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"can't Stand Myself"

The soliloquy in one of Van Morrison's songs always comes to mind, when I have spent too much time in silence, and alone. 
Chat sites do not help, nor does going out to coffee shops and bookstores. No one looks at me, or even asks for the time of day.
I trudge through my failed attempts of "getting out there" and "exposing myself to good people/places/things" and come home cold, sad, exhausted.
At my age, at seven years single after ten years of neglect and abuse I feel as if I will never be held again, or hear the words "I love you"
No one, nothing but myself. 
And I can't stand myself
DelicataAqueum DelicataAqueum 31-35, F 2 Responses Jan 20, 2013

Your Response


Hello. I like your name. I just read this and wanted to express that my heart goes out to you. Don't be so hard on yourself. I am going to take a shot at this from the outside looking in, so please bear with me. You've been abused and neglected therefore it might be very hard for you to open up and say hello when you are out at these places. Your past has made you timid. Though society is very difficult in this day because of how shallow many are, there still many that feel a lot like you. Trust me. All it might take is a small leap of faith to initiate conversation with someone to create a spark. They might be hoping for someone to just break their silence. Just my opinion, I hope it helps you in some way. Keep your head up.

I have a friend, former coworker, who felt the same way. But she gained confidence from our relationship; platonic though there were some mean hugs thrown in there. Anyway, it took a while but she found herself, lives alone still, but has some men in her life. One of the first things was to let her realize she was smarter, funnier, nicer than she was told. The other was that she had a great figure - though not the fake boob generation kind, but more the french model type. Maybe I shouldn't have gone there, but it helped her a bunch and if I was in a different place, I might have showed her how to enjoy it more. Or at least showed that it would be enjoyed. But she's doing well now.

Being around positive people - big help. I used to read and work in a cafe. I enjoyed it there (until it closed), but it wasn't a place for getting close to anyone -not that I tried. But I could tell. Now bringing my friend there, just drinking coffee and reading ... that was nice!