs, Mobile, Text. ..

This has left me so disturbed that I can't sleep. I am so broke from inside so lost I keep hating myself to met this guy and can't forget him  .. It has been 10 days I cant stop thinking about him and break into tears every now and then. I dont like to be at my home coz It reminds me of him . I text him begging him to be in touch just as friend but he still doesn't want to meet...

I don't know what to do.. I can sleep coz I cant forget the time I spent with him I feel so shattered and weak I have lost all the hopes for relationship or meeting a companion in my life and now I don't have any courage to meet any new person.

My nights are sleepless nights since a week and I keep sobbing like mad for him. 
hiiamtaurian hiiamtaurian
31-35, M
May 19, 2012