Lost In This Life And Today I Was Thinking Of Suicide.

I wake up up daily and ask God why. I pray to die. I have no one in my life. I have no job. I look hard for jobs I know I can do. I have two best friends. One I have not told I feel like commiting the act. The thought of suicide would lift the burden of lifes stresses off my shoulders or just dying period. If I could trade spots with my father I would be happy. But I am not happy. I never really been happy in this life. I put on a fake smile. I even sometimes laugh just to act like I am happy. But under my skin I am miserable. I try blocking out my thoughts of suicide. Sometimes it works. Somtimes it is there all day long. I have plenty of killing material around me. From poisinious plants to pills. I try to be active. But somtimes that dose not help. I just want God to take me off this forsaken rock that spins in the universe. I would rather be a star in heaven. Then a person on this world. I somtimes wish my heart would just give out. But I am just stuck in this flesh and blood and bone. I can feel my soul wanting losse. It is like I am trapped in a bottle. I have no self worth. Maybe it is because I have no job. I feel this way. I was not happy when I was working two jobs either for like sixteen years plus. It has been a few days now since the thought of suicide came back. I was writting a journal. Then I stopped. What is the whole purpose of living life? I have been searching that answer forever. Some say to help others. Some say to work and pass on what you have to kids. Maybe I should have done more than work all my life. Well part of it. All that I see is a big void. The hole is endless. The abyss of life. I wanted to get married have kids and a great wife by my side. To have a home and some property. But Now that I look at what I have done in my life was not much. I just want the madness in my head to go away. It is like tug of war.

I feel numb at times to people around me. It is like I am in a fog. My mind wanders aimlessly about life. I am sad I guess. I feel like the man in the dessert. A sea of sand for miles in all directions.That is way life has been. Today was not a good day. Just batteling the mind of what I should do. I hate the war in my head. I just hate how society is. I hate my life. I miss my dad. But I must move on. I just want this road in life to end. I guess that is it for now. Time to go to sleep and pray that this is the night that God takes me away. If not I will see another day.
Billybob10041972 Billybob10041972
36-40, M
Sep 9, 2012