I'm Tired Of Asking For Help

I've been depressed for almost 8 years now. I've been to 3 doctors and 3 psychologists about it. I feel like nobody is taking me seriously.. My doctor sent a refferal letter to a psychiatrist to get a psychological evaluation for me in December, and only a week later I got a letter back saying that they don't feel I'm in urgent need of help and that they are extremely busy at the moment and it would be months before I would get an appointment anyway.
So since then my doctor has put me on antidepressants, which seemed to work great for the first month but now I'm dipping every evening and I'm even thinking about suicide again. I feel so desperate because I've gone to seek help on so many occasions and pretty much been turned away each time. I need someone to help me. I don't know how to cope any more, it feels that even the little things that I should be able to deal with are dragging me down.
My boyfriend of the past 4 years has helped me as much as he can. He has really tried and I can see that, but there is only so much he can do. Recently I feel that he is getting a little tired with constantly trying to look after me. I suppose he is really missing out on a more normal life, having a suicidal girlfriend at home must take its toll. I mean, we're in our early twenties, he has just graduated from college and is jumping into a new business soon, and we've just moved into our own place. This should be a fun and exciting time in our lives but for some reason there is still something inside me that wont quiet down. There is something twisting my thoughts and making me want to hurt myself.
My boyfriend tonight told me that he can't help me any more. I've taken a couple of painkillers and just about ready for my second glass of Port. So that's why I'm here. I've now officially run out of people to turn to. I've been dismissed by everyone at this stage. I really don't want to die but I'm so desperate to stop hurting that it's weighing heavier on my mind than ever.
Jeepers89 Jeepers89
22-25, F
3 Responses Jan 14, 2013

Dear Jeepers,

I hope that you'll appreciate that I found you letter after a google search for "why do I feel so sad." Because, yes, I feel very sad right now. But your letter gives me hope. Because what I myself need, is to love and to help others in need. I can't survive (at least not well) without.

You say you've been dismissed by everyone. I'm so sorry about that. I think I can understand, because I also was dismissed...not by everyone, but by someone too dear to ignore. I can well appreciate your enjoyment of Port!

I don't know you, but I love you. Thank you for your truthfulness and transparency! That's such a hard thing to achieve!

Oddly, the best thing I can offer you, since I can't give you a hug, is the name of a book. Read The Princess And The Goblin, by George MacDonald. It's available for free, online, at www.gutenberg.org. Kind of a hard site to search, but you'll find it.

If you need someone to talk to, drop me a line at dan at nutleysystems dot com. That probably won't protect my private email address, but it's a risk worth taking. Kind Regards,

I want you to know that you are not alone.
I want you to know that many other people are going through what you are going through.

I am on the other side of the fence here. I have a family member who is dealing with severe depression and personality disorder. My sister is 27, she has been going through this since she was 13 in and out of hospitals. I am trying to find people to talk to to to cope as well.

As someone who grew up with a sister with very deep depression I understand how you are feeling. I may not be in your head, or have the same thoughts, but I do know, and have seen first hand what it can do to a person.

Life is hard. Life will always be hard. BUT- if you learn to accept yourself, and the limits that you were given, it will be much easier.

Recently, my sister took 20 pills to try to overdose and hurt herself. Like you, she doesn't actually want to die, but she is just so upset with herself and doesn't understand why these thoughts keep going into her head.

I want you to know that you are doing nothing wrong. The fact that you are asking for help is such an amazing step.
There will ALWAYS be someone out there too support you.
If your boyfriend can't support you, then that is okay because he shouldn't have too.
You have to find ways to compensate for yourself. Because in life, with all the obstacles that you will be given, you may have to compensate for yourself. Don't continue to depend on everyone else to make you happy, because then you will never ever be happy.

People are going to walk in and out of your life, and affect you in many different ways.
Some negative, some positive.
You have to realize that not everyone will be able to help you.
Maybe they are going through some issues, or maybe they are just incapable of helping you because they don't know how to effectively dive deep into emotions like that.

I watched my sister go through trememdous battles of bullying growing up, and I had to physically fight her when I was 17 to take pills and razors out of her hand. When I was younger, I was able to help my sister, i was able to discuss and get her through it. Then I grew up and was not able to help her the way I used to anymore because I was trying to figure out who I was at the time, and was dealing with my own personal emotional issues.

I don't know what it is like to have depression, but I do see a therapist, and I struggle with Anxiety on a daily basis.

Please don't ever think that nobody cares, because people DO care.

I don't know you, and I care. I understand how you feel because I have had to watch people go through it, and now I am dealing with the aftermath of it all.

The only way you will ever become happy is if you learn to accept your limiations.
Find what your triggers are, find out what could be the reason that you get so down.

It is a struggle, but I can say this..
I have never met someone stronger then my sister (in my personal life). The fact that she is capable of asking for help, even though it's a scary road, means that she is doing something.
She is stronger then me in many ways.

You are a strong person for asking for help. That means that you are going to do very well.
Keep talking, keep making yourself healthy...
When you recover from these thoughts and become the healthy person you want to be, you will look back at this moment and maybe will be able to help others who are going through the same thing that you once did.

Don't look back, just keep moving forward.

