How Do You Live When You're Suppose To Be Dead?

Hi everyone, my name is Nikki and here is my pathetic life story...
I wasn't suppose to be alive, according to the Chinese government, I was suppose to be dead. I didn't have any identification or birth certificate when I was born. My mother was not allowed to have any children due to the Chinese one child rule, but she had me and she had to hide me, or else I would have been killed. My whole life I've lived with insensitive caregivers that treated me like crap. I remember being four and yelled at for wetting the bed in the care center that was taking care of me. My mother also told me that I was abused when I was little by a caregiver... I don't think my mother should have told me that.. but that could explain some of my internal and external feelings and actions. Because the Chinese government wanted to kill me, my family had to move to the US, but before that my parents left me for two years when I was little and I lived with the insensitive caregiver institutes. My mother had to pay a lot of extra money to sent me to a caregiver institute because since I didn't have a birth certificate, I wasn't suppose to go to school or do anything, because I wasn't suppose to be alive. Although I don't have much memories of what did happen.. I feel anger and depressed when I think about it. My parents were never there for me, and growing up I felt alone, I felt depressed and I felt unloved. It was difficult for me to trust people and it was difficult for me to accept people. I consider my parents the uninvolved type of parents, so obviously I would have self esteem issues and independence issues. I'm tired of living and often when I get depressed.. I think back on what my childhood consisted of.. well, it consisted of nothing. There were no love, no close family connection, nothing. I wished I had died. If I knew my life consisted of loneliness and sadness, I wish I had been killed by the Chinese government.. (maybe they were trying to save me from this hellish world). During high school, I've had my share of friends.. but now I only have my boyfriend. I've shut everyone out because I'm not worthy to have friends. Furthermore, my anxiety and depression causes a great deal of difficulty to have friends so I rather not have any. I know that I am suffering from depression and anxiety and I've tried to seek help.. but I'm on my own, because my mother doesn't believe it, she doesn't believe I have any problems. But I do.. and sometimes I tell her I need help, but she still doesn't do anything. Having a therapist is expensive.. and my savings is not enough to make my problems better. I sometimes think I'm suffering from avoidant personality disorder and body dysmorphic.. because I feel ugly inside and out. It's hard for me to get close to people because I feel that they won't accept me. Even as I am typing this.. I'm still scared to share my full story.. but this is all i can give, because I don't want to feel weak and I don't want to be hated... but I want to die, the pain of being lonely, hated, and not understood is painful and unbearable.
snikki87 snikki87
22-25, F
Dec 9, 2012