Today Is Just A Day.

When the phrase "looking forward to a better tommorrow" comes to my mind, many see a bright and postive future. It's a simple phase that gets many people through their days, a phase that build a glimmer of hope that dwells within those who have little or alot to look forward to. I can honestly say I battle every single day to see and feel this hope. Things in life happen unexpectedly, out of my control and can alternately affect the future and the way I see it. Right here, right now, as i lay on my bed pondering what exactly is in my control, i slowly realize how vulnerable I really am. I have always been known as the "strong one" in the family, or the friend that has been through "sooo much" that she is an inspiration. The odd thing is, I can no longer see where people see this strength and how they still look up to me because of it. I am lost and this vulnerability scares the hell out of me. without any hesitation I kissed the looks of 2012 goodbye for an unsightly and overally horrible year. Now, having welcomed 2013 with open arms, I am once again welcoming that unsightly dissapointment in which I had the hopes of leaving in the past. I want to stay positive, but I am realizing that negativity is becoming a way of life for me. I do not know why. I do not know how. It's affecting my relationships with others and hurting myself. I look in the mirror in disgust. I look at my financial situation and ask myself how i got here. I look at my nonexistant love life and wonder where is it that i go wrong. Am I still in love with my one and only love, my ex? the one who broke me so many times, yet I stil crawled back to his manipulative ways. Am i surrounding myself with the wrong people? perhaps. Am i becoming a bitter person because I feel the world owes me something? even though it certainly does not. Am i depressed?...

Depressed. could that be it? 22 years old, not horrible looking, hard worker, yet I still have yet to find pure and utter happiness. I am constantly disspointed in myself. Constantly saddened by my current disposition. How can I crawl out of this seemingling endless dark hole and shed the scales i've developed from all the hurt and sadness only to reveal the humble, loving and kind person I once was? ....without being manipulated as easily as i used to.

Who knows.....
An Ep User An EP User
Jan 7, 2013