Singmeas0ng, thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me.
I actually found that really helpful. I don't really know anybody on the outside who is trying to cope with a loved one going through the same thing. I've felt for some time now that I may have borderline personality disorder. While doing a lot of research online a lot of the pieces seemed to fit with me. It was actually a little but of a relief being able to say yes that's what I have, that's what I'm going through. Unfortunately, doctors are quite reluctant to diagnose borderline personality disorder for one reason or another. I just got handed a prescription for antidepressants and was sent off. I don't want to be on antidepressants forever. If they help me right now then so be it but I don't feel as if they are fixing anything deep down.
I feel as if my entire life is a play. People I work with and most my friends, even my family would never believe that this is what is happening in my head. I think they would be scared. People would talk. People would think I'm crazy. I even had second thoughts about joining this website. I've wanted to call helplines many times but been too scared that they would send an ambulance and I'd get sent off in a straight jacket never to be seen again. I'm terrified of letting this out to anyone.
My boyfriend always told me he wanted to be the one to help me. In fact, looking back maybe I was a little bit manipulative too, telling him things like "Well if you can't help me I will just find someone who will". That always spun him into a frenzy of desperately seeking some way of making me feel better. But now, years later, I have no one else. It's just him. And now he's given up on me. Even this morning came another huge argument about my situation. I don't think he understands how hard he is pushing me. I feel that I need to hurt myself or make some sort of a grand statement to make him finally realise just how much pain I'm in and how much he is hurting me by giving up on me. Even a hug would be nice but things are so cold between us now.
I'm so desperate. Things in my head are so loud. I don't know what to do.

I am really glad that I can help. I am trying to find ways to get it out there and be some sort of advocate, and say, 'they are not crazy, they are just trying to find their own way' but obviously in a much more suitable manner.
I know how you are feeling because I have watched my sister just CRY and cry and cry and say, I don't know why I am like this.
but- it is NOTHING she did on her own to herself.
You also have to look back at your family. Did anyone in your family ever experience similar issues? Maybe a few generations ago...
I know that depression runs in my family. I had a great grandma who was very similar to my sister but 60 years ago nobody understood. You have to know that people are way more accepting nowadays.
Do you know if maybe something happened during your mothers pregnancy? Was she anxious alot? What kinds of food did she eat? I am not saying that this is the reason, I am saying this because you never really know what actually causes a defect in certain people.
The brain is a really fascinating body part.
Why do people act the way they act?
I personally think you have to maybe spin this in a positive way.
Once you really figure all this out, maybe YOU can become a mentor for some child or teen, or adult who is going through the same thing.

I do understand where your boyfriend is coming from because that is what happens. He said he wanted to help, but now you are just depending on someone to fix you. He can't fix you. You need to fix you.
He also has to understand that these emotions are beyond your control.
Maybe when you argue with him, go about it in a different manner.
Maybe write a letter, maybe before you feel this urge to yell, take a step back and walk into another room and breather... and then come back in to discuss all the logical possibilities in a manner that will actually get things done.

There will be people in this lifetime who won't understand your issue, but that's because some people WILL be closed minded.
Don't be embarassed because you feel strong feelings like this..
Don't be scared to call a hotline.
That is what this website is for.

I hope that I can help you feel better in some ways.
i really, really do.

This life is not an easy one, but it can be a really good one if you just let it.
Accept your limitiations, and then maybe you will end up accepting yourself.

Also- take some vitamin D. Sometimes, that does help as well.

and ps- I know for a fact that if you call they will not take you in a straight jacket.
My sister has even driven herself to the hospital, so you can do that too.

But- if you do call 911 ever, the cops will come with the ambulance...
It is just protocol.
So they may have to take you in handcuffs, depending on how you are cooporating or the hospital rules.
It all depends on where you live.

I am not trying to scare you, I am trying to tell you what I have seen to ease your mind a little.

Have you ever just sat down, by yourself, put on a song that makes you smile, and think of when the last time it was you were really happy. Maybe there is something that will trigger a thought and make you realize what you are missing or where it all went wrong. Sometimes, we chose to block things out, ignore them and get on with our lives, but it is always there. You're not alone in your fears, I've been there far too often. Now, maybe I am wrong, but I've talked to a lot of people and we were all in the same boat. We chose a life we thought would complete us, make it all better, when it made it worse. Depending on someone will also make you weaker, even though you think you need their strength to keep you going. Some doctors can be dead wrong in diagnosing you, so maybe a second or perhaps a third opinion is needed. You might not be on the right medication. Find strength within you, find your happiness again. You must have had it once, and something changed along the way. I pray for you, feel free to msg me any time...You're not alone. Hugs

Thanks scassy,
I think i'll do that today. I've been working non stop over Christmas and today i've got a rare day off to myself wit no one in the house. Maybe it will help. It's interesting that you say about blocking things out but always having them there. One of the therapists I was seeing told me that something happened in my childhood that i'm not remembering. She said that could be something that I saw or heard or something that actually happened to me. I have nightmares all the time but can never figure it out. I'd do anything not to go back to therapy but maybe it's time for that too.
I hate having to depend on people, but at the moment it feels like i've lost everyone and I don't have any one left to depend on whether I like it or not. Depending on people may make you weak but I don't think I could feel any weaker than I do now.

I think you feel that you are depending on people for help, because you feel lost, but it's not weak at all. You seem to be a very intelligent person, but we all need someone with an ear now and then. Sometimes, you may even feel that you will find your answers in someone else's wisdom. You will get there, be positive. We all have faith in you and we are always here for you. Even if you don't know any of us, or vise versa, you can always depend on us, after all, we are all here for the same thing. Therapy is not always the answer, so make sure you are comfortable with opening up before you begin, what could be a long process. I know it helped me on 2 separate occasions for 2 entirely different reasons. If you find you are not feeling right with your Therapist, ask for another one, never feel obliged to continue, because it won't make you feel any better, and that's the whole idea of seeing a Therapist.

Smile :